Blogging

Nukie dropped the NPR “This American Life” blog disc off to me last night.
It’s fabulous. What I noticed first was the great sixties music mix, and then I noticed I was actually hearing my brothers voice. I hadn’t heard my brother talk so much in my entire life. I have to explain, his whole blog thing really took me by surprise. I never realized my brother had so much to say. I always figured there must be a lot going on inside his brain, because he is funny and intelligent, and any time I have heard him speak…which isn’t often, I have to say the conversations have been brief – but enjoyable. Its strange. My family is one of those families that seem entirely made up of people who you don’t know very well. It’s an odd thing, and I never really liked it, but there never seemed to be too much that I could do about it. Anyway, blogs….I had to think about them while I listened to the stories. I actually felt a little bond with all those people – some of whose blogs I had piggybacked into reading, courtesy of Nukies links. I was surprised “Her Daddy’s Eyes” had the voice that she did, and thought Kimmyk sounded a lot younger than I had thought of her, in my mind. He sort of opened up this little world to me – one that I knew existed, but had not found a way into yet. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t thought of it. Anyone who likes to write and is even a modicum of opinionated is sure to seek out a blog site sooner or later…it was just that I wasn’t very computer literate and I didn’t think I could start one up easily. Then, of course, it happened. I somehow involved an old friend of mine, long since moved out of state…Queen Snarfetta, who likes to write…and rant…right along with me. The Queen has closed her site. The piece that she reads on the CD…odd…it was a lot like her in a way. Well, she said the blog had served its purpose. I e-mailed her back. I missed the site. I said by the time I said everything I needed to say I would have been dead for two weeks. It’s probably true. Nukie said (jokingly?) that I would regret starting it; I kind of understand that, as well. But, I don’t regret it. Sometimes it feels like I have volunteered to take home the school hamster over the summer break. If I get too busy, I get a little twinge of guilt. (“Well, really you should just check it at least…make sure it’s still OK….you don’t have to write anything…just at least take a look, then you can sort the laundry.”) It fits in better than I thought it would. Between work and the kids, my classes and…whatever else drags me around through the day. I thought about a recent post of “I Have No Name” where she talks about having your blog “discovered” by the outside world, your job, or family. I don’t know. I don’t think it would change anything now. I had to think, well why am I really doing this? Is it because I’m so pissed off at the Middle Classes economic slide into impending poverty? Is it really that I’m so sick and tired of Medicaid abuse and hearing about how elderly people choose between medical care or food? Is it really the disgust with the political dancing that allows the overseas job shunting, the pension gutting, and the hikes in fuel and goods that strangle everybody on a daily basis? Do I really care if people care? Do I care that I care? Well, yeah. I do. But that’s not the whole story. I realize my laptop has become some extension of me, some way to recover an essence of who I am, or was, or maybe think I am? BC – Before Children I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was, and if I didn’t, it didn’t matter because I had the luxury of time and space. AC – After Children, things all changed. That’s how I classify my life now. BC and AC. Things became…fragmented. I felt like suddenly I needed to hang on to myself, the things…about myself…with both hands, so that they wouldn’t get stripped away. You can get lost in the title “Mom”. Everything changes. This blog….well, I guess it is a way of remembering myself to myself. And maybe along the way I can meet some interesting people, maybe I can even change the world a little.