My Onion Pi

If you can figure out the name, you'll know what it's about. Fortunately, I'm literate. I'm also funny on occasion. Just beware of the flying PMS.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Oh, Waiter!

Did ya ever just wake up one day and say to yourself, “This isn’t the life I had planned!”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just return it, like a mistaken plate of food?

Me: “Oh, Waiter! This wasn’t the life I ordered. I asked for The Life-O-Ease special sprinkled with good fortune, just a hint of fame and a side dish of Cabana Boys to Spare.”
Waiter: “I’m so sorry madam, but we are all out of that dish. We do have the Way to Marital Misery Wrap with huge chunks of Attorney Fee’s, smeared with large dollops of aged Regret and Dysfunction. It comes with a side dish of Sorrows and tall glass of your choice of Alcoholic Beverage to drown them in. We also have the ever popular Hell in a Handbasket, piled high with crisp chunks of Deep-fried Fast-Lane foods, an all-you-can-eat Illicit Substances Salad Bar and a bottomless bowl of Therapy and Rehab on the side.

May I suggest the Dis-Ease of the month dessert to go along with that?”

Me: “No thank you - I’ve had that dish before. I guess I’ll just keep the Long and Rocky Road roast with the side of Occasional Mild Mishap and Muddles noodles with Cheese, and the Little Bit-O-This and That Salad with the House Full of Kids and Italian family dressing on the side.”

Waiter: “Very Good, Madam.

Me: “And for dessert, I think I’ll have the Spicy Affair Sizzle for two.”

Waiter: “I’m so sorry Madam; we are all out of that as well.”

Me: “Then I guess I’ll have the Bland as Rice Pudding…for one, please.”

Or maybe, we could take a life out for a celestial test drive before we agree to buy it.

Me: “I’m in the market for a new life. Do you have anything you could show me?”

St. Peter: “Oh, we have some great models to choose from; over here for example. This little number is a bit racy, a European model, so you have to be careful once you get past third gear. Needs frequent clutch replacement and brake pads but its one fast ride. If you don’t watch the tank you’ll run out of gas before thirty. You may need to change the transmission by forty, that’s one of the biggest complaints we get. But it’s nothing a good plastic surgeon can’t fix. Oh yeah, one more thing – the male version of this life is not a good match - comes in red or light blue.”

Me: “Do you have anything a little slower?”

St. Pete: “Well, we do have this plain little two door sedan. We don’t get a lot of call for it though. Generally goes about an easy 100,000 but you’ve got to keep it under 80 and have the tires rotated regularly with the oil changes. Steady as they come though – very reliable. Only color it comes in is Black.”

Me: “Well, don’t you have something in the middle? You know - something that will get a lot of mileage but has a little pizzazz to it!”

St. Pete: “Oh, those are our most popular versions. We always have a backlog on those models. Right now estimated time of delivery is at least six months to a year. And if you want pin stripes you’ll have to add three weeks on to that time. Comes with leather interior though, and a really flashy hood ornament. You can get it in any color you want.”

Me: (Sigh) “Well, I really need something right now! Don’t you have anything else??”

St. Pete: “Well, let me have a look around. We did have one of those VW buses hanging around. It’s a not a luxury vehicle but it does get some decent mileage, and it has a tendency to take you to some far out places. Lots of room to grow in it, and its accommodating to frequent changes without too much repair work. I’ve been told by former owners that its one long strange trip. They’re not for everyone, but I guarantee you, you won’t be bored, and we do have a couple in stock now. Only color it comes in is a mixture called “Vivid”, seems to be viewed differently by everyone who sees it.”

Me: (Sigh) “OK. I’ll take it.”

St. Pete: “I’ll get you the keys.”

Me: “Oh Pete!”

St. Pete: “Yeah?”

Me: “Just remind me about all this when I come to turn it in.”

Pete: “Sure thing.”

- Ham Bone


At Thu Mar 30, 11:08:00 AM, Blogger Jeff Vachon said...

Hammy this is grerat, You should submit this to an online humor mag. Here's one out of the UK. I write for them sometimes. Check out

You're goin places kid.

At Thu Mar 30, 06:21:00 PM, Blogger kimmyk said...

Man that desert sounded good too!

At Sat Apr 01, 01:26:00 AM, Blogger WDKY said...

What a great post. I'm sorry I've been so sidetracked lately, Hammy... things like this make the effort to get in front of the computer worthwhile, though.


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