Call Waiting

I’m not a person who is too into gadgets and gizmo’s but technology has some cool things out there and for the most part I can make use of some telephone features that fit quite nicely into my anti-social personality; Caller ID being one of them. I really hate Call Waiting, but it comes “with the package”. The only reason they can sucker us with features such as “Call Waiting” is because they relentlessly play the “Emergency” card. “What if you’re just yakking away to some telemarketing fool while your child is being whisked off to the Emergency Room, or your Parent has fallen and can’t get up?” Rarely – if ever, is the all important interruption an emergency. In my case, being Italian and living (sigh) right next door to my Italian parents – “Edith and Archie” – the interruption is usually one of them. Now, my parents utilize my Call Waiting feature like this:

Scenario: I’m in the kitchen, usually poised in front of my refrigerator calendar, on the phone, with pencil in hand.

Me: “Yeah, uh-huh, Wednesday I’ll be at the gym in the morning, and I picked up an extra shift, but I don’t have to go in until 3 o’clock, I can meet ya at noon or we can (BEEP) another day (BEEP). I’m free on Th(BEEP)day. What? Oh, it’s my mother, the call waiting is beeping. No, I’ll call her back later. So, what do you think? Maybe we can do the bulk of the project at (BEEP) or we can get together here (BEEP). What? Oh, no, it’s just her again. Yeah, well, my parents don’t understand call waiting means “I’m on a call; you have to wait!” (laugh).

Stage Left: My father, Archie, bursting in the door looking like “it’s an emergency”.

Archie: Very loudly “Why the HELL haven’t you answered the PHONE!!!”

Me: Sometimes just as loud – depending on who’s on the phone and my mood that day “BECAUSE I’M ON IT!!!”

Archie: Very Loud and puffing “Yer MOTHER is trying to CALL you!!”

Me: Usually pretty loud at this point myself, and usually really pissed “I KNOW THAT! I’ll call her back WHEN I’M FINISHED!”

Stage Left: Archie exits. I continue my phone call; sometimes explaining, sometimes just not bothering to explain the obvious truths of my life to other people.

Me: “Ok, that sounds good. I’ll get everything started then we’ll meet Thursday morning and put it together. Great, see ya later.”

Me: Dialing Edith to see what the emergency is all about

Edith: “Hello”

Me: “What DO you WANT??”

Edith: Accusingly “You didn’t answer your phone!”

Me: “I KNOW!!! That’s because I WAS ON IT!! What do you WANT!!”

Edith: All miffed “The plumber called, he can’t come tonight. He’ll come tomorrow.”

Me: “Jesus Christ! Again?!”

Edith: Defensively “Well, he has to work late. He wanted to come, but he can’t. Are you going to be home tomorrow?”

Me: “No. That’s why I told him to come TODAY.”

Edith: Defensively, Miffedly and every other guilt laden adjective way she can sound “Well, I’m just telling you what he said that’s all.” Click.

Me: “Jesus Christ Almighty”

So, that’s how Call Waiting works in my house.