Not good news

My cousin's daughter died yesterday. She was 3 years old.
She drowned in their pool.
My mother told me the news before I went into work today. My first thought was that maybe it wasn't true (somehow) and my second thought was that I was glad they didn't come into my ER because it happened when I was at work Saturday. I know that may seem like a shitty thought, and maybe it is, but I don't want to see my family in my ER. That's one of my biggest fears. Sometimes it does happen, but not too often. And it's never happened with anything like this. This horrible...thing.

My poor cousin. He was watching her and he fell asleep. All I could think of was, how often did that happen to me when I was watching the kids. I am afraid for him. He is so griefstricken. There aren't words that can even describe his depth of grief and guilt.

I've been thinking about that psychic visit I had a couple of months ago when she told me she saw a funeral. A female relative.

Ever since she told me that - almost daily - I would think about it and wonder who it was and when it was going to happen. A few weeks ago I decided that the future is something I would rather not have advanced knowledge about. It's too much of a burden, and I can't deal with it as much as I would like to think I can.

I never thought it would be a little one.

I just don't understand things sometimes.

I want to go and see him. I just don't know if I should. This is so terrible. I don't want to intrude on his grief, but I want him to know I care.

Sometimes I think about losing my kids. I don't know what I would do if that happened. My littlest one is such a joy. She is so beautiful to look at. I just love staring at her pretty little heart shaped face. Sometimes I sit her on my lap and just let her prattle on and on and just watch her animations. And I think to myself, "God, she is just so beautiful." She holds all my joy, she really does. I don't know what I would do without her.

I feel so bad. I feel so bad for him. I feel so bad that all I can think about is that I'm glad it didn't happen to me. I know that's a normal thing to think, but I feel bad about it anyway.

The picture above is kind of strange, but what kind of picture do you post with something like this really? It's a photo someone took of the Black Madonna, but it came out too dark. Somehow I thought it would fit here....

How is it we can go through life and survive all the terrible things we survive?
And Christ Almighty, why do we have to? Why does life have to be so fucking hard all the time?

There must be more to the question of life and death.
The psychic told me there was nothing I could do about it and nothing I could do to stop it.
She also told me "she is ready to go".

I don't know what to make of that. When she said that I just assumed it was an older relative (Or me. shit sometimes I'm fucking ready to go.) But I never thought it was going to be a child.

All I can say, is I sincerely hope someday all of this crazy shit makes sense somehow. That someday there are answers and the answers make sense. God, I hope so. I hate to think there is no fucking rhyme or reason for any of this stuff.

She also told me that my family would get through this with a lot of love. I hope so. I don't know if they can. I don't know if he can.