My Onion Pi

If you can figure out the name, you'll know what it's about. Fortunately, I'm literate. I'm also funny on occasion. Just beware of the flying PMS.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The New Toilet

Well, the plumber finally came. So now I have a new toilet. Unfortunately it’s a “low flow” toilet, which means I’m either going to have to see little bits of toilet paper floating around in the bowl all the time, or flush twice – which in my estimation negates the whole purpose of a “low flow” toilet in the first place.

When I went to pick it up I asked the guy in the plumbing department at Home Depot what he would suggest, since the toilets in stock ranged from $29 to about $600. He pointed to a rather innocuous looking model and said with a hint of reverence, “This is our most popular model.” It was under two hundred bucks and looked like it could bear a fat ass or two, so I said I would take it.

When the plumber finally arrived he looked at the toilet I picked up and said with a faint hint of reverence, “Ah, the Kohler Wellington, that’s their most popular model.”

One good thing about having a new toilet, is I won’t have to continue yelling out “Jiiiiiggle the Haaaandle!!!” from wherever I am in the house…trying to yell over the TV to get their attention…that will save my voice a little. This way I can yell about the really important things.

What’s weird about getting a new toilet is that the whole neighborhood knows about it, partly because the old toilet is sitting at the curb, looking a tad obscene. ( Like some college fraternity prank, it sits there in all of its obviousness. I mean, it’s not like we all don’t use one, but it’s not like we really want anyone to KNOW we use one.) And if that weren’t proof enough, right next to it sits the new box.

I can just see Glady’s across the street looking out the window, “Frank, Frank look, they got a new toilet. Oh, and it’s a Kohler Wellington – the most popular model.”

So, this morning while I was brushing my teeth in the “big people’s bathroom” I wandered over to the “little people’s bathroom” to look at the new toilet. Later on Archie came over to look at the new toilet too. “Ya better make sure those kids use less paper, fer cryin’ out loud. The other day they went through HALF a roll, I tell ya. Alrighty, I’ll see ya later. Call yer Mother.”


Good thing I don’t have the room for a bidet.


At Thu Dec 01, 10:35:00 AM, Blogger Queen Snarfetta said...

Now if you could just get the most popular model ASS on the toilet...

Okay okay, I'll be right over...

At Thu Dec 01, 11:38:00 AM, Blogger nukie310 said...

Waht is it about our family and toilet stories?

At Thu Dec 01, 02:58:00 PM, Anonymous RockDog said...

Heck, I could never be able to leave an empty toilet like that outside my house here in Hollywierd CA.
Invariably, a homeless person would use it for it's original intended purpose albeit without water. They wont care, or more accurately, notice that there is no actual plumbing connected.

I think you should leave it out there and decorate the toilet for Christmas. Think of the possibiliies. You could have Santa posed in a classic seated position, looking as if he is taking a crap on your lawn. Won't that be the most unique greeting of the season? You might make the local evening news (or worse).

Or, if you are the practical joking type, and you have some nieghbors you want to get even with, then try this:
1) Find a ferrell cat (or a similar frantic creature of small size)and cram it into the bowl of the empty toilet.
2) close the lid.
3) Slap a note on the lid that says, "Warning, do not open"
4) Watch from your window with a camera for the first passerby to disobey the note.
5) Sell the photo to Fox Television.

At Thu Dec 01, 04:07:00 PM, Blogger kimmyk said...

Do what people do who shove half broken tubs on their lawns....put a statue of the Virgin Mary in the potty....

Or put flowers in it...a nice poinsettia plant for the holidays....

let the kids use it for a resting place before they get on the wave bus stop...

take it to Nukie's house..and leave it outside on his lawn.

At Sun Dec 04, 05:29:00 PM, Blogger Hamrose said...

Hey Kimmyk I like that last suggestion. Then we could see what blog story he would write about the toilet appearing on his lawn.


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