My Onion Pi

If you can figure out the name, you'll know what it's about. Fortunately, I'm literate. I'm also funny on occasion. Just beware of the flying PMS.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Emergency Room

I work in the ER of a raggedy suburban community consisting primarily of old wheezy people, old fat people, young fat people, and people who don’t work but own cell phones. The ER is an interesting place. Believe me, it’s not like it is on TV. Not only is it generally the first place people enter into the “healthcare system”, but it’s a catch-all for all the loser patients the doctors don’t want to deal with anymore. I imagine the conversation usually goes something like this:

Mrs Painindarear: “Doctor, you know that big toe of mine that’s always acting up? Well, it’s acting up again. It’s this weather! Oh, the gout is terrible, just terrible. What? No, that’s not why I want to see you; I want to come in because I can’t breathe. Yeah, it’s been two weeks now and I can’t breathe. What? Why didn’t I call you, well it was Thanksgiving for heaven’s sake, my sister’s in town and I had to take her to the Broadway market. What? Go to the Emergency Room? Alright Doctor.” Click.

Or something like this:

Mr Canttakashit: “Doc, ya listen I can’t shit. Naw it’s been two months now and I can’t shit. Ya I took alla dat stuff and I still can’t shit. What? Go to the Emergency Room? Alright Doc.” Click.

Or something like this:

Ms Druggseeka: “Yes, Is this the Doctor? Yes, well doctor, I need ta get in to see you because I need another script for…What? Oh, that bottle of pills were stolen right outta my car, and I really have a lotta pain now and…what? Go to the Emergency Room? Alrighty.” Click.

Yeah. That’s why we have these little codes we use to describe the problem people come in with. We have the usual CP for “chest pain”, SOB for (what? No! This is a family blog site fer Christ sake!) - SOB for “shortness of breath”, MS for “musculoskeletal complaint”, etc. But then we have a few Special codes for those Special people.
We have PSY for “psychotic”, NHS for “nursing home special”, TMPTC for “too many problems to count”, FDGB for “fell down go boom” for the oldsters and FDDGB for “fell down drunk go boom” for the youngins and, of course, there’s the dreaded FOP for “full of poop”. But once those day shift snitchers….Er, I mean personnel, leave we have our own special favorite codes we people of the night shift mentality like to use. I like DSLLFS for “drug seeking loser looking for script”, there’s also DAWSO for “dumb ass with sharp object”, but really my personal favorite is FWBOWWK for “fat white bitch on welfare with kids”. This is the special code for all the people who have no job but lots of bling, cell phone De-luxe and a pimple on their ass that just HAS to be seen at 10:30 on Sunday night in the ER. Believe me, it’s not like it is on TV.


At Thu Dec 01, 05:09:00 AM, Blogger kimmyk said...

I remember doing clinical rotation in the ER. Sometimes we'd see the same people over and over again.

But now that I'm on the other end of the phone conversation...
Scenario 1-We'd see him or her.
Scenario 2-Ditto. See 'em.
Scenario 3-Drug seeker who lost thier pain medicine and needs a refill because they are in SOOOOO much pain? We can't manage that sort of pain in the office-I send 'em to the ER. Not going to dish out more pain meds to someone who "loses" them. But I am a good listener-and I listen to how it is that "they lost them" or "my daughters boyfriend is a recoverying crack addict and he probably took them when I had to take him to his job at McDonalds last Tuesday night". Love those stories!

Oh yeah, don't forget---I can't pay my medical bills and have no insurance and the hospital IS open 24 hours a day...7 days a week....365 days a year to handle all my healthcare needs and they won't ask me for a copay at the ER window. So that's where I'm going next time I need a laxative because I'm sooo full of shit.

Ahhh gotta love 'em.

At Thu Dec 01, 10:28:00 AM, Blogger Hamrose said...

Gotta love 'em.....when do I get to the leave 'em part???

At Fri Dec 09, 08:59:00 AM, Blogger runningman said...

Your blog is hilarious. At first glance I was misled, but I stuck it out and read them all. What a riot. You made my Friday. Keep on blogging.


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