My Onion Pi

If you can figure out the name, you'll know what it's about. Fortunately, I'm literate. I'm also funny on occasion. Just beware of the flying PMS.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

All I want for Christmas is...


















Kimmy has this post up about pornography and it got me thinkin' about sex and sexuality.
Now, porn isn't my thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of appreciation for the male body (oh, yes indeedy I do) and women's bodies are beautiful and curvy, but what is it that people REALLY want when they look at porn?? Sexuality! If it were just raw parts we'd all be stocking our bookshelves with Anatomy books or subscribing to National Geographic. No, we want to be turned on! And what turns us on is sometimes very subtle and hard to define. So I started thinking about what sexuality is to me and I have to say what keeps coming back to my mind is Peter F**king Fonda. God, that guy turns me on. I swear, that's what started me on hippies in the first place. Peter F**king Fonda.

I grew up in a very, very, very small conservative middle-class suburb. We had the only double on our street. My parents and us kids lived in the downstairs flat, and my Mother's mother lived upstairs (except for this one brief stint where she had longed for the old days and moved back to the West side - only to find out, of course, that times had changed. When her flat, which my mom had rented out, became available again she moved back in - permanently. She didn't pine for the old days so much after that freaky deaky experience.)

Anyway, two doors down from us, in this big old Dutch Colonial, lived this crazy old lady named Frieda, and her family. Frieda was a clean freak. She would come outside dressed in a blue dress with a white apron, black crepe soled shoes, and a hairnet on her head; and she would wash the driveway with a scrub brush and a bucket. No shit. She was nuts, but her son! Her son was a hippie, and looked exactly (EXACTLY!!) like PETER FONDA!
He had a VW bug and...best of all...a Motorcycle. The fact that he was probably in his early twenties and I was twelve did not matter to me at all, but alas...he had a girlfriend...and, didn't know I existed. But! He used to sunbathe in her back yard...wearing a black speedo. Oh, God help me!! Needless to say, spent a lot of time looking out my grandmother's bathroom window.

Holy Shit!! The sight of Peter Fonda stradling all that hard shiny chrome still sends my hormones skyrocketing all over the universe. And people think TIES are a phallic symbol! Man, oh man. And that leather...pant, pant, pant...it's so primal and testosterone loaded. Oh, my God!! Who needs porn when you've got Peter F**King Fonda. Jesus, I'm sliding off my chair just thinkin' about it.

I swear that's why I've liked Hippies ever since...Mm-mm...and Motorcycles...Ooooh God...and the smell of a black leather jacket on a man...Oh, Lord have Mercy...can make me do some verrrry bad things. Whoooo! I have to stop writing now...


Easy Rider Hammy

12 Comments:

At Thu Feb 16, 03:01:00 AM, Blogger kimmyk said...

Ahhh Easy Rider Hammy-I've never seen a picture of him before-he is handsome in a bad boy sorta way.

That was a cool vision of your family's living arrangment. I have a friend who now lives in Cali and he always tells me stories of what it was like growing up in NY in a brownstone with his family living on different floors. Grandma in the "same house" seems to be the norm for italian families in NY...or so it seems.

I can't imagine scrubbing my driveway though.....nope, can't imagine that at all.

 
At Thu Feb 16, 07:43:00 AM, Blogger Chuck said...

I'm not into porn either...it requires no courage.

Maybe that's why I love to ride my motorcycle...all the second looks and stuff are great. But I love just the freedom of riding and open road, the smell of the leathers and hanging out with others that love the same. Unfortunately I had to give up my hair when I started working for a lawfirm. I've had long hair most of my life.

Later

 
At Fri Feb 17, 09:39:00 AM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

Let's face it. Every human being on Earth is the end result of a horny man and a naked woman. Without horny people the entire human race would die out within a hundred years! Though I do prefer soft core.

 
At Fri Feb 17, 09:56:00 AM, Blogger kimmyk said...

Hammy, I went to Nukie's blog and it was gone.....gone like for good or just gone for now?

 
At Fri Feb 17, 02:42:00 PM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

By the way, I have a black leather jacket.

 
At Sat Feb 18, 04:52:00 AM, Blogger kimmyk said...

Jeff, are you tryin' to pimp yourself out on Hammy's blog?

 
At Sat Feb 18, 07:14:00 AM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

I suspect Hammy is a married woman. But...just in case...yes I am.

 
At Sat Feb 18, 02:27:00 PM, Blogger CoffeeDog said...

I want that freak of a lady to come over and scrub my driveway!

 
At Mon Feb 20, 01:38:00 AM, Blogger WDKY said...

I don't think I was ever a hippy, although I had the longest hair of any guy at school and smoked a lot of grass :-)

The motor bike thing is funny, because I spent a good few years of my life riding them, and have refused to get another since being on my own (my ex had an aversion to them) because it smacks too much of some kind of middle-aged singledom cliche, Hammy, and it bothers me. That said, the Spring may just see a change of plan, as I generally live my life without giving a flying f*ck whether other people have a view on it or not. We'll see.

 
At Mon Feb 20, 06:31:00 AM, Blogger Hamrose said...

Well Jeff...I'm actually a "divorcee"...and I noticed that little comment about yer jacket..LOL

WDKY - I thought the same thing...but, ya know what? Life's too short to give a damn about what other people think. And you sure sounded like a hippie to me. (tee-hee).

Kimmy - What's this about Nukies blog?? I have to check it out.

 
At Mon Feb 20, 09:38:00 AM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

I'm shining up my leather as we speak. And I'm getting out the old Harley. Better get ready to feel my sinewy flesh Hammy!

 
At Mon Feb 20, 12:15:00 PM, Blogger Hamrose said...

LOL. You don't happen to look like Peter Fonda do you?

 

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