My Onion Pi

A Hammy's work is never done...

2006-08-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Man, time flies when yer working yer butt off. This has ta be the busiest summer I have ever had. I can't believe it's August 18th already.... I have been working on my absurdly overambitious summer project of painting my entire household interior. I did get Ham Jr #2's room done and aside from the bronchospasm I had from spray painting the hardware on her dressers everything went really well. Nothing that a breathing treatment and a little steroids wouldn't fix. (Those meth heads don't know what they are doing....they ought to try Prednisone - talk about a buzz! Holy shit...) The room looks fabulous. In fact if it was any cuter it would explode. I painted her walls and trim 1950's pink, sanded her dressers and headboard and painted those white with black hardware, and put in little shadowbox shelves and a new rug. That was last week, this week I painted the living room and hallway, and ripped out the last of the wall-to-wall carpet. I decided to let Ham Jr #1 help me. I figured I was being a bit of a hypocrite because if she was a 9 year old boy I would be teaching him how to do that stuff. Actually, she was a lot of help....couldn't have done it without her.

I wish I had a digital camera I would take pictures. It's just that I have to be dragged into tech stuff kicking and screaming..... I think microwaves were out for 10 years before I finally got one, and that was only because Edith and Archie bought it for me.

So guess what? Queen Snarfetta is moving to California. She was going to stay with Rockdog, but he dodged that bullet (LOL). So anyway, while I was talking to her new prospective landlord (to give a reference) we discovered that we're both disgruntled old hippie chicks!!! How great is that?? Snarfetta's new landlord is an old California radical flower child (LOL) and we've decided to team up and make the world a better place. I'm not sure what we're going to do just yet....but I'll keep ya posted.

So Kimmy is going back to school! YEAH!! You go girl! (Hang in there...it may suck a bit but you can do it.) I'm proud of you. And she got to meet Coffeedog live and in person. So nice.
Speaking of Coffee..I discovered after painting a wall or two that my new livingroom color is very coffee and cream like. Needless to say I like it...

So, I have a tech question (FS5, Nukie, etc...) I keep getting a notice from Microsoft that support for Service Pack 1 ends October 10th, but when I downloaded Service Pack 2 it made a mess of my e-mail (among other things) so I took it out and instead ordered the CD but do I need to install it and what will happen if I don't??

And what's with this blogger beta edition??? Do I hafta sign up for that?? What is it and why does it exist??

Anyway, if I haven't been around that's the reason why. I'm gonna cruise a little and see what blogs I can read.

Hammy

The world according to Hammy

2006-08-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Nukie had posted a comment on Onion Dribbles that has me thinking. I guess blogs mean different things to different people. Maybe I'm being reactionary but I feel compelled to explain myself somewhat.

I went out to breakfast Friday with an old high school friend. She told me how much she likes reading "the blog", although she doesn't leave comments. It's funny because there aren't too many people in the "real world" who know about it. So I guess that it leaves me a little room to wander.

I told her that the nice thing about having a blog (with relative anonymity, if I don't count my brothers) is that it lets you become a caricature of yourself (an exaggeration if you will).
Part of what makes me, me is that I care about the world around me. I don't like injustice, corporate greed or a government run by billionaires who pretend to give a crap about anyone who isn't. I don't like the use of other peoples kids for cannon fodder, or using tax dollars for personal political agendas. I don't like not being able to buy a decent made item stamped "Made in USA" and I don't like the outsourcing of white collar jobs to India. I don't like conveniently porous borders to slave stock the so-called "unskilled labor" jobs with illegal aliens and I really don't like the shafting of the middle class American by business and government alike.
I don't like capitalism "gone wild" that makes money without any conscience or accountability, I don't like successive generations inheriting "crumbs from the table" if anything useable on this planet at all, and I don't like the state of health care in this country and the growing number of uninsured (or underinsured) people.

The problem is I'm not rich, I'm not powerful and I'm not in politics. But I still care.

So I have a place to talk about all of that.

As far as personal stories, writing has always been a way for me to take the things I'm thinking about out of my head (or heart) and put them on something relatively innocuous, like paper or in this case e-paper, so that I can view them from a different perspective. Turn them all around and look at them from all angles I guess. There is an art technique called chiaroscuro. It is the arrangement of light and dark. The light parts are viewed as important and necessary as the dark parts in forming a picture. I don't write things to make people feel bad, or make someone look bad (unless it's that asshole Bush and crew). I write about things to learn about myself. How am I connected to these people? How do I feel about things that happen or have happened and what it means to me now, if anything at all. And sometimes stark realities just make a good story. That's not to say the story will always be a happy one per say. But sometimes it's not an unhappy one either. It's just irony. Irony is one of my favorite happenings in life. Even when it doesn't turn out well. There's just something about irony that I find appealing. I don't know what to say. I do write some funny stuff. Actually, I write a lot of funny stuff, I think...

It's like when I used to work in the OR and they'd hand off some body part or another and you'd stare at it, sitting in the bowl. You'd stare at it with this kind of strange mix of revulsion and fascination and think things like "Boy, we sure do look a lot like chicken sometimes." or "I'm never going to eat steak again." or "Holy shit, is that what that looks like." or "How the hell am I supposed to fit this in that container?" or a whole lotta other weird thoughts.

Sometimes ya just need to say things. If nothing else, just to see if there's anyone out there
who feels the same way.

-Ham for a Day

The latest "good idea" from the government

2006-08-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

The newest idea in welfare reform:

"...under new federal rules, studying for a bachelor's degree no longer counts by itself as an acceptable way for people on welfare to spend their time.

A decade after the government set out to transform the nation's welfare system, the limits on college are part of a controversial second phase of welfare reform that is beginning to ripple across the country. The new rules, written by Congress and the Bush administration, require states to focus intensely on making more poor people work, while discouraging other activities that might help untangle their lives.

By Oct. 1, state and local welfare offices must figure out how to steer hundreds of thousands of low-income adults into jobs or longer work hours. They also must adjust to limits on the length of time people on welfare can devote to trying to shed drug addictions, recover from mental illnesses or get an education.

This second generation of change reverses a central idea behind the 1996 law that ended six decades of welfare as an unlimited federal entitlement to cash assistance. The law decentralized welfare, handing states a lump sum of money and the freedom to design their own programs of temporary help for poor families. Ten years later, the government is tightening the federal reins.

Many state officials and advocates are furious. "You had fixed block grants in exchange for state flexibility," said Elaine M. Ryan, deputy executive director of the American Public Human Services Association, which represents welfare directors around the country. "Now you have fixed block grants in exchange for federal micromanagement. . . . That was not the deal."

Aside from government micromanagement, I really don't think this is a good idea. I'm not saying send them to Medical School, but shit...obtaining education that will help get not only that one person off welfare, but their family as well. And create a role model of a working parent instead of a welfare parent, not to mention a parent who went to college.

I've paid for my own education, and still am...so I'm not a fan of handing out college degrees to welfare recipients (or prisoners for that matter) but it makes more sense than paying them to sit around on their asses, or work jobs that still qualify them for welfare...

Once upon a time I taught (adult learners) the Certified Nurses Aide classes at a job I once had. They gave me a group of about 17 or 18 people of varying ages and races. I took the job seriously, and worked to make these kids and older adults successful.
I had a girl in my class who looked like a typical trailer trash dumb ass blonde. When I graded the first exam I was shocked to see she had gotten one of the highest grades in the class. When the class was over I started to talk to her about her exam. What struck me so much about this girl was how insistant she was that she was stupid. It took me months to convince her she was not only smart, but that she had the ability to go on with her education and become a nurse.

I had the highest passing percentage of CNA's in the entire history of that facilities classes. That class and I turned more than a few peoples lives in a better direction. A couple years later, after I had left that job, I got a phone call from that girl's boyfriend telling me she had just graduated from Nursing School. He told me she wanted me to be at her graduation, instead of her Mother, because her Mother was an abusive alcoholic loser who couldn't care less for her daughters accomplishments. He told me that throughout her entire time at Nursing School when things got tough, she talked about the nurse who had encouraged her, and told her she had the ability to be a great nurse, and was the first person in her life to tell her she was smart and capable and deserved a better life than the shit she was handed... He wanted to thank me...but he already had...

Some people are lazy, manipulative losers who earn the shitty lives they lead. But some people aren't. I guess I would rather take the chance on paying to make sure that one of the deserving ones aren't overlooked... Maybe that's liberal, maybe its bleeding heart and maybe it's stupid. But it's how I see it. Some people have just had so much shit poured on their head that they can't overcome it all. Not everyone has the same chances in life. I'm a fighter for the underdog and I guess I always will be. But that girl showed me something. Even a white trailer trash loser may really be a smart capable nurse in disguise...

Hammy

Quote of the Day

2006-08-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

"Love is an exploding Cigar we willingly smoke." -Lynda Barry

Beans, that's what I like about you. When you disagree at least you do it intelligently.
You make a lot of good points, and I have to say I agree in theory with everything you say. I do however, have a problem with the way the whole "free market" thing has evolved.

The problem, the way I see it is this:

In the beginning was man and man needed stuff. Man needed so much stuff that he couldn't make it all himself. So man hooked up with others and formed big groups to make stuff. Now it was easy to divide the stuff making by whomever was the best at making it, because their were more people. So people became makers and traders of stuff and people began to specialize. Some things were more valuable than others, but overall, since so much stuff was needed and nothing was easy to obtain everyone managed to do OK.

As time went by people began to invent ways to make making stuff easier. Initially that was great because their was still a lot less stuff than people. But now it became evident that some stuff was much more desirable than other stuff and some makers of stuff managed to do much, much better than others. As these people started to acquire and keep the limited resources like land, materials and access, other people were getting shut out and subsequently couldn't make that stuff. Now those particular stuff makers were doing much, much, much better than the others. But that was still OK because those people that were shut out from making the stuff, could now lend their labor to help the makers of stuff make more. So they were compensated with money. So some people became makers of stuff and others became users of stuff but since the users of stuff were compensated by helping the makers make stuff it all worked out OK.

Eventually those materials and access to resources were held and kept in fewer and fewer hands and then those hands started to look around and say, "Why do we need to have all of these users of stuff helping us when we could take our stuff and go make it over there where people are willing to make our stuff for less." and so they did. But that left the people who had originally been making the stuff out in the cold, because there was no stuff to make where they were. So now they didn't have anything they could make or do and had no compensation because now there was a lot more users of stuff than makers of stuff. So the makers of stuff had a lot of options and the users of stuff did not. So then the makers of stuff told the users of stuff that they didn't have any skills worth paying any meaningful compensation for. (Meaning any of the skills the makers of stuff couldn't eliminate) And since the makers of stuff owned most of the stuff and the resources used to make the stuff the users of stuff had very little choices.

(Hm-mm-mm. this is starting to sound a lot like Player Piano to me....) But I'm no Vonnegut.
Still, this is the problem as I see it. The glittery marvels and sweet promises of Capitalism aside, the truth of the matter is we have come full circle back to the Middle Ages. Only instead of Lords of the Manor and Serfs, we have Corporations and Consumers. Same difference.

I always say "isms" are "isms" and they all look good on paper. But the actual practice of all these "isms" usually have one major flaw, and that's the "Human Factor". Everything changes when you add in the human factor. Humans are greedy. We have just traded a person, a recognizable face for a faceless corporation...dare I say, a Beast. But the result is the same and we are all bowing down to the Beast and the only cost is the sacrifice of human beings.

I know that much of what happens to people is a result of choice. Believe me, I see it every day in the ER...(shudder) you wouldn't believe the things I see. And I could easily be a hard hearted people hater. (Sometimes I am a little too calloused) but I try to cut people some slack. I too decided to go to college (and then more and more college) to seek out a better wage and position in the "market place" but I know that some people can't do that for whatever reason. I'm lucky that I have the support and assistance I need to undertake this whole Master's Program. I can easily envision being stuck and not able to change my circumstances if just a few things in my life were different. Some people really have to follow their heart when it comes to the work they do, some people choose to give up compensation to be of what they consider to be helping others. Paramedics are a good example of this. Woefully underpaid for what they do.... The sin in this is that we NEED these people, but act like we don't. Where would we be without Nurses Aides or Paramedics? Both of who usually make less than $10 an hour.

Other people just don't have the same kind of opportunities and support. It's easy when you're walking a clear straight path to arrive at your destination. It isn't so easy when the path is strewn with obstacles or the path is all uphill, or riddled with peaks and valleys.
Some people just can't overcome to the same degree. And we don't have the right to take advantage of that.

I NEED garbage men, waitresses, latte makers, store clerks, cab drivers, bell hops, bartenders, night watchmen, ticket takers, car washers, valet parkers, shampoo girls, receptionists, delivery boys, lawn trimmer guys and all of those other people that don't need a degree to do their jobs. How would my life function without them? I appreciate and need them. I know they work their asses off for the money and I think they deserve some measure of fair compensation. They don't deserve to be nickled and dimed.

Where would we be if everyone was a rocket scientist? Screwed...with no coffee no less.
The point is, Starbucks benefits mightily from the latte makers, restaurants benefit mightily from the wait staff and theaters need ticket takers and the guy handing you the bucket of popcorn. I'm not saying don't make a profit, I'm just saying SHARE THE WEALTH for crying out loud. The shareholders don't need to make millions a years, CEO's don't need to take home $25 million a year, and for christ sakes corporations don't need to profit billions of dollars a quarter. Share the fucking wealth.

As for healthcare? Yes. It is a right. It is just as much a right as a national military and homeland security is. Is is as much a right as having the police force, the fire department, the parks department, the highway department, the FDA, CIA, FBI, public schools, hospitals and anything else you can think of that the government provides.

