My Onion Pi

If you can figure out the name, you'll know what it's about. Fortunately, I'm literate. I'm also funny on occasion. Just beware of the flying PMS.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Whose Harmony??


I don’t want to copy New York Moments blog spot but I had signed up for an online dating thing earlier this summer. Needless, to say I am having about the same luck as she is, only my dates don’t want to pee their pants in front of me, and (so far) don’t have metal plates in their heads. Still, some guys I have managed (with all my years of experience to guide me) to screen out right online. For instance, their was Dave, who listed his main attributes as “religious” and that he could not live with out someone who was “saved”. Been there, done that. I just let my list of favorite things, such as “Huge fan of Harry Potter Books and Movies” and “Big Reader of Metaphysical Subject Matter” screen that one out for me. Next was Mark, whose main thing seemed to be “Finding a woman who was sexually experienced and willing to try new things”. For some reason, I kept hearing this refrain from an old Frank Zappa song…..something about doing “an Hour on the Tower of Power.” Needless to say, Mark got the kiss-off too.
Well after about 2 months of nothing, today I get a notice that “I have been matched.” Mr. Wonderful is named Gary, and he lists the most important thing he is looking for as, “Respectfulness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” No lie. Eighteen exclamation points. I counted.
Gary also states the first thing I will notice about him is his “Intleelligence” His spelling, not mine. But it gets better! The one thing he wishes people would notice about him is…his “humbleness” Maybe he is humble, that one was followed by only 9 exclamation points. The apex of Gary’s profile (according to him) is his reading plan to improve himself. His “program” consists of rotating one fiction novel, followed by one historical book, then one “CLASSIC” novel. Emphasis his, not mine. Now, what if the “CLASSIC” novel happens to be fiction as well? And if the novel is “historical” does that count for all three at once? Personally, If I was the least little teeny tiny bit interested in Gary, one thing that would definitely be the deciding factor is the most influential person in Gary’s life…it’s….John Denver. (Like NY says, can’t make this stuff up).

Yeah. Well, better a single slice of Ham than full of baloney….

Peace & Love,

Ham

4 Comments:

At Wed Dec 14, 01:58:00 PM, Blogger Queen Snarfetta said...

It might be fun to open conversations with some of these guys just to toy with them!

I say you need to get your money back! What are they going to send you next? Keep us posted, Ham, this is really amusing.

 
At Wed Dec 14, 06:48:00 PM, Blogger kimmyk said...

John Denver huh?
Uh...ok.

I have friends who are looking for love on match.com...no wonder they bitch so much ... they all sound like complete wankers to me.

we should set up a blog for you to find a match-betcha you'd have better luck.

 
At Thu Dec 15, 08:17:00 PM, Blogger Hamrose said...

Scary, but...that's not a bad idea....

 
At Thu Dec 22, 11:55:00 AM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

I met 3 women online in the early days of the net and came back with 3 horror stories. I have never joined an online dating service. If you're ever in Arizona Hamrose, give me a buzz.

 

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