The sin of it is that politics and greed (Can you say American Medical Association and its lobbyists?) are the reasons we don't have a national plan in place. Is it spelled out in the constitution? No, but what is implied is the obligation to take care of the well being of the people in this country in whatever form that takes. The founding fathers were smart enough not spell everything out in detail....probably because they saw how people dance around the Ten Commandments...and that's only 10 statements. Instead they provided a living document that has expanded over the years to cover many areas by amendments. This is another one of those areas that needs to be added. And soon. Healthcare should not be a burden that companies have to carry. If they want to ADD to it - so much the better, then people can receive enhanced plans as a benefit, but we need a comprehensive BASIC plan that covers every CITZEN of this country and allows basic medical and dental care to be access for the cost of the taxes we pay. Cut the PORK and spend the money AT HOME.

I like you Beans, yer alright with me. I think we are alike in the heart...we just have a different perspective at times. I'm sure Sam Walton was a great man. He sure had some good ideas. Too bad his heirs don't see it the same way. (Greedy slobs).

As for the flat tax...Hm-mm-mm...I'm still tossing that one around. I kind of favor it in some respects but the across the board percentage tax is very appealing too. I can tell you one thing I am squarely against is the elimination of the Estate Tax. Paris Hilton be damned...

Ham-er-roo-bah

Victory Dance...

2006-07-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

"I fixed my computer, I fixed my computer!!" It's true...I fixed it myself, and it's running like a champ.

Waka, you big shit....I'll remember that...it's only a bike fer christ sake....
You'll all be sorry when I'm gone...
Your gonna say, I shoulda let old Hammy ride the bike. And it will be too late.

Thanks WDKY for the advice. It really helped. You're an angel.....

FS5 you should link that pic. I figured you'd find it...ya smart little computer type dude, you.
Not that I feel sorry for her, working for the Bush Admin would give me a migraine too.

Firestarter, I have to say the photo's on yer blog are shitty as all hell and nauseating to the eye teeth, but I have to back Israel on this one. With all due respect to the truly innocent, at least Israel doesn't dick around. They give 'em a warning to cut the shit, and if they don't they rain bombs. Better than what we're doing: using your military personnel for cannon fodder and spending $300 billion and 4 years dip shitting around. Israel has always played it straight with terrorists. I'm sure this comment will ignite a shit storm but that's how I see it... It sometimes seems that in the Middle East, Israel can do no right, but everyone else is cut the slack. When was the last time anyone heard of Israel sending suicide bombers into other peoples countries? I realize it all stems back to the original 1917 agreement with Britain, which was a big jacked up deal, and the mess of the Balfour declaration. But the bottom line is every time Israel does a "land for peace deal" the other side gets the land and never manages to keep the peace. It's a lotta crap. Lebanon is as dirty as all the rest...

As for minimum wage (as long as I'm on a run) there is NO EVIDENCE that raising wages cuts jobs. NO EVIDENCE. Even among economists surveyed in 2003 only 46% agreed with the statement that raising minimum wage cuts jobs. People who work deserve to be able to live. There is no such thing as an "unskilled job" if you have to think, write, speak, or physically manipulate something then that's a freaking skill!! Christ almighty. Anyone who has worked as a waitress, a cab driver, a nurses aide, a tow truck driver, a short order cook, a store clerk or any one of the host of low paying jobs knows that you BUST YOUR ASS on those goddamn jobs and people deserve to be able to afford to live in decent housing and drive a decent car, as well as put food on the table and clothe themselves. When these fucking CEO's earn ten bazillion goddamn dollars a year, and these sports thugs earn Gazillions, and these fucking Hollywood numbnuts earn Tragillions a year then YES, the common working stiff deserves a fucking decent paying job!

Beans: $10 and hour (and you know you don't get a paid lunch with that, baby) translates to $375 dollars GROSS an week. Big Fucking Deal...and that's by the year 2010. Shit balls that's all that is....for a city as expensive as Chicago it's shit balls. What should minimum wage be? Oh, I don't know. Why don't we do something like....tie it to the salary of the CEO???? Yeah, that's a good idea. Tie it to the salary of the CEO. He makes more, they make more. Yeah, that'll work for me.

Do you all realize that these jobs are held by men and women in their 30's, 40's, 50's?? We aren't talking teenagers here. Next time you are in Walmart....take a look at who really works there. Not everyone is going to go to college and earn a degree as a Lawyer or Doctor or Engineer or Rocket Scientist. Not everyone is going to learn a trade and be an Electrician or a Plumber. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way for some people - for whatever reason. But they are still working for crying out loud. They shouldn't be PUNISHED for it by having to work for shit pay.

The top 6 richest Walton family members combined incomes total almost 1 trillion dollars.
That is a freaking sin.

And we need a national health insurance plan of some kind! Health benefits are not optional they are a RIGHT. This country needs to step up to the plate and TAKE CARE OF ITS CITIZENS.

Washington is owned by the wealthy and the powerful. The wealthy are greedy and distanced from the reality of the average man and womans life. The wealthy are concerned with increasing their wealth, period. Laws are not made they are bought. The only time something like this gets passed is when the cry and hue of the sin of not passing it has been ignored beyond what the politicians can even stand. And then what is passed is too little too late.

Sorry baby, but its PMS week...and like I once said, PMS for me means play mine straight...or as my ex once said, "PMS with you means pack my suitcase."

Jalepeno Ham

Learning to fly

2006-07-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Did anyone happen to see the picture of Condoleezza Rice in the New York Times on Thursday?? Well it's priceless. She's shown standing at a microphone with Prime Minister Fouad Siniora of Lebanon next to her and she's holding her head and looking like she's about to puke, pass out or both. The caption should read "Why did I take this job, why DID I take this job?" Maybe FS5 can scare it up. He's good at stuff like that.

Other good news in the Times: Chicago orders "Big Box" stores to raises wages. To a mere $10 an hour by 2010 and an additional $3.oo in benefits. Paltry, but it's a start.

Another piece of news that made old Hammy smile: The securities and exchange commission adopted a set of rules to make it easier to see how much top executives are paid.

Well, well. All in all 3 good reasons to buy the NY Times.

So I've been taking out my love life angst with power tools in the form of sanding down and refinishing my daughters dressers. God power tools are theraputic!! And cheaper than buying shoes, although they don't look as nice...

I went to the grocery store to return my empty bottles and in comes this guy (who I have seen walking around town from time to time) who has one huge mat of hair from the top of his head to the back of his knees. He has several layers of clothes on, including a parka jacket (This is July, and even in Buffalo it's warm in July) and has an odor radius of about 2 and 1/2 feet and is laughing to himself (with some gusto I might add). He ends up standing in the checkout line behind me in order to redeem his bottle tickets for a bag of Dorito's. So I turned around and
gave him my bottle tickets. I figured he needed it more than me. If he weren't so plumb crazy I would have mentioned to him, that in the future - should he happen to need medical care - that several OTHER area hospitals have great ER's... just in case.

So I saw Pirates of the Carribean, Dead Man's Chest and I have to say I enjoyed the performance. Johnny Depp is great in that part and he's made it an excellent character.
However, it is a shameless set up for the third movie - even by Hollywood standards. Christ it almost feels like it ends in the middle of the goddamn movie. I'm sitting there and all of a sudden it's over? So, I'm like WTF? But I'll tell ya this - it takes some talent to make a guy with rotten teeth so goddamn sexy. Holy shit...Mm-mm-mmm. The kissing scenes make me want to spit, but he is a sexy, sexy man.

So Waka, the girls tell me you have a motorcycle!?! Is this true???? In that case why haven't ya come over here and given me a riding lesson....ya big shit...

I'm off...need to cruise some blogs.

C U Later

Hammy

Yeah, yeah...happy birthday to me...

2006-07-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Ok. Well Waka went and posted a happy birthday message for me on his blog. Yep, twas my birthday last week.

Ok. I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention:

The official number is 29. It stays 29 until I change it, and I ain't a gonna change it.

And in case yer wondering where Nukie's baby picture is...it will be scanned in and posted in September at some point. And then I'll tell ya the secret about these pictures if ya don't figure it out. Hint: review Waka's and see if ya notice anything...I'm not a tellin afore September...

Oh, hell...

2006-07-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well. I'm back from vacation and in stereotypical fashion I called in sick on what was supposed to be my first day back (fuck that shit) because in my mind I was still on vacation.
So guess what happens while I'm home playin hookey? The friggin light in the kitchen spontaneously explodes and catches fire! WTF!! So, big mess, Archie "helping" me (holy shit, one of these days I'm gonna just lose it...) and had to call in to work ANOTHER day AND pay premium price for an electrician to come out on a Sunday and inspect the wires and shit so I could turn the electricity back on that circuit. WTF?

Then...I'll spare the details and just say I ended up getting a not too pleasant kick in the ass in the "affairs of the heart" department. I had to go to WDKY's blog and view a slide show of all of his HNT pics and go to FS5's blog and read how much of an asshole Bush is just to make myself feel better.

Jesus H. Christ.

Nukie, my computer is all fucked up again, and it's not my fault. Fix it pleeeeeeeease!

Well Runningman ended his blog. It's a shame, it was one of my favorite one's.
Good luck to ya honey and stop by and say Hi every once in a while.

I see Bush is still an asshole (have to say it, it makes me feel better).

So I need to channel all this heartbreak hotel energy into something positive...so, I'm gonna paint the living room and rip the carpet out and put a nice oriental carpet in there. Nothing like a little decorating ta make me feel better...or some shit like that...

Well, I'm off ta visit some blogs.
See ya,

Ham-burger Helper Hammy

P.S. Like the illustration for this post? That's how I friggin feel... and with no novocaine either....shit, shit and double shit.

Clean Up Yer Computer

2006-07-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ok. I know it's not the computers fault but it needs to clean up its act.
If your computer needs to clean up its act I highly recommend cruising over to Firestarter 5's blog site. Heres the link. The porn shots are on the bottom (no pun intended).

I'd like ta say thanks, eh! The Crap Cleaner is the best. Wakanukie said he heard it would interfere with Spybot Search and Destroy (another great download) but I haven't found that to be the case.

Hammy

Family Reunion Time

2006-07-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

If anyone needs me, I'll be at the beach. It's family reunion time again. LOL

Hammy

Happy Fourth of July

2006-07-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July. Hope everyone is having a nice relaxing day free from work, stress and George Bush.

On this day I like to remember that the United States belongs to the people. (No matter what the elected assholes like to think.)

I also like to take a moment and remember the "red" in the stripes and say a from-the-heart thank you to all those who gave of themselves in this country's history. The United States has many outstanding things about it, but I think our military ranks right up there. It never fails to amaze me that no matter how lazy, stupid, selfish or ignorant the general population of this country seems to me at times, that what rises to the top are dedicated and honorable people who make the voluntary (and sometimes involuntary) choice to defend their nation and President; in more often than not, dismal and dangerous circumstances. Usually on foreign shores and sometimes without much support or understanding at home.

I never take their sacrifice lightly and I know without them I couldn't have the life I lead today. This day belongs to them. And because of them this day belongs to us.

Kiss a soldier! (and then send him to me...)

Star Spangled Hammy

Wakanukie, ya owe me ten bucks

2006-06-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I ended up with a "B" in Chemistry. Not bad for an old broad who hasn't taken an Algebra or a Science class in two decades...
I learned some interesting stuff.
Namely, you can whip up all kinds of useful things in a chemistry lab.
For example, the chemical formula for Trinitrotoluene (also known as TNT) is C7H5(NO2)3 and Cyanide is a basically simple polyatomic ion of Carbon and Nitrogen.

Ah well, it's a good thing I discovered all this stuff after the good old bad days...(the fun I could have had...)

So the Hammy family is going on vacation later this month. Unfortunately it won't involve VW buses, Gerry Garcia or tie dye clothing. But it's a vacation nonetheless. We're going to the seaside. Or close enough...the idyllic shores of Lake Ontario. For a NO AGENDA week of sand and sun.

I trotted the little Hams and Wakanukies kids to Target for bathing suits and a few new clothes. The youngest Ham has a bad habit of thinking her clothes are either single-use only or really portable napkins. Gee-sus. It's bad enough that one look around the kitchen and you can always tell where she's eaten, but one look at her shirt will tell you WHAT she's eaten. Terrible.
Anyway, I spent a good portion of the time in the Fitting Room telling them "Come on girls, Auntie Ham needs a Latte - bad."

Memo to self: Next time, stop at Tim Horton's FIRST.

Afterward I took them all to lunch at the only place all four of them could agree on...Mc Donalds. (Yuk.) So there we are with our assorted "Happy Meals" and the like. Well, my older niece makes a tiny (teeny tiny) hole in the corner of the packet of her salad dressing, and decides to "squirt" the rest out by shear force. In the meantime this older man comes walking down the aisle just as her salad dressing arch's into the air, and gets the vast majority of the packet on both legs of his pants. So I get up and try to help him wipe up the mess with a napkin (bad idea. very bad idea.) and she (poor thing) was completely mortified and really very sorry about the whole thing, but he was a little porky about it (not that I blame him) so I ended up having to give him ten bucks so he could dry clean his pants. Afterwards the kids and I laughed about it but I was doing all this on NO COFFEE (another very bad idea.)

Anyway, the upshot of the day:
1) Caesar Salad dressing does not come out easily from silk pants.
2)It takes half a week to earn it and one hour to spend $300 on shorts, T-shirts, two tiny bathing suits and a beach blanket.
3) and Waka, ya owe me ten bucks.

Is it September yet?

Hammy

In memory

2006-06-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite pictures of Mary and the infant Jesus.

Well, it's over. The funeral was this morning. Unfortunately I had a Chemistry final to take and could not attend. For the lack of concentration I had, it almost would have been better to go to the funeral, but whatever I end up getting on this exam will be better than a zero.

I did go to the wake yesterday.

There aren't even words to describe how bad it was. My poor cousin was so buried in grief he was inconsolable. Everyone was just so heart broken.

I can't think of anything harder to wrap your mind around than the sight of a toddler in a casket. It's just a crime against nature.

The cycle of life is so hard to understand. There in the same room was his sister, who is expecting her first child in August. I felt bad for her in a way, but actually the timing couldn't be better in a way. We need the joy. They all need the joy.

Fortunately he has a large and very close family. And they all have very strong faith. Of course, no one really ever wants to test that faith...not like this...

The funny thing is, when something like this happens you cry for them as much as you do for yourself. The thought of the death of your own children makes it's way into your head.

I appreciate the thoughts and comments from everyone. It means a lot. I know this is a hard subject to read about but I really couldn't write about anything else when this was happening. I hope you all understand (I know you do).

Thanks,
Hammy

Not good news

2006-06-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

My cousin's daughter died yesterday. She was 3 years old.
She drowned in their pool.
My mother told me the news before I went into work today. My first thought was that maybe it wasn't true (somehow) and my second thought was that I was glad they didn't come into my ER because it happened when I was at work Saturday. I know that may seem like a shitty thought, and maybe it is, but I don't want to see my family in my ER. That's one of my biggest fears. Sometimes it does happen, but not too often. And it's never happened with anything like this. This horrible...thing.

My poor cousin. He was watching her and he fell asleep. All I could think of was, how often did that happen to me when I was watching the kids. I am afraid for him. He is so griefstricken. There aren't words that can even describe his depth of grief and guilt.

I've been thinking about that psychic visit I had a couple of months ago when she told me she saw a funeral. A female relative.

Ever since she told me that - almost daily - I would think about it and wonder who it was and when it was going to happen. A few weeks ago I decided that the future is something I would rather not have advanced knowledge about. It's too much of a burden, and I can't deal with it as much as I would like to think I can.

I never thought it would be a little one.

I just don't understand things sometimes.

I want to go and see him. I just don't know if I should. This is so terrible. I don't want to intrude on his grief, but I want him to know I care.

Sometimes I think about losing my kids. I don't know what I would do if that happened. My littlest one is such a joy. She is so beautiful to look at. I just love staring at her pretty little heart shaped face. Sometimes I sit her on my lap and just let her prattle on and on and just watch her animations. And I think to myself, "God, she is just so beautiful." She holds all my joy, she really does. I don't know what I would do without her.

I feel so bad. I feel so bad for him. I feel so bad that all I can think about is that I'm glad it didn't happen to me. I know that's a normal thing to think, but I feel bad about it anyway.

The picture above is kind of strange, but what kind of picture do you post with something like this really? It's a photo someone took of the Black Madonna, but it came out too dark. Somehow I thought it would fit here....

How is it we can go through life and survive all the terrible things we survive?
And Christ Almighty, why do we have to? Why does life have to be so fucking hard all the time?

There must be more to the question of life and death.
The psychic told me there was nothing I could do about it and nothing I could do to stop it.
She also told me "she is ready to go".

I don't know what to make of that. When she said that I just assumed it was an older relative (Or me. shit sometimes I'm fucking ready to go.) But I never thought it was going to be a child.

All I can say, is I sincerely hope someday all of this crazy shit makes sense somehow. That someday there are answers and the answers make sense. God, I hope so. I hate to think there is no fucking rhyme or reason for any of this stuff.

She also told me that my family would get through this with a lot of love. I hope so. I don't know if they can. I don't know if he can.

The 99th post

2006-06-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

I believe I am living in the most dangerous place on earth - the Land of Illusion, formerly known as The United States of America.

My country is floating on a cloud of illusion that we are still the greatest and the most powerful nation in the world. The truth is our status as a world power is slipping daily and our enemies, who are making alliances around the globe are growing stronger every day. Maybe someday the voicemail systems will be in Arabic (or Chinese or Korean or Russian) and we can press #2 for Spanish and #3 for English.

People here are under the mistaken impression that our schools and our level of education is the best in the world, when the truth is we fall ever closer to the bottom of the list every year that goes by. We continue to "prepare" an ever failing nation's children for “jobs and careers” that haven't existed in years and crank out kids by the thousands who can't read past an eighth grade level, can't perform basic math calculations and know more about Hip Hop culture and the newest cell phone ring tones than History or Geography. Meanwhile our American companies quietly hire engineers from India and China on a daily basis while handing our new grads a broom and a mop.

We continue to believe in the mythological story of the "American Dream" when the truth is the new "American Reality" is one of unemployment, underemployment or a life of Welfare, Medicaid and Food Stamps. The truth is our nations decline is fueled by outsourced jobs, illegal aliens and Walmart-style employment tactics that strip away health care benefits, pensions and livable wages layer by layer until the only thing that remains is the shell and a memory of what a Middle Class way of life used to be.

We continue to sing about "purple mountains majesty" and "amber waves of grain" when the truth is the land we love has been raped and peddled to the highest bidder. Between bananas from Chile and lettuce from Mexico, we can't even feed ourselves anymore. The family farmer has been replaced by business men with farm subsidies - being paid to grow nothing - and the family farms were driven out of business and bankrupted decades ago.

We continue to watch commercials showing poverty and ignorance as a way of life that applies to some other third world country around the globe, when the reality is that it's in our own backyard. We write out a check to Save the Children when the truth is that 1/3 of our nations children are growing up in poverty right in front of our face and "No Child Left Behind" is a farce and a failure.

We continue to accept politician words like "global economy" and "free market" when the truth is they are just labels slapped on to cover up an unprecedented corporate level of greed and corruption that is truly mind boggling. We like to believe in the Ward Cleaver illusion of the 1950's workforce; flying in the face of facts that tell us the average CEO earns 3-400 times more than the other workers in the company. The truth is that outsourcing American jobs has become our number one export, and dismantling the American workforce the number one agenda.

We continue to uphold the myth that everyone in the country has access to the best health care on earth, when the truth is we are one of only two nations on the planet that don't have universal health care coverage for it's population. A whopping 80 million Americans do not have health care coverage at any given time. We can't cure or adequately manage the top ten chronic illnesses that pummel the shit out of the national healthcare budget and we have no plan, goal or direction for the mental illness and drug addiction's that have ravaged our work force population and filled our prisons to the brim. The nations Emergency Rooms are in crisis, filling the role of the dwindling primary care doctors offices and non-existant Medicaid clinics. The nations hospitals are being bankrupted with disenfranchised elderly who have no long term care provisions or assistance and our prisons and homeless shelters are serving as Mental Institutions and Drug Rehab centers.

We continue to debate the nonsense of Democrat vs. Republican when the truth is we are flipping the two sides of the same coin - neither one of which is brave enough or honest enough or capable enough to pull us out of the mire we are sinking further into every day.

We stand open armed and closed eyed at Ellis Island, while the truth is our borders are as porous as our bank accounts and retirement plans. Illegal aliens walk across or drive across, unseen and undocumented by Immigration, but expected and welcomed by businesses across the county who are rapidly replacing any remaining American workers with the newest form of slave labor.

We delude ourselves into thinking that the terrorists are somewhere out in the desert, with ski masks on and a machine gun in hand when the truth is, they're across the street from us, and standing behind us in the supermarket; hating us and waiting for the opportunity to attack us like a pack of rabid dogs.

We continue to “charge” our way to happiness, when the truth is our collective debt - both on a personal level and a governmental level - is staggeringly unsustainable. Foolishly believing the party will never end - yet when the day comes and the foreign nations who own us, call in the markers on our debt - our governmental and personal economy will collapse like a financial house of cards.

We persist in the myth of our own civility, when the truth is our streets, our schools and our public places are filled with gangsta's and barbarians who measure the worth of other people in terms of what can be taken or stolen from them. Manners, decency and respect for life have long left the building and we didn't even notice.

We continue to delude ourselves that we are one nation under God, when the truth is that God has been torn down and traded off from our schools, our government and our churches decades ago in the warped attempt at making everyone happy. The truth is we are growing a nation of children who are adrift and making their way ever closer to the amoral whirlpool which is sucking them under.

We wrap ourselves in the pink clouded belief that our politicians are “American’s”, when the truth is they belong to their own special nation of the Billionaire Elite; manipulating and manufacturing laws and loopholes to benefit only themselves and those that own them. They line their pockets as fast as they can, while laying the rest of us out on a silver platter.

We delude ourselves into thinking that Middle Eastern wars are “winnable”. When the truth is we are fighting ideology and fanaticism wrapped in centuries of ignorance, bloodshed and animal hatred that we can't even begin to understand. Our President justifies his actions by sending minor officials to attend the funerals of other people’s children and continues to play war games in an Ivory Tower drenched with honorable men's blood and draped with a White House web of Lies.

We placate ourselves with Disaster Relief plans and Community Drills when the truth is the infrastructure, the resources and the capable manpower is so inadequate for just every day use, that should a disaster befall us, our best option would be to become flexible enough to be able to bend over and kiss our own asses good-bye.

Our President fiddles while Washington burns, and we just stand around and tap our toes to the American Idol music.

I want my country back. But I'm afraid it's too late.
All I can do is stand there and watch us circle the damn drain.

6-6-06

2006-06-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I finally managed to put together a blurby piece of writing on Wrath. The deadly sin delegated to me by Nukie. It's just that I've been so busy. I'm in "summer school" taking Chemistry of all things. Great subject, Chemistry. Too bad I have to "get a grade" in it. All this grading stuff really dampens one's enthusiasm for learning a subject doesn't it?

The illustration above is my new desktop background. Isn't is cute? It's a penguin in a hot air balloon. I needed a change from Stonehenge.

Anyway, I see the Dem's can be as corrupt and stupid as the GOP. What's with Patrick Kennedy and his boozing problem? Ah well, I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree now does it. At least he didn't drown anybody.

And that joker William Jefferson - $90,000 cash in the freezer. Jesus, how drug dealerish is that?

I don't know why the kids even bother going to school in June. Between the field trips, the theme parties and the plays I can see why the US schools have fallen to 24th on the list. Christ Almighty.

The little one is in a play today. She tells me on Thursday night at 9 PM as I'm getting her out of the tub, that she needs a DOG COSTUME for her play rehersal IN THE MORNING!?! Shit. Talk about wrathiness...so out we go to the only godforsaken place open at 9 PM that will have brown felt and it's not my favorite place - you guessed it WALMART or SPRAWLMART that bane of suburbia and wrecker of the decent paying job market. I hate spending money in WALMART. So I was up until 2 AM making a freaking dog costume. I'll remind her of all this someday.
But it really turned out cute...although the stitching was a little large because I was pretty cross-eyed by that point.

The bigger Ham Junior had her (one of THREE!!!) dance recitals at Fantasy Island ( a local amusement park) on Memorial Day. God, it was hot as Hades and I got sunburned. Now I'm peeling. Yuk. Very unattractive let me tell ya. The next 2 recitals are at UB's Center for the Arts. This multiple recital thing really blows. It's cute the first time but Jesus.... And her outfit is SKIMPY!! So this is where it all starts I guess. I could practically fit the whole damn thing in a sandwitch baggie. (I posted a little story on just that subject on Dribbles. The names have been changed to protect the innocent...or something like that).

So today is 6/6/06. I guess people are a little freaked about it. Stupid. If they want to get freaked about something they should look at who's sitting behind the big shiny desk in the Oval office. Now that's something to get freaked about. Remember when everyone thought Ronald Reagan was the antichrist? Well, he had nothing on Georgie Boy. I'd take the Alzheimered old guy any day compared to this fool...and that is sure saying something.

Well, I'm happy to report that the Sunrocket VoIP phone is a success. My old phone number should be transferred by Friday and I can kiss Verizon good-bye. One of my patients at work told me that the GAS COMPANY (Evil Bastards) charges $2.00 a month to bill me. So, I looked on my bill and sure enough they do. What fuckers. Those people have 5000 ways to screw ya. That's another company that I'd like to kiss good-bye. A guy I knew who was an engineer told me the gas company has a subsidiary company that supplies fuel at a lower rate, so I'm checking into that.

Today is Grievance Day at the Town Assessment Department. I'm going to go and grieve my ridiculously hiked up new property assessment. Good luck with that racket, right. Yeah, I know but I have to get out some of my wrath about it. (LOL) Another set of evil fuckers. Goddam Tax Assessors....

I just hope that Dante's Inferno is somewhat descriptively true. Maybe there will be a special level of Hell for all these people. (Insurance Adjusters can be included in there too)

So I'll catch up later.

-Wrathy Ham

$%#@^&*!!!!

2006-06-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Of all the “Seven Deadly Sins”, Wrath is the one that applies to me. I don’t know if it has anything to do with being Italian or not, but I have a temper that - when hit just right - can flare up like a match and flash fry an egg. (My first apartment had a few glass fragments permanently imbedded in the wall above the sink – and it was not “art”.)

But, what I really don’t understand is, why is Wrath a sin? I mean, if we are made in God’s image, and if we have to contend with the Wrath of God, then what gives? God can be wrathful but I can’t? I mean no disrespect here (I’m throwing that in so I don’t get a lightening bolt to the keister) and I can fully dig the principle that “rank hath its privileges” but I’d like to submit a comment in the Divine Complaint Department.

I looked up the definition of wrath in the Webster’s and came up with this:

Wrath (rath) n. 1, fierce anger, rage 2, vengeance

So, I know somewhere it says “Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.” So I’m willing to compromise. The Lord can have the vengeance part, and I’ll just keep the fierce anger and rage part. I’ll even save the rage part for PMS days and use the regular old fierce anger part for everyday use! I think that’s fair.

Really now, it’s not like wrath doesn’t get used. Right off the top of my head, I know we have “The Grapes of Wrath” and we have “The Wrath of Khan”. Geez. Grapes get to be wrathy but I can’t? And who is this Khan anyway? What makes him so special? I can see a case being made for the other five and one-half being sins (that Lust one….really now, what’s the big deal? Unless you’re Jimmy Carter, Lust Shmust. Who cares?) Greed, Sloth, Envy, Pride and Gluttony I can see those being deadly. I mean who wants to deal with a greedy, lazy, envious, prideful glutton??

But anger? Why don't we replace that with something really sinful. How’s about STUPIDITY?

Yeah. If we made Stupidity a sin then maybe us wrathful people wouldn’t get so angry.

And what about INCOMPETENCE or WHININESS? Yeah, now we’re talking. Let’s make Stupidity, Incompetence and Whininess all sins and we wrathful people would be a whole lot less wrathful. Then there's also SLOBBINESS? Let’s add Slobs to the list, too. While we’re at it lets add PEOPLE WHO ARE AS SLOW AS DEAD TURTLES to the list. I know they really burn my ass on a good day.

Personally, I think the list of Seven needs revising. It’s too out dated for one thing, and it really could use some clarification. For example, I prefer to think of wrath as just plain old justifiable anger considering all the irritating people and circumstances that are out there; and we haven’t even discussed computers. How can we have a world with computers in it and not expect a little wrath every now and then? It’s just not possible. I’m just surprised computercide isn’t number one on the list of reasons why people need to go out and buy another one. In fact, I think every computer should come supplied with it's own baseball bat. The point is “Wrathlessness” is a Utopian concept, right up there with “Sharing” and “Forgiveness”. It goes against genetic programming. We don’t want to share, we don’t want to forgive and we get "wrathy". Is wrath a worse ill than stupidity, incompetance or whining? Something that's worthy of being classified a deadly sin? Who knows. I do know it's tough on the dinnerware from time to time. I guess the bottom line is I'm not Mother Teresa. So, sue me.

Justice...Texas style

2006-05-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well I was happy to hear former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling finally got their due.

It seems Ken Lay was a little surprised, apparently he thought his money and influence meant that he could get away with major theft and fraud. Who does he think he is, Dick Cheney?

According to Reuters:

Lay used his and the company's money to gain political power by donating heavily to candidates, particularly Republicans and especially the Bush family.

He was the biggest donor to President George W. Bush, who before the Enron scandal referred to him warmly as "Kenny Boy."

The story in Reuters quoted:

After the verdict Lay stood with his family members gathered around him and weeping loudly. Lay had no tears and tried to console them, saying, "God's got another plan right now."

Lay, 64, the son of a preacher, then clasped hands with them as they stood in a circle to pray. "We'll all come through this stronger and more reliant on God," he told them.

Uh, yeah "Kenny Boy" God does have another plan for you right now. It's called "prison".

Apparently Jeffy had some trouble with the verdict too. Reuters quoted him as saying:

"I think we fought a good fight but some things work and some things don't," he said. "Obviously I am disappointed but that is the way the system works."

Oh, of course! The system is supposed to reward theft, fraud and perjury, not punish it! How silly of us all to expect you to pay for your crimes like a common criminal, when your special. You're a corporate criminal.

No amount of jail time can make up for all the lives they've destroyed with their ruthless and calloused greed.

Here's to Ken and Jeff's new roommates! Have fun fella's!!

Hamby

Happy Birthday Wakanukie!

2006-05-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

Here's Waka as a baby. Gosh darn he's so cute.

Happy Birthday Waka. You were always Mom's favorite.

Hammy

It's Here!!

2006-05-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well the "new arrival" is finally here and it's...a Sunrocket!

I, ahem...I'm all done with the other kind of new arrivals.

In case you don't know what a Sunrocket is, it's a new internet phone company. I guess it's like Vonage only they don't have the same (annoying) "catchy" little jingle and they don't seem to advertise on the Boob Tube as much.

It's so simple even the technically challenged Ham-meister could connect it.
And if it lets me give my greedy evil phone company Verizon the boot, then I'll be even happier.
So far it seems pretty good. The voice quality is very clear. (Honestly, I haven't noticed any difference) And the best part is the price. $199 a year for unlimited calling in the US, Canada and Puert Rico (if I ever get a yen to call Puerto Rico).

I have to wait until my telephone number is transferred over to give Verizon the Heave Ho.
Speaking of Ho's...my "Freedom Essentials" plan with Verizon works like this:

Verizon "Freedom Essentials" Plan $39.95

Other Ways to Fuck You:
USF - Long distance $1.23
Surcharge(s) $1.24
Federal Tax $1.24
NYS Tax/Local Tax $3.40
FCC Line Charge $6.40
Federal USF Surcharge $0.73
Surcharges(s) $0.22
911 Surcharge $0.35
Federal Tax $0.22
NYS/Local Tax $0.61

Total of extra Bullshit $15.64

REAL cost of doing business with Verizon $55.59

Now you see why I want to add them to the long list of "Companies I Can't Wait to Screw Back?"

I checked out Sunrocket before I turned over my credit card number and it seems the company is run by Lisa Hook, who used to run AOL's broadband division and grew them up from a mere 300,000 subscribers to over 5 million in two years. Apparently she came out of retirement to run this company.
They've had write ups in the major papers and Money Magazine, Forbes and the Techie mags as well.
But I like to go "to the source" so when the cable dude came over to repair the damage created by the furry little bastards also known as "tree rats" , I asked him about internet phone companies and he said "Thumbs Up!". All that was good enough for me.

So for a FLAT FEE of $199 a year (they also have monthly $9.95 option for 200 minutes a month which apparently includes international calls as well...if ya ever get a hankering to call Iraq, Iran or Afghanastan to find out what's really going on over there....) which INCLUDES ALL TAXES, SURCHARGES and BUTT FUCKS WITH OR WITHOUT VASALINE you too can give your greedy evil phone company the HEAVE HO.

Check them out at sunrocket.com The cable dude told me that some of those left brain thinkers at work had switched from Vonage (which I have never tried and can't vouch for either way) to Sunrocket and liked it better. So, if you have tried Vonage and didn't like it for some reason, I can assure you this Sunrocket deal smokes, and the voice quality is no different.

So give the Ho a Heave, and save some real bucks in the process.
And it will make you more Tech saavy! Didja notice there are TWO links in this post, huh, didja???! Well...there ya go.

Hammy

Happy Tuesday

2006-05-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my last blog post was Thursday?!? Gee-sus. Where does the time go.
Rockdog sent me an e-mail that I thought was too good not to post so here it is:

TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER FOR 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one dies.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 -

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America... but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

I kinda agree with that last one there....

Happy Tuesday!

Hammy

The Letter "L"

2006-05-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Ok. This is the letter Kimmy gave me. The idea of this is to think of 10 words that begin with this letter that have meaning to you in your life.

Licorice - This is one of my favorite candies (next to chocolate of course) but it has to be black licorice...none of that funny red stuff.

Love - I love love. I love love in theory. (It's the actual practice part that I have trouble with.)

Lazy - I am inherently lazy, but my bank account keeps me working...

Leather - One of my favorite smells. (Lets just leave it at that).

Lake - I'm a Cancer, so any sizeable body of water is necessary and appreciated in my life.

Liberal - Well, I'm loathe to label myself, but I suppose I tend to lean a bit this way. LOL...just a bit. (Less than you'd think).

Loophole - Something I am always looking for.

Lemon/Lemonade - One of my favorite colors, and one of my favorite drinks.

Literature - Something I cannot possibly live without.

Lavendar - My favorite flower and perfume.

Ok. That's it.
L shaped Hammy

Destructive Little Bastards!!!

2006-05-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

I got this image off of a "squirrel lovers" website. I am not much of a squirrel lover, even on a good day, but today these rats with bushy tails are just plain "destructive little bastards".

I haven't been able to get on the internet this week, except for a few minutes here and there. I think I visited a blog or two before getting frozen up. I couldn't figure out what the problem was so I called Nukie first and then the cable company. Well, Nukie wasn't too much help, but he was on his way out the door - so I'll cut him some slack. Wakanukie was busy trying to hide all Archie's excess dirt (long story) in various places on my property, so he was no help either. But it turned out to be a major squirrel problem. The destructive little bastards damn near ate through the cable line. But I got a new modem out of the deal - so I guess I can't complain too much.

Anyway, I have to tell you the story of Ham Jr. #1 First Communion. Just about everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, but it ended up being OK in the end.

First, the ex-Mr. Ham was being a tightwad and he didn't want to pay for a big after church breakfast, so I decided we could do a small after churchy breakfast and then have everyone else over for roast beef, potato salad and cake. Good plan, right? So I dutifully trudge to the store to get the stuff for the spread and take the two Ham Juniors with me. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was thinking "Oh, well, now that I'm here I should just do some grocery shopping." Bad idea. First of all the two Ham Juniors had me so distracted with their Ham Juniorish bullshit that I could barely remember where I was, much less why I was there. Secondly, I had so much other crap in the cart that I couldn't focus on what few items I actually NEEDED to buy. Needless to say, I got home and realized I had forgotten the little one's tights. (She goes through tights like kleenex) No problem, I thought. I'll run over and buy the tights as Edith is cutting the girls hair. (They both needed haircuts as they were looking like 60's leftovers) Before I could shuffle them over to grandma's house the phone rings and it's Edith telling me she's over Wakanukies house watching his kids because he has FOOD POISONING from ARBY'S! I told her she was going to be there until 3 AM waiting for him to come back from the ER. And...I was right. So THE MORNING OF the First Communion the little one still had to get tights, Edith had to cut the girls hair (Edith and Archie were pretty much running on no sleep at this point) and I concentrated on trying to get the girls showered and dressed and get us all to the church on time.

Well, I was concentrating on Ham Junior #1's dress and veil and shoes and tights and gloves and all the rest of it, so much, that I forgot to see if the little one had DRESS SHOES THAT FIT. Well, she didn't. At this point we had half an hour until we had to leave and I still wasn't dressed. (Mom is always the last...) So we ended up with a pair that technically fit, but whose velcro had worn off on one shoe, so that everytime she walked her shoe fell off. Not good. She shuffled through the whole morning. It was pathetic.

Once we finally got out of the church and headed to Perkins for "breakfast" it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon! We got out of there (stuffed to the gills) at 3:50 and everyone was supposed to come over at 4:00 to eat again! Well, not even I could manage that, so I called Mrs. Nukie and told them to come around 6:00 PM. Wakanukie was home in bed (besides I really didn't think he'd be up for another roast beef sandwitch...ahem.) So his representatives were told to come later.

Once we hit the door at home, the little one headed to the garbage and threw her shoes right out. It actually was rather funny...and totally justified I assure you. Ham Junior #1 looked beautiful. Father Jerry was very enthusiastic and it was a rather nice mass inspite of it's length. But most important Ham Junior #1 learned a valuable lesson: Nothing ever turns out as expected and there is no such thing as a perfect day, so just roll with it and do the best you can.

Now...where is my squirrel hunting gun....

Hammy

P.S. Tomorrow is my last exam of the semester...wish me luck.

One for the Hamster

2006-05-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my lab practicum Monday in "Horrible Hettie's" class.
The guy that I asked to be my "patient" was two minutes late. That was the longest two minutes of my life.
My stomach was just doing flips. I thought Hettie was going to say I couldn't take the exam.
Out of the nine possible test examination areas we drew the card for ENT (eyes, ears, nose, throat) so lucky for me my new "toys" (otoscope and opthalmascope) came in handy.
I guess it was worth all that practice on the kids. (Me: "Come here and let me look in your ears."
Ham Junior: "Mom!!" Me: "Just stand still for heavens sake...")

So, she posted the grades yesterday and....I got 100.
I kept staring at the grade and thinking something must be wrong. Like it was really a ten or a zero or something. But it really and truly was 100.

She had told the class a few weeks ago, that in the entire history of the class a few people had managed to get 100. She said it was possible, but that it was really rare.

I walked around most of the day in semi-shock. Every once in a while I would think, "I can't believe I got 100." I kept checking the grade to see if it was changed, but it's still there...and still 100.

I think about 1/3 of the class is going to end up failing this semester. (Last semester it was 25%)

She had such a funny look on her face when I left. I really didn't know what to think. It wasn't that I thought I did that well. I chattered like a Myna bird through the entire exam. I was so nervous being watched and taped on camera that It seemed I couldn't shut up. Well, I talk to my patients anyway...but I usually don't chatter like a Myna bird....

I called one of the other nurses I work with who is also in that class. She said she got an 83. For some reason I couldn't tell her I got 100. I told her that (and I quote) "I did OK. I passed."
Sigh. Sometimes it's really hard to do really well, because it seems like you can't tell anyone about it.

So there is still the written final left. In the meantime I'm allowing myself to decompress and NOT study for a few days.

Meanwhile Ditzy Dora's class is over. I scooped an A+ in her class, although the "official version" hasn't been posted yet, I calculated my total from the posted grades.

Yesterday was a good day.

I guess every once in a while I get one.

Hammy

Unfortunately, The Wrong People Die.

2006-05-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

With very little notice or fanfare a great man passed away on Saturday April 29th.
John Kenneth Galbraith was a Canadian-Born economist and professor at Harvard University.
He was considered by many to be a "Liberal Thinker". Which is the Conservatives way of trying to discredit somebody, so that no one else will listen to what it is they have to say.

So what was Galbraith saying that upset Conservatives so much?
In a well known book entitled "The Affluent Society" (1958) Galbraith stated that the "free market system" in the United States was creating great personal wealth at the expense of society. He challanged that the system was sacrificing public needs such as schools and highways. (Can you say Walmart?)

He never shied away from the "label" of "Liberal" and was famous for quotes that cut to the heart of the issue at hand.

I find it interesting that when a person is labeled a liberal what usually accompanies that term is the word thinker. When a person is called a "Conservative", you don't usually see the word "thinker" after that term. The key word isn't Liberal, but Thinker.

And so, there it is, the sad passing of another very insightful man who said almost 50 years ago what was going to happen to this country, and unfortunately he was right.

Quotes by Galbraith to live by: (or just to get you thinking)

"Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness."

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking."

"Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory."

A man like Galbraith is worth 100 George Bushes.

Hammy.

"We interrupt this program for an important announcement..."

2006-04-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I have a bit of an announcement to make. I decided to create a new blog. I tend to like to tell loooong stories and this blog doesn't always work well for those occasions. I decided to save this blog as the Bitch and Moan blog. LOL.

So, the new blog is named Onion Dribbles. It's been coming for a while, but this childhood neighborhood story thing that I posted the past few days just pushed it over the edge. The story didn't flow as well being all chopped up into parts. It was...kind of disjointed and a pain in the ass to read. LOL. So I deleted it all (no Kimmy, you haven't gone crazy) and re-posted it as my first story on Onion Dribbles. This way, if your in the mood to read a long story of whatever may tumble out of my head (or my ass depending on the critic) then Onion Dribbles is the place for you!

There is one caveat though. I still only have the same amount of time/energy/bitching potential etc. so I may elect to post a story on the other blog rather than post something on this one. But I think it will work out better in the long run.

Just do me a favor. If you read it give me some creative feedback. If it's good/bad/sucks the big one then let me know. I'm really interested in what people think of the writing quality of the story. And...just like I have hopes for this blog (which is to make people think about things) my
hopes for the other blog is that you'll be entertained from a birds eye (or bird brained) view of my life.

Hammy

The Ultimate Recycling

2006-04-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while something really strange and unexplainable happens to me. Sometimes it's kind of supernatural, sometimes it's more like a "religious experience" and other times I just don't know what category to put it in. For example, one morning not that long ago NPR had a story on the anniversary of the liberation of one of the Nazi concentration camps. I was still half asleep and hit the snooze button, but then I started "dreaming". I was a young girl, about 12 or 13 years old and I was getting off a train with a lot of other women and girls. A woman that I knew to be my mother was being led away by two soldiers and I knew I was never going to see her again. My little sister who was about 7, was pulled out of line by another soldier and when I went to go to her a soldier off to my left let the leash out on a big German Shepard who lunged at me to keep me from going to her. There was all this chaos and noise, and women were being sorted out into different groups and sections. I was separated from my sister. I "remember" lying on a bare wood planked "bed" and looking down at this pile of - what was supposed to be food- and saying to some person sitting next to me that I wasn't going to eat that garbage. They asked me if they could have mine and I said yes and rolled over. I started to cry in the "dream" and woke up sobbing. For a few minutes I could "remember" everything.
I knew that my little sister had been named after my Aunt - who was my favorite Aunt. I knew we were born near the border of France. I knew that my father was missing and that we were not as well off financially as my mother wanted everyone to believe we were. I knew we were there because somebody had turned us in. I knew that my mother was put to death shortly after we arrived at the camp and that I was put into a labor pool. I knew that my little sister was put into one of the brothels. I woke up with the feel of that camp all over me. I could "remember" how it felt to go through each day and just do what you had to do. Thinking that if you didn't die there, then one day it would all come to an end. But not knowing which would happen first.

I had a terrible time shaking off that "dream" and that morning I couldn't stop crying. I ended up calling Queen Snarfetta at work because I had to talk to somebody about it.
I don't know what to make of that experience. I don't know what to think.
It's not the first time something like that has happened to me, but it was the strongest. I was so upset that I stayed home from my first class that morning. It took a few weeks to stop thinking about it all.

I have always been drawn to the Jewish faith. I have thought about converting many times over the years and I really don't know why. I have a Mezuzah inside my doorpost (although I put it on wrong. It's not diagonal, it's vertical, and I put it on with Gorilla glue and can't take it off now) and a Menorah on my bookshelf that I bought several years ago.
I have always thought that if reincarnation were true, then we would have more "evidence" to that effect. Yet, I don't rule it out entirely - because I don't have those kinds of answers. I don't know what to think sometimes.

Maybe it was just a dream...and maybe it wasn't.
What do you think?

Leftover Ham Dinner

Gotta laugh about it....

2006-04-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

PMS week, ya'll....( jes warnin' ya....)

2006-04-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I took the easy way out an just added Kimmy land to my miniscule link list. I was trying to avoid that because I felt bad about leaving out everyone else, but BubbaNukie's recent instability, coupled with my computer challenged brain has made it necessary...
So, I'll just piggy back around from her blog site....

So, I see I'm not the only one who is frustrated these days. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has finally thrown in the towel. Can't say I blame him, that whole speech about the Valerie Plume retribution leak not being a "real leak"...was a little pathetic even for the old Republican Spin Doctor himself.
Maybe he can save a shred of his credibility now.
I don't believe the bullshit their trying to spread about Karl Rove though....that slimy little toad monster will still have wads and wads of power and influence in the gray tinted Bushwacked White House.
Man, it's bad when the blow job guy looks good....come to think of it, he wasn't so bad after all, was he? Too bad his wife came across like such a bitch.

Well, gas prices have tricked over the $3.00 per gallon mark. On my way into job #2 I saw $3.19 per gallon. Bastards. Fucking evil greedy bastards! I say it's high time that all utility and power companies became not-for-profit! WTF! They are getting millions of tax breaks and billions of profit to fuck us up the ass royally, and that's a lot of shit in my book. Hurricanes my ass. Greed. Just plain old greed.

On the up side I have to say I loved FS5 post about the Wal-O-Caust campaign. No disrespect to the Holocaust victims, but man, there is some justification there! Personally, the Hamster refuses to shop there. I won't support that shit. I'll pay a little more or buy a little less.
Say, did you know that Wal-O-Caust has 6 family members in the World's Billionaire List? Each with a total of about $15-20 Billion in personal fortunes to their name. That's pretty damn good considering most of their employees can qualify for Medicaid....even some of the full-time workers. Nice. Very Nice.

So, King George is finding out it isn't so easy to keep the serf's down. Those Mexican's are really rallying for their rights as illegal alien citizens aren't they? Too bad I can't buy the fruit picker argument - especially when I know they are mainly working in textile mills, construction jobs, cleaning companies and furniture manufacturing jobs. The only problem is once they get "legal" and start demanding a "fair wage" they'll be pushed aside like everyone else in a low wage job and the next wave of illegals will take their place. That's OK, then they can just go on welfare and get Medicaid and free school lunches. Why not? It's becoming the "American Way" as far as I can see. The sad thing, is with all the shit going on the Mexican's are the only ones marching in the gaddam street....we all should be!! Well, I've gotta say, they sure impressed me. Don't like it, don't agree with it, but they sure do have balls.....maybe they're the few "americans" who have any left.

One good thing is the Iraqi's seem to be so busy killing each other, that they seem to be leaving the G.I.'s alone. Fucking laughable in a way. Maybe we can dress Saddam up as a Kurd and both the Shiites and the Sunni's will blast his ass for us....save us the necessity of dealing with the rest of this kangaroo court.

On the up side Oprah is getting involved with the deplorable state of the education in the US. So is Bill Gates. Time Magazine and the Oprah show teamed up to do an expose on the rotten condition some of these schools are really in. For example one school in Chicago had a pool that hadn't seen water in 10 years, a music department with no instruments, a gym with a leaking ceiling and no useable equipment while its suburban counterpart had a cardio room, TWO Olympic sized swimming pools, an award winning music program and....well, you get the idea. The school an hour away from the White House looked like it needed to be condemned. After the Time Magazine/Oprah show aired the district found $10 million dollars to appropriate for repairs. Remind me, again? Why do we have politicians???

Maybe Oprah can add Education Secretary to the list of things she should be doing in government, along with FEMA director, and President of the United States.

Really hard not to be disgusted. What has happened to this country?

Ham

Just a Funny.....

2006-04-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

The magician and the parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Because the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks repeatedly.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said,
......

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**kin' ship?"

I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree

2006-04-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well I was up until 4 am but I managed to write both my final paper and a powerpoint presentation for Ditzy Dora's class. I even dragged my tired butt to the gym this morning....although I was sure yawning a lot during my workout.

On the way home it started to rain, so I rolled down the window of "the old girl" just to smell that great smell of ozone or whatever it is that makes that after the rain smell. I just love it.

With those two big projects off my back I can finally feel myself relaxing a little. Well, at least I don't feel like I'm drowning quite as much as I did last week.

So an odd thing happened in Horrible Hettie's class this week. She asked me if I had applied to the Master's program yet, which I haven't. I felt like saying, "I'm holding on to my ass with both hands here...do ya mind if I take care of this semester first???" But I didn't....I just said I hadn't applied yet. So she said to me, "Well, I'll be happy to write you a letter of recommendation." Ya coulda knocked me over with a feather.....will wonders never cease?!?

The semester is rolling to a close. I did get the otoscope and the opthalmascope in the mail from the EBay guy, and everything was A-OK. He even threw in the set of tuning forks and the reflex hammer. So, I'll be practicing on the Little Hams to warm up for my Lab Practicum.

Since I was so productive last night/this morning I'm letting myself just chill out a little. Maybe it's the rain, but I love this weather. I love seeing the grass turning bright green and hearing the little birds chirping. Spring is just an awesome season. This is where I see God all around me. The church of the great outdoors. Just the simplest things are so incredible - the crocuses and the daffodils that the former owner planted are springing up in the lawn and on the side of the house. So I'm benefitting from her green thumb.

I think the next project will be to get that blog roll thing going so I don't have to keep counting on piggybacking off NukieBubba and Kimmys blog lists. Oh....I'm just not a left brain thinker!!! I'm tired just thinking about it. But I miss ya'll. It's funny how that happens. Relationships pop up in the oddest places and in the strangest ways. I found myself thinking about Kimmy as I was throwing in a load of laundry. Someone I have never met but I know so many things about her and her family. Then I thought I wonder where Jeff was? On vacation, or travelling for work? And then I thought about WDKY and wondered how things were going with his daughter. Just funny little things that pop into your head.

I need to get the kids Easter Candy! I was waiting until the last minute so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding it for more than a day. I don't know if starting that whole Easter Bunny thing was a good idea or not. I'm raising the kids R.C., so I make sure that they understand the real meaning of the holiday, but somehow the Easter Bunny got started....
I remember when we were kids Edith used to hide those little chocolate eggs all over the house. There was a coin under each one depending on what color the foil was. Most eggs were worth a nickel, but the flowered foil eggs were worth .15 cents and the gold foil eggs were worth a quarter. Poor Wakanukie was the littlest one so....well, he didn't usually make out as well as Bubbanukie and I did. I always went for the big front window...there usually was one in each corner so I usually scooped 4 eggs right off the bat. Sometimes Nuke would slip in there and grab the eggs on the other window before I did. Well, all's fair in love and war and Easter egg hunting. I'll be working this week-end so I hope ya'll have a nice Easter if ya celebrate and a nice spring week-end if ya don't celebrate.

Easter Hammy

Oh, Reeeeallly???

2006-04-12T05:06:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing happened this morning, as I was (attempting) to get the little Hams off to school. The cartoon they were watching showed one of the characters driving with his feet. One of the little Ham-meisters said, "Uncle Wakanukie can drive with his knees!!!" And I said, "Oh reeeeallly??? And what eeeeelse can Uncle Wakanukie doooo?" (Yeah, just let Aunt Hammy try driving the kids around with her knees and see what would happen then!)

Then, Nukie dumps his blog everytime I turn around. Geez. Ya know how hard it is for me to keep changing those little linky things???? Cryin' out loud. It's gonna take me all day to get to everyones blog. As far as Hammy is concerned HTML stands for HATE MAIL!! %&*^$#@*&^%$#@!!!!!! At least you could VOLUNTEER to COME OVER and SET UP MY BLOG ROLL...there....Bubba....

Shit, I hope the little buggers don't find my blog. I'd have to chip in for counseling.....
I can just hear Archie now, "That' what ya get for being so Labial with those gaddam kids!"
Hamrose: "Uh....ya mean Liberal?"
Archie: "Yeah, that's what I said....Labial."
Hamrose: "Uh....yeah."

See Ya Later (if..... I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET TO EVERYONE - THANKS VERY MUCH CHILD OF former NUKIE)

P.S. What exactly is it with the 310??? Yer so skinny, it sure ain't yer weight!

Hammy

Yes, but is it art??

2006-04-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

On the lighter side....look what some people can do with a watermelon and a knife!

Not to mention an egg and a laser......

Thanks to Rockdog for sending these my way. I love the eggs.

Ham-N-Eggs

Monkey In The White House

2006-04-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

My God! Darwin was right!!

Gotta love it, gotta love it...

Hammy

I'm Fried!!

2006-04-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't think it's possible to pack one single thing more into my days.
I don't even know where the times goes sometimes!

This week has been hell. I had a huge exam in Horrible Hetties class on Monday. I didn't get to study anywhere near as much as I wanted to, and on top of it, the weather sucked that day. It poured a soaking freezing cold rain. By the time I made it over to the building my class was in, I was drenched, and then had to sit and take an exam not only in class, but afterward in lab, so I was stuck there for 5 hours in soaked clothes. As WDKY would say, "Fuck Me!"

So, I ended up with a B+ which looked great compared to the class average. (This is the class where 25% of the people failed last semester and are repeating it). The really weird thing about the lab is that we are all in about 10 different exam rooms that have camera's and microphones in them so she can watch how we're doing. It unnerves the hell out of me. I can't do something when I know someone is watching me! It's just too weird. Needless to say, I better get over that fast...she doesn't take any prisoners!

I bid on (and won the bid) on an opthalmascope/otoscope set on Ebay. I'm really nervous about it, because I've never bought anything on Ebay before. It looks like a really nice set, and it was a good deal (considering what they run brand new) but it feels uncomfortable paying upfront for something that someone is going to send me in the mail. I don't even know this person. I hope it works out all right.

So, I've been working at my 2nd job. It's at a small...SMALL..rural hospital outside the city. Jesus, it reminds me of Green Acres. (Remember that show??) I think I'll be working between the ER and the ICU. Which is fine with me. I am so pissed at that credit card company, that I'm going to pay that card off and cut the fucker up. That's my goal. (I forgot to mail the bill, and sent it 2 days late. They slapped a huge late fee on it, and hiked up the interest rate! Bastards!!)

I went to see a psychic on Tuesday. Remember I mentioned that psychic who told me to go back to school, the one that reminded me of a jacked up Whoopie Goldberg? Well, I saw her Tuesday, and it was very interesting. It was a mix of good and bad news. Which is something she has never done before. She told me to get rid of my car. She said it's a lemon, which it is. She also told me to sign my oldest daughter up for soccer this summer. I made a joke about, "Oh, no! Don't tell me I'll be one of those Soccer Mom's!" She said, "Soccer Mom's meet Soccer Dad's." That put a whole nuther spin on it...yes, it did. She also told me I need to work things out with my ex-ham. She said there's too much anger left over, and that will make it very hard for me to connect with someone else. She said I should invite him to dinner. LOL. She also said that there is a problem with someone stealing narcotics where I work! She said it was more than one nurse. She told me if I happen to see anything, not to try to intervene - to stay out of it, and to just write down what I saw and pass it on. Pretty weird, huh? She also said I would be getting a phone call from someone I haven't heard from in a very long time, and that it would either be a beginning or an ending. (!!!) She told me that I need to give more to charity, and include the kids in that process. She said they need to see charity in action - that we as a family should pick something every month and give to that particular charity. She also told me she saw a funeral. I was surprised she said that, but then she also told me that she felt I had a feeling something was going to happen, and I told her that was true. I've felt like something was going to happen for a few months now. She said that there was nothing I could do to prepare for it or prevent it, and that she couldn't elaborate on it, but that the person was "ready to go". She also said it wasn't who I was thinking it was. She told me that there was a jealous woman around me. (And she also said it wasn't who I thought it was on that as well...) And she told me that I needed to watch my gallbladder. (Which has been acting up lately). And a few other little things. So, all in all it was pretty interesting.

So that was my wacky week. Now, I'm going to check on ya all....

C U Later....

Hammy

Nose Stories

2006-04-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

We had a kid in the ER with a bead up her nose.
Of course it was hell for everyone concerned....(believe me!)
But it reminded me of the time our "other brother" stuck a bean up his nose.
Remember that game, "Don't spill the Beans" ? Well, we had that game. In fact we had just about every game ever made by Milton Bradley or Parker Brothers. One time, our youngest brother stuck one of the beans up his nose and my mother had to take him to the ER to get it out. I think he actually did that twice. All I know is my mother made that game pretty much disappear after that. It seemed to me that either Nukie or the "other brother" was always going to the ER for something or another....

My Aunt Mary (Edith's Sister) lived about four houses down from us when we were growing up.
I always used to hang around with my cousin because we were only a year apart. Sometimes I would go to church with my Aunt and Cousin and sometimes my Cousin would come to church with us. I wasn't particularly well behaved in church (if ya can believe that....) mostly because I was bored and squirmy. So, I would do things to make my Cousin laugh. I used to have this little white straw hat, with a black ribbon, and piles of flowers stuck all around the brim. There used to be these little yellow fuzz balls strategically placed in among the flowers. I used to pick them off the hat and stick them in my nostrils and look over at my cousin when Archie wasn't paying attention or was falling asleep in church; which he did a lot. She'd laugh her ass off, and I would hurry up and pull them out of there and try to look innocent...which was hard to do even back then. Archie could never catch me doing anything, but he always knew it was me. That was one of my favorite things to do. I eventually picked all the fuzz balls off the hat, but it was worth it. She'd always laugh at that - without fail. Whenever I think about it now, it makes me laugh just to think about what a little ballbuster I was...hm-mm-mm...not much has changed there, huh?

Funny memories.

Hamby Pamby

Hap-pee Birth-Day!!

2006-03-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

"I just want to say, "Happy Birthday, Kimmy!" from Me and Laura!"
"We all just love ya, an' read the blog everyday."

Oh, Waiter!

2006-03-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

Did ya ever just wake up one day and say to yourself, “This isn’t the life I had planned!”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just return it, like a mistaken plate of food?

Me: “Oh, Waiter! This wasn’t the life I ordered. I asked for The Life-O-Ease special sprinkled with good fortune, just a hint of fame and a side dish of Cabana Boys to Spare.”
Waiter: “I’m so sorry madam, but we are all out of that dish. We do have the Way to Marital Misery Wrap with huge chunks of Attorney Fee’s, smeared with large dollops of aged Regret and Dysfunction. It comes with a side dish of Sorrows and tall glass of your choice of Alcoholic Beverage to drown them in. We also have the ever popular Hell in a Handbasket, piled high with crisp chunks of Deep-fried Fast-Lane foods, an all-you-can-eat Illicit Substances Salad Bar and a bottomless bowl of Therapy and Rehab on the side.

May I suggest the Dis-Ease of the month dessert to go along with that?”

Me: “No thank you - I’ve had that dish before. I guess I’ll just keep the Long and Rocky Road roast with the side of Occasional Mild Mishap and Muddles noodles with Cheese, and the Little Bit-O-This and That Salad with the House Full of Kids and Italian family dressing on the side.”

Waiter: “Very Good, Madam.

Me: “And for dessert, I think I’ll have the Spicy Affair Sizzle for two.”

Waiter: “I’m so sorry Madam; we are all out of that as well.”

Me: “Then I guess I’ll have the Bland as Rice Pudding…for one, please.”

Or maybe, we could take a life out for a celestial test drive before we agree to buy it.

Me: “I’m in the market for a new life. Do you have anything you could show me?”

St. Peter: “Oh, we have some great models to choose from; over here for example. This little number is a bit racy, a European model, so you have to be careful once you get past third gear. Needs frequent clutch replacement and brake pads but its one fast ride. If you don’t watch the tank you’ll run out of gas before thirty. You may need to change the transmission by forty, that’s one of the biggest complaints we get. But it’s nothing a good plastic surgeon can’t fix. Oh yeah, one more thing – the male version of this life is not a good match - comes in red or light blue.”

Me: “Do you have anything a little slower?”

St. Pete: “Well, we do have this plain little two door sedan. We don’t get a lot of call for it though. Generally goes about an easy 100,000 but you’ve got to keep it under 80 and have the tires rotated regularly with the oil changes. Steady as they come though – very reliable. Only color it comes in is Black.”

Me: “Well, don’t you have something in the middle? You know - something that will get a lot of mileage but has a little pizzazz to it!”

St. Pete: “Oh, those are our most popular versions. We always have a backlog on those models. Right now estimated time of delivery is at least six months to a year. And if you want pin stripes you’ll have to add three weeks on to that time. Comes with leather interior though, and a really flashy hood ornament. You can get it in any color you want.”

Me: (Sigh) “Well, I really need something right now! Don’t you have anything else??”

St. Pete: “Well, let me have a look around. We did have one of those VW buses hanging around. It’s a not a luxury vehicle but it does get some decent mileage, and it has a tendency to take you to some far out places. Lots of room to grow in it, and its accommodating to frequent changes without too much repair work. I’ve been told by former owners that its one long strange trip. They’re not for everyone, but I guarantee you, you won’t be bored, and we do have a couple in stock now. Only color it comes in is a mixture called “Vivid”, seems to be viewed differently by everyone who sees it.”

Me: (Sigh) “OK. I’ll take it.”

St. Pete: “I’ll get you the keys.”

Me: “Oh Pete!”

St. Pete: “Yeah?”

Me: “Just remind me about all this when I come to turn it in.”

Pete: “Sure thing.”

- Ham Bone

Justa Sittin' Ana Thinkin'

2006-03-28T05:11:00.003-08:00

OK. I just wanted an excuse to use this photo...but I really am just sitting here thinking...

So, it's a fine Tuesday morning. George Bush is still an asshole. Is it just me, or does it seem like the Republicans are putting Bill Frist out in front and even up against George? I think the 2008 elections are going to be between him and Billary....unless the Democrats pull another candidate out of their ass....if that's the case the White House will be home to another set of Republicans - because Hillary will never win. (Unless we have another rigged election.)

Anyway, enough of that shit...let's talk about me!
I just came off a 32 hour weekend in the ER....Ugh! Holy Shit was it nasty. I don't recommend it....but we had two sick calls...and I needed the dough....
I am determined to pay off that fucking credit card by the end of this year. I completely forgot to mail in the frigging bill and ended up mailing the gaddam payment in 2 days late and got whacked with a late fee and the rotten fuckers hiked up the percentage rate. Now I'm pissed.
As Bugs Bunny would say, "Of course you know, this means War."

I come home to find the kids running wild at Grandma's...no homework done...no baths...up late. Shit. Why wasn't she like this when she was my mother?? I felt like saying, "Who are you and what did you do with my mother?" So, I decided to teach the kids a lessson and sent them to school with their homework not finished and a note from Ms. Ham. Sometimes ya just gotta back the words up with a little action....(Sigh.)

On the up side, I loved reading everyones blogs. WDKY has a nice English accent....nice poem choice. Rumi is one of my favorites....Kimmy is funny and all cute at the same time as usual.....I liked Nukie's satire of my ever long but rather entertaining New York story....FS5 didn't have any porn, but a nice scathing political commentary nonetheless....LLF very entertaining in her dictorial way as usual also enjoyed her comment on the Ghost story! A real haunted house!.....Runningman had some...ahem...interesting military tales....Bad beans finally left a real dialog comment on the...oops...should I say it......(whisper) abortion post.....and it was nice to get a real and relatively non-sarcastic opinion on that subject. The longest comments I have ever gotten - or made for that matter....Who am I forgetting?? Oh, Jeff! No new post, but I sure liked his ghost story....very "String Theory" if I do say so myself..spooky.
Chuckster must have been out eating ice cream....or riding the bike.

At work, the big buzz was over 9/11. It seems there are a few closet conspiracy theorists in that bunch. Who da thunk it? I'll try to post the link for the video thingy that was being shown at work...but you know how technically impaired I am.... The upshot is they are saying the Pentagon was missled by....?......and it was not hit by a plane. Interesting video. Although it doesn't change anything. We're still in Iraq holding on to our asses with both hands.

........Besides...everyone knows the CIA did it.....

try this:

http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm#Main

I'm feeling the pressure this semester. These classes are tough. I'm hanging in there though.
But that's the reason why I haven't been around much. Unlike WDKY who hasn't been around for other "fun" reasons....

Well...I have to do a little work....so I'll check on yer blogs later tonight.
I missed ya'll.

Hamburger Helpered Hammy

Got Ghosts?

2006-03-23T05:28:00.000-08:00

I was cruising the TV last night, trying to chill out a little, when I came across a program called Ghost Hunters. It was actually pretty good. The premise of the show is that a team of people go into a reportedly haunted place and try to de-bunk it by using high tech equipment to see what they come across, if anything. Most of the time they don't find anything of consequence. Sometimes events are explained naturally, but every once in a while something really weird gets caught on tape or by Electronic Voice recorder.

I remember one time, I was about 12 years old, and was reading a book in the living room at our old house. I finished the book and when I closed the cover and looked up I saw something run and hide behind the chair. I was sure it was Nukie, because that was the kind of stuff we used to do to each other, so I went behind the chair to sneak up on him. When I did, the figure ran behind the couch - Nukie was skinny enough to do this back then- so I followed, too. When I did that, the figure ran out the room, so I followed too. I saw the figure run into my bedroom, so I was sure I had Nukie trapped, and figured when I caught him I would clobber him!

I swung around the doorframe - and standing in my room was a man dressed in knickers and a stripped black and white shirt, with a red scarf, like a bandana around his neck and a blue flat cap with brim on his head. I froze. The man smiled at me and put his hand up and waved and then disappeared. I ran like hell out of the house.

So anyone got any ghost stories??

Spooky Ham

Kvetching Up

2006-03-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

Warning: It's PMS week. And in Hammy's book PMS stands for "Play Mine Straight"

Jee-sus it's been a busy week. I can't believe my last post was a week ago. Well, it looks like the Capital Hill Numb-nuts are still going strong. We've now reached a spending total of $400 Billion in Iraq and $100 Billion for Katrina with very little to show for either one. How ironic that Oprah managed to do more for New Orleans with $10 million dollars than the Feds have done with thousand of times more money. Maybe Oprah should be the new head of FEMA.

We've also hit a record high in the Trade Deficit department and are now borrowing $2 Billion dollars daily from foreign countries to pay for it all. Thanks George.
Hm-mm, Come to think of it, maybe Oprah should run for President, too.

And South Dakota has decided to turn back the clock 30 years and make abortion illegal, in spite of a little thing called Roe v Wade.

Christ Almighty, maybe we need a major hurricane to run itself through the District of Columbia.

On the home front the Hams and I are trying to dodge bullet # 2 in the form of pinworms. (We successfully dodged the Head Lice bullet a few months ago). I just got the lovely call yesterday, "Oh, by the way, just wanted to let you know..." So I'm trying to avoid having to stick a piece of Scotch Tape on their anuses in the middle of the night by endlessly asking, "Your rear end isn't itching is it?? You'll let me know if it does right??" Until my eldest said this morning, "Mom, I'm going to lose my breakfast!" Poor kid, that's what she gets for having a mother with a cast iron stomach while possessing a weak stomach of her own....

In a surprise move yesterday Hettie the Horrible (my Physical Assessment Professor) told me she was happy to hear I was planning on enrolling in the Master's Program. She said (and I quote) "You have a good brain. You should put it to use." Um, ...thanks...I think? Invariably that left me wondering....ah, ....aren't I doing that already???

On the work front, we had another knock-down drag out in the nurses station. I shoulda known! My horoscope said that the Sun would be clashing with Pluto and the Moon was in Scorpio so (again I quote) "Avoid the temptation to lash out at others." I even said a little prayer to St. Anthony on my way in to work on Sunday. "Oh St. Anthony please let me keep my big mouth shut today and a lid on my temptuous temper." Alas. I was triggered. I decided to put the "episode" in another post. I did this for two reasons; one, it's an issue that is contentious as all hell and two, it's an issue that's important enough to deserve it's own space. (See the post below...if you dare!)

In other news, Ham Jr. #1 and I went shopping for her First Communion dress and regalia. $300 smackers later I was getting sweaty visions of her future wedding expenses. We still haven't bought the shoes yet. And of course, she wants a party afterward. I'm still trying to figure out how to weigh out the expense of a party outside the home vs. having my ex-hubbie inside my home for several hours. Shit these modern moral dilemmas!!

Well, hope ya'll had a good week. I need ta Ketchup on yer blogs....

Ham-ster-ini

Straight without a Chaser

2006-03-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post is about abortion. Contrary to popular believe this is not a “woman’s issue” is a humanity issue. You might not find this post cute, funny or pleasant reading, but it’s not meant to be.

Before I start I just want to present a few facts.

The “morning after pill” is NOT an abortion pill. If you are already pregnant you cannot take the pill. The “morning after pill” is just a double dose of birth control pills that are followed by another double dose of birth control pills 12 hours later. It doesn’t abort anything and needs to be taken within 24 – 72 hours after having unprotected or failed-birth-control sexual intercourse.

Prior to Roe v Wade in 1973, approximately 5000 women in the US per year died from illegal abortions. (figures are from the World Health Organization)

Approximately 219 women globally die from illegal abortions every single day, and illegal abortions are a leading cause of maternal death in poverty stricken South American women. (figures are from the World Health Organization)

This is the situation; about 1/2 of the ER staff (doctors as well as nurses) are divided over the issue of dispensing the "morning after pill". About 1/2 won't give it, that is, won't write the order, won't dispense it and won't administer the pills or the prescription. In essence, about ½ of the staff refuses to care for a woman or young lady who comes in for emergency contraception (this includes doctors as well as nurses). OK. I understand that and respect their views; however, I marched on Washington with a very large contingency of women and men, including Susan Sarandon, Cybil Shepard and Whoopi Goldberg, among many others that day, to preserve this right; and I'm not about to see it slip away in spite of that bastard George Bush and his ultra conservative cronies on the Supreme Court.

This is not the first time we have had this little "discussion" at work, but this time maybe it was the combination of people on that day, but it erupted big-time at the nurse’s station (which thank God is enclosed and relatively sound muffling). This time it was over a young girl who came in post St. Patrick's Day, which should pretty much explain it all. She was a beautiful girl; in fact she reminded me a lot of Nukie's middle child, just so pretty and gentle. My heart just ached for her. She was embarrassed and frightened and crying. It didn’t help that half the staff was treating her like a pariah. One of the nurses stood up and said she wasn't going to take care of her. And the PA refused to prescribe or dispense the pills. One of the doctors stood up and said, "Well I'll do it." and I stood up and said, "Give me that chart. I'll take care of her." The next thing I knew there were nurses speechifying, and some "looking up the policy" and others yelling and it just became a huge contentious battle.
I went at it pretty good with one of the nurses. The events were so "interesting" that the Pharmacy guy who was refilling our meds was moving mighty slow during the whole thing, and suddenly everyone in the ER seemed to have some business in the Nurses Station.

I hate seeing women pay the price for something both parties are doing. Hormones happen and that's just a fact. Sometimes things just get out of control. Christ Almighty. Yes, abortion sucks, and it would be a terrific and wonderful thing if it didn't exist, but nobody should be forced to bear a child - nobody. Asking for emergency contraception is somebody’s way of trying to prevent just that very thing.
And when people tell me things like, "Well, I want to be able to look my Maker in the eye..." I find myself saying things like, "Listen Sister! If God has "a few questions for me" let me tell ya, I sure as shit have a few for Him, too. And I'll be happy to look that bad boy in the eye, because I'm down here sloggin' away in the trenches, trying to do the best that I can under the circumstances, and if He doesn't like it then why doesn't He come down and give me a little fuckin' help once in a while!" (Slam!!)

Yee-ha.

And let me tell ya, I have "two dogs in the fight" as the saying goes. I have two daughters (not to mention five beautiful nieces) that I don't ever want to hear died from a desperate back alley abortion. Hormones happen, and they don't just happen to 1/2 the population. It's stupid, unreasonable and duplicitous to act like sex doesn't feel good. Jesus. How the hell did we all get here?? If this country didn't have such dichotomy when it came to sex our young people wouldn't be so fucked up. "Just say, No." and “Abstinence!” are the motto's they are given, and in the meantime they are bombarded day and night with sexy Abercrombie images, "wardrobe malfunctions", half naked rap videos and Calvin Klein underwear billboards. Not to mention the contributions of Teen Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Playboy and others. Poor fucking kids. No wonder they're so confused when they do get an "urge" and feel dirty and ashamed because of it. Then they are totally unprepared when the "urge to merge" gets too strong and they can't call it off. I will fight to my dying day to preserve this right. Not for me. For all the daughters, nieces and granddaughters who died by the desperate means of a coat hanger, while their wealthy cohorts were whisked off for "extended vacations out of the country". Shame on you South Dakota. Shame on you Capitol Hill.
Another Black Day in the United States for poor and middle class American women.

What really burns my ever lovin' ass is that the "lives" these anti-choice people consider worth saving are only the ones that aren't born yet. After they are born, no one gives two shits if they are born into a household that loves, wants and can afford them or not. Especially if they are African-American. Then they can wallow in poverty and abuse until they are thrown in prison or the grave - which ever comes first. Hypocrites. And let’s not even talk about the mothers, and medical staff at the clinics who can be used for bomb practice or target practice. Those "lives" don't seem to matter either.

In remembrance of "abortion doctor" Dr. Bernard Slepian, who was shot in the head by long range rifle, while he stood at his kitchen sink getting a glass of water. Leaving behind his wife and children of his own (who I guess don't matter either).

Hammy

New York City Story

2006-03-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The following story is entirely fictional. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

This is the story of the first time I ever went to New York City, and the last time I ever wore a tube top.

Prologue: My previous post had started me thinking about the time I lived on the West Side, a section of the city that had once been home to the areas wealthiest people. As time went by and suburbia happened the wealthy people moved out, and the immigrants moved in, and then out, in waves; first the German, Polish and Irish, then the Italians and finally the Hispanics and Asians. All that remained of the wealthy were the assortment of mansions they had left behind. Some stripped of their fabulous architecture more than others, some cut up into odd sized apartments and some just waiting to be put out of their misery with a wrecking ball. I happened to land in a particularly bohemian area known as "Harristown". A mixture of the newly urbanized (artsy students, young single professionals and trendy gay couples) who were enamored with the one-of-a-kind dwellings and hip little shops and restaurants; living side by side with the natives - a motley crew of prostitutes, old drug addicts and drunks, and the just plain poor folk. The answer to the urban renovators woes was to "block bust", or buy up every house that came on the market (and some that didn't, in the form of foreclosures) remodel them, and sell them to the next wave of sparkling urban professionals. So there it would be; a newly restored mansion smack next door to a crumbling structure with blown out windows, a door hanging off it's hinge and a Rottweiller affixed to the rotted porch railing - the lady or man of the house flopped on the couch on the porch; its stuffing escaping from the arms or cushions. All in all an interesting place to be in the disco era of the 1980's. I was living out my bohemian dreams in a house that held a mix of moderately talented artists, extremely talented con men, and me.

I had just finished my first year of college, and had basically garnered one or two useable grades, so I decided to take some time off to figure out just what the hell it was I really wanted to do with my life. In the meantime, I had run across someone I had known in a previous life. (Actually he had gone to Junior High school with me prior to taking off to Europe one year. We used to be in the same Spanish class, and since he already spoke fluent Spanish - and I didn't give a shit if I did; we sat in the back of the room and played poker.) I was surprised to see him back in the States and one thing led to another and we started dating. For the purposes of this story, let's call him...Eduardo. Well Eduardo was a moderately talented artist and sculptor, but he was a far more talented con man. He had a body guard (for reasons which I will decline to elaborate upon) a guy with way more loyalty and brawn than brains. Let’s call him....Joey Bag O'Donuts.
Anyway, one day Joey's girlfriend came into town to visit. She was a cross between Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Julie Andrews. Why or how she ever hooked up with Joey is one of the great mysteries in life. We'll call her.....Penelope. So anyway, Miss Penelope was not from around these parts and she had "always wanted to see Niagara Falls", a locale which we were not all that far away from. So Joey asked Eduardo if he could borrow his prime piece of real estate - his El Camino. Needless to say Eduardo was less than thrilled to lend one of his favorite toys to Joey Bag O'Donuts - even if he did sleep right outside his bedroom door not entirely unlike a Doberman Pincer. So, unwilling to look less than generous, Eduardo gets the bright idea to take Joey and Penelope to Niagara Falls himself, and of course, the arm candy came with him. (I told you I once was hired as a Playboy Bunny.) Anyway, if you are not familiar with an El Camino, let me just say this - it's a two-seater car. Now I always wore dark sunglasses for two reasons...well, OK...three reasons: one, they looked damn good on me and two, I wore contact lenses and was a bit light sensitive. So anyway, (What? Oh, the third reason? Um...well....let's just say it was the eighties and leave it at that.) So, as I was saying...my sunglasses...Eduardo never remembered to bring his, and as we were driving he says to me, "Hey, baby, gimme yer sunglasses I forgot mine." to which I replied, "Dammit Eduardo! You always do this to me! Why don't you ever remember your sunglasses." to which he replied, "Dat's what you're for. Jus gimme da son glazzes." At one point we stopped at a gas station to fill up, and I wandered in the shop area and noticed a nice pair of black sunglasses behind the counter. I made Eduardo cough up the money and bought a pair to replace the ones he had...borrowed. Once inside the car, Joey says, "Geez, I oughta buy wonna dem for me too" and he goes inside the store. Five minutes later he comes out with a pair for his girl and a pair for himself. Now we all have matching dark black sunglasses, and we are four adults in a two-seater car. We start to go over the bridge to Niagara Falls, Canada (because that's where the better view is) and we stop at the customs checkpoint as required. "Citizens of?" "U.S., U.S., U.S., U.S." we all called out. "Headed to?" "Ni-a-gara Fallz." Eduardo says. The customs official handed Eduardo a card and tells him to go in the lane to the left. Eduardo hands me the card and I look at it. On one side is written "K and 9". So, I'm looking at it and saying "Kay....nine.....Kay...nine....Kay...Oh, Holy shit it says K-9! Canine! As in...dogs!!!" And Eduardo looks at me in that condescending way that he always had, and says, "Don' worry, deres nuttin' in da car, sweet-hart." So we get out, and the dogs get in. Well, they didn't need dogs in that car. They could have used gerbils or boa constrictors because everywhere that customs guy looked - there was something. He started by flipping open the ash tray, where he found a roach (no...not a cockroach) and a pack of rolling papers. The customs guy looked at me. I looked at Eduardo, and Eduardo just shrugged. Next, the customs guy flipped down the visor and a straw fell out. Needless to say, it went downhill from there. (Oh yeah, it got worse believe me, it got a lot worse.) We were summarily marched inside and split into two groups: males and females. We were then marched into an empty, windowless room with a bare light bulb in a cage and a serious looking female customs official named "Bruin Hilda". No sooner had the door closed when we were told to "strip". Penelope hadn't stopped crying since the dogs were let into the car, and I was standing there wearing a tube top (remember those?) an extremely short pair of shorts and high-heeled sandals. Not a lot of places to hide things. I was always a fast talker, so I started talking to Hilda, "Look, can we just skip this part and just say we did? I mean...look at me....I'm practically naked. Where am I going to hide anything? Besides, did ya see all that shit in the car? I mean, what else could we possibly have on us?? And this one - (pointing to Penelope who was still crying her eyes out) - she has nothing to do with any of this, she's practically off the farm. So wadda ya say? Can we just forget about this strip search thing and say we did it - we'll back ya up if they ask, honest!" To which Penelope was vigorously nodding as she bawled her eyes out. Bruin Hilda let us go. But Eduardo and Joey Bags got the full treatment. ( A memory that still makes me smile, even today.) Anyway, when the final count was done, the offending items included a machete under the front seat (Eduardo tried to claim it was an "antique" he had purchased just prior to coming over the border) two .38 caliber bullets and a few other assorted items which I would rather not specify at this time.

During the guys strip search Joey Bags lost a set of brass knuckles and a custom switch blade he had named "Monica".

The customs guys had looked us over (some more thoroughly than others) and decided we weren't worth the paperwork of prosecuting. So they came out of the back room and said, "How much money do you have?" We all pulled our cash out of our pockets and coincidentally, the "fine" was exactly what we had on us to the penny. After we put the car back together, we were sent packing - back to the US. Penelope was still wailing her head off, only now she reminded Joey Bags that she couldn't purchase her train ticket back home because she was broke. Eduardo magnanimously decided he would drive her back home right there and then. The only problem was she lived just outside NYC and we were a good 10 hours away from there. I suggested to Eduardo that we just swing by the house, get the money to buy her ticket, and be thankful we all weren't in the hands of the Mounted Police. But, you couldn't tell Eduardo what to do, so off we went to NYC.

Needless to say, it was pretty damn late when we dropped Penelope off at her house. Joey Bags decided to stay with her, figuring Eduardo was far enough away from anyone who normally might wish to do him some bodily harm. Besides, he had some making up to do. Eduardo decided the two of us would continue on into Manhattan and stay with a friend of his, and swing by later in the week to pick up Joey. The only problem was that Eduardo wasn't much of a mechanic, and by the time we got onto the George Washington Bridge, the car had overheated. We stalled out right there in the lane, and decided to just crash right in the car because we were exhausted. We were woken up in the morning by a cop banging his baton against the window and yelling at us to, "Move it outta here buddy, ya can't stay on da bridge!" We were surrounded by 100,000 cars and it was a hell of a way to wake up. The car had the time to cool down, and we were able to get off the bridge and into a gas station in Manhattan. Now we just had to get to his friends apartment. Let’s call him...Louie. It turned out that Louie was out of town, but gave the OK to crash there. Eduardo's many talents included lock picking and in no time at all we were in like flint. We managed to stay in Manhattan for an entire week with no money - but somehow Eduardo and I managed to eat out everyday and night. (No, I didn't ask.) When we went to pick the car up, the mechanic said it needed a new radiator. He said we could go pick one up at the "shop" of a friend of his in the Bronx, and save ourselves some money. We took the subway to the Bronx - a frightening place if there ever was one. I managed to borrow a white dinner shirt from Louie’s closet to use as a jacket of sorts because I was still dressed like Malibu Barbie. In any case, as grateful as I was to not be in the hands of the Mounted Police, I was just as glad to get out of the Bronx alive with that outfit on, considering I was feeling like a Ham sandwitch on a plate in front of a pack of starving wolves. We dropped off the radiator and in a few hours we were on the road again, headed toward home.

Epilogue: Joey Bag O'Donuts had decided the life of being Eduardo's body guard was not as pleasant as guarding the body of the fair Penelope and he declined to return with us. The radiator purchased at "Midnight Auto Parts" had blown by the time we got to Watertown, and Eduardo had to hustle us a ride home from a friend of his named Tommy "Two Guns" (You don't want to know.) who sent a humongous non-verbal black guy named "Hatchet Head" in a Cadillac El Dorado pimp mobile, to pick us up. Louie came home to find his stash of money and everything else well dipped into by Eduardo, and the last I heard of him was a loud wheezy voice coming through the phone yelling, "You owe me eight hunnert dollerz - an I aim ta collect!" The towed-home El Camino apparently lost it's luster, and Eduardo sold it off shortly thereafter. He claimed the seats never worked right after being ripped out by customs. Me? Well, I decided that fending off any future Bruin Hildas and garnering a potential rap sheet wasn't really the life for me and ended up moving out not long after. I also decided I had better be more careful what I wore when leaving the house, as you never can tell just where you'll end up at the end of the day. And Eduardo? Well, he had a body guard for a reason. Last I heard Eduardo had gone back to Europe to....let's say....avoid certain parties who were intent upon sending him on a permanent vacation with a nice view of the river.

And that, as they say, was that....

Ham-N-Cheese Omelette (wink, wink)

Hammy Fact #2

2006-03-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a little pressed for time these days so here is a Hammy Fact.

I once won Honorable Mention in a Cooking Contest for Better Homes and Gardens.
My winning entry was for a concoction called "Beans and Rice". I submitted it as a side dish, but it really made a great main dish, too.

I was living on the West Side at the time, with a large Hispanic population and really dug the food. I just Gringo-ed it up a little. The "secret ingredient" was the authentic Hispanic spices. (It wasn't the same without them.) I managed to Italianize it by beginninging the preparation of the dish with the sauteeing of garlic and onions in the oil. (Every Italian dish starts off with garlic and onion sauteed in oil). It was pretty goddarn good if I do say so myself.

Alas, the written recipe was lost years ago, and I don't have a copy of the magazine...so it's all just a memory now.

-Cookin' Hammy

Just Say, "Hit Me!"

2006-03-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

I wuz jes a-sitting here wonderin' what to write about, when Rockdog sent me an e-mail that just HAD to become a blog post!

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - An Alaska high school violated a student's free speech rights by suspending him after he unfurled a banner reading "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" across the street from the school, a federal court ruled on Friday. Joseph Frederick, a student at Juneau-Douglas High School in Alaska, displayed the banner -- which refers to smoking marijuana -- in January 2002 to try to get on television as the Olympic torch relay was passing the school. Principal Deborah Morse seized the banner and suspended the 18-year-old for 10 days, saying he had undermined the school's educational mission and anti-drug stance. Friday's ruling by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco overturned a decision by a federal court in Alaska that backed Frederick's suspension and said his rights were not violated. The appeals court said the banner was protected speech because it did not disrupt school activity and was displayed off school grounds during a non-curricular activity. "Public schools are instrumentalities of government, and government is not entitled to suppress speech that undermines whatever missions it defines for itself." Judge Andrew Kleinfeld wrote in the court's opinion. The court also cleared the way for Frederick to seek damages, saying Morse was aware of relevant case law and should have known her actions violated his rights. The appeals court said the banner was protected speech because it did not disrupt school activity and was displayed off school grounds during a non-curricular activity. The court also cleared the way for to seek damages, saying Morse was aware of relevant case law and should have known her actions violated his rights.

Where were these people when I was in High School?
And why didn't our church have Bong Hits 4 Jesus??

Happy Monday!!

Hammy

Sit Down, Tex...You've Created Enough Trouble

2006-03-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

What the hell is it with this guy? It's not enough that we're spread on toast in both Afghanistan and Iraq, but now he's making eyes at Iran. When is this stupid ass out of office?
Can't be too soon for me.

And what's with all the moaning and groaning over the failed Ports deal with UAE?? Did he really think that no one would object to handing over US Port Security to the Arabs?!? Jesus, even the Republicans think it's a stupid idea. In light of the fact that the United States isn't exactly bosom buddies with most Muslims around the world what makes him think the Arabs actually like us? Personally, I think they're fakin' it.

And then there's Condi in the background. You can almost hear her thinking, "Oh yes! Yes, George. Your so manly! I just love it when you talk terror."

Ham-mered

The Dead

2006-03-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

This has been a really hard post to write. I think I started writing this Monday night. I had to keep stopping because I had to have a good cry every hour or so that I tried to search for pictures and upload them. This was one of the happiest times of my entire life. If I could, I would go back there in a minute, and take the little Hams with me. I was never so happy and free as when I had the Grateful Dead in my life, and I will never be that happy or free ever again. It wasn't just the music, or the road trips, it was the people. It was being in a group that felt like and thought like you did. It was seeing that there is a whole bunch of people all over the land that love the planet, hate the greed, decry the injustice, and embrace the possibilities of what we all can be. It was experiencing more love, more openness, more acceptance and more forgiveness than I ever had experienced in my life. It was shedding all the burdens around my shoulders, that everyone has seemed to place on me from the moment I was born. It was freedom like no other, because I was free to be me...all the time, every day that I was on the road. And that was a priceless gift. One that I'll never forget, and I'm so glad that I had the ability to finally "get it".

The "Further" bus

The Grateful Dead started off as the House Band for Ken Kesey (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) and the Merry Prankster's Acid Test house parties in Haight-Ashbury, San Francisco. They were originally called The Warlocks, but had to change the name, because somebody else had it first. The apocryphal story is that the name was picked out of the Dictionary by Jerry Garcia.

-Uncle Jerry-
(I miss you more than words can tell.)

"Standing on the moon
Where talk is cheap and vision true
standing on the moon
but I would rather be with you
Somewhere in San Francisco
On a back porch in July
Just looking up to heaven
at this crescent in the sky,
in the sky
Standing on the moon
With nothing left to do
A lovely view of Heaven
But I'd rather be with you,
Be with you..."

The original members. Left to Right: Jerry Garcia, "Pigpen" McKernan (keyboards), Bobby Weir, Bill Kreutzman (drummer) and Phil Lesh

Pigpen (fat guy in the middle) died of cirrhosis of the liver (at 27), and started the band on a trail of keyboard players that continued to meet their demise. (Kind of like the ill fated Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position in Harry Potter...)

Mickey Hart was added later as a second drummer/percussionist. His father was the band's manager for a while...until he stole all their money and took off. Mickey left the band for a few years and when he returned....the song "He's Gone" and the image of Steal Your Face was born....

The Lyrics were about Mickey's father:

"Rat in a drain ditch, caught on a limb,
you know better but I know him.
Like I told you, Like I said,
steal the face right off your head.
Like a steam locomotive rolling down the track,
he's gone, gone, gone
and nothin's gonna bring him back,
he's gone.."

Brent Mydland was keyboardist #3...and my favorite...
he lasted 11 years before dying of cancer.

Keith Godchaux was keyboard player #2.
He died in a car accident.

Donna Godchaux; Keith's wife.
It was the only time the Dead had a female in the band.

Vince Welnick, keyboard player #4.
This time it was Jerry who died.

The Grateful Dead was more than a band, it was a philosophy one espoused.
It was the way you viewed life, it was the way you thought about things,
and about how you felt.

The Music was only a small part of it. It was the people and the "camp" that formed around each venue played. You could buy anything (and I mean anything) clothes, jewelry, bongs, stickers, great food....everything but tapes of the show....that just wasn't done. The Dead were the first band to allow taping at their shows, and it was just understood, you didn't make a profit off a friend...

When you were on the road, as you came closer to the venue, you would see the license plates: GR8FUL, SAMSON, TRUCKIN, SUGAREE, BLT2LST (for Built to Last),
ST STPHN (for St. Stephen), SOTM (for Standing on the Moon), RIPPLE and on and on...

Those wonderful, awful VW Buses.....

I first heard of the Grateful Dead when they came to town to perform a concert at the old Auditorium. I went with a rather uptight friend and had a terrible time. The band didn't perform like any band I had ever seen before and I just didn't "get it".
Years later, they came around again. This time it was in the summer, the 4th of July to be exact, and we didn't have tickets. I went with a different friend. We managed to get inside because we turned on the charm with the security guard...ahem...and once inside it was like a huge circus. There were people with their faces painted, there were jugglers and "Spinners" (people spinning around....don't ask me...it's just what they did) there were people half naked and all naked, there were sights I had never seen before. And drugs? Holy Shit... It was wild. I still didn't "get it" but I sure did have a good time.

Years later I met a guy who was a "Dead Head". He wasn't a taper, but had enough friends who were, so he managed to have a pretty nice collection. He played them in his car, and after a while I found the music was pretty good, and the lyrics were deeper than most.
I remember when I finally "got it". I was listening to a studio recorded version of High Time:

"You told me good-bye,
How was I to know,
You didn't mean good-bye,
you meant please
don't let me go.
I was having a high time,
living the good life,
Well, I know

The wheels are muddy
Got a ton of hay
Now listen here baby,
'cause I mean what I say,
I'm having a hard time
living the good life
Well, I know

I was losing time
I had nothing to do
No one to fight
I came to you
Wheels broke down
The leader won't draw
The line is busted
the last one I saw

Tomomorrow come trouble
Tomorrow come pain
Now don't think too hard baby
'cause you know what I'm saying
I could show you a high time
living the good life
Don't be that way

Nothing's for certain
It could always go wrong
Come in when it's raining
Go on out when it's gone
We could have us a high time
living the good life
Well, I know

I can't explain it other than to say, it seemed to me to be the most spiritual song I had ever heard. In some way it tapped into everything I had been trying to be or do up to that point in my life - and why it was all failing. In a strange way, it was like talking to God. Jerry had a way of doing that, saying just what you needed to hear. When my old boyfriend found me sitting there with tears streaming down my face, all he said was "You just got it, didn't you?"
And I did.
I did.

Thank you Jerry, Thank you for everything.
"Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell."

From the bottom of my heart
Love, Hammy

Out of the Mouths of Comedians

2006-03-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me by Rockdog, who always sends me cool things. (Thanks) And has yet to comment directly on the blog even though I made accommodations for annonymous comments (Lazy Californian!) But I love him, so I'll forgive him. This is worth reading...a few times over.

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too
much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of
two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are
days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom."

-George Carlin

Right the Fuck on Brother George!

Ham-string

Spatters

2006-03-06T05:03:00.000-08:00

Well, the "Just Say No to Evil Rat Things" campaign seems to be working rather well.
I have to admit it is VERY hard to change a Type A personality. But after that disasterous last week-end at work, some changes needed to be made. In order to "remind me" of my new committment to bliss myself out I have pasted an image of the crossed out Evil Rat Thing on my locker at work, and on the dashboard of my car, and at my "CEO desk" at home. Ham Jr #1 likes the image, she thinks it's pretty funny. Ham Jr #2 does not like the image, she thinks it's weird.
But, it must be working because one of the Big King Slackers (and my new mentor) at work made a remark to me over the week-end that "this isn't the Hammy, I know" and later said, he was "very impressed" with the new Hammy. The shit was hitting the fan all week-end long. I think the bus must have pulled out in front and let them all off at our ER. But I was determined not to let it get to me. I just took a "fuckitall" attitude. If people got ticked at the wait, I apologized for their pain and directed them to the Doctor. If people wanted "narcotics" or "more narcotics" I made suitably sympathetic noises and just directed them to the Doctor, if the Doctors started getting cranky I just told them to "write it down, I'll get to it", I took my lunch, I took a break and I even pee'd when I needed to pee. I just wasn't going to get into overload mode no matter what happened. I wasn't going to make their problems, my problem. Let the Doctor handle the shit for a change. Let the Doctor decide they've had enough of the nutball and write the script for Lortab just to get them the hell out of the ER. Why should I keep running point? Fuck that. Let the Doctor deal with the know-it-all daughter-in-law or the irate and offended son. Fuckit. I just took a deep breath or two and mentally said, "Fuckit, Fuckitall".

I decided I'm not cleaning up the mess, I'm not going to take ownership of the problems and I'm not going to take the failures of the system personally. Fuck That Shit. Let someone else eat the stress. I'm full up.

Needless to say, Saturday felt a little alien. I realized how hard it was to ignore all the shit around me, and not jump to do something about it. Not want to get up and fix it all. Not to get pissed off and erupt at the big huge never-ending pile of shit. Or to put it another way, how hard it is NOT TO BE ITALIAN. But, I had a pretty good day in spite of the chaos all around me, and the fact that I had to fight to not react to it - and consequently, Sunday was a lot easier. I realize this is going to take some time to ingrain this into my personality, but I'm thinking, why not apply this to other areas of my life? In fact, why not apply this to all the areas of my life?

Now, I don't know how much is "nature" and how much is "nurture", but the Dali Lama says it's possible to change the chemical pathways of your brain by your thoughts. And I'm a big fan of the Dali Lama. He always looks happy. I want to be happy too. I just don't want to wear those saffron robes or get my hair cut in any funky ways. But other than that - count me in.
My cardiovascular system is lovin' it already, and Sunday night I went home happy, calm and in a better frame of mind than I have been in for a long time.

Blissful Ham

Strange, but True...

2006-03-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

I was driving behind a big-ass SUV today, and thanks to my annoying tendancy to tailgate people, I noticed the writing on the two magnetic car ribbons the man had plastered onto the ass of his obnoxiously large vehicle.

One of the ribbons was dark green, and in yellow letters it said: CHILDRENS MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS.

However, the other equally large magnetic car ribbon slapped on the other cheek of his obnoxiously large vehicle said: SUPPORT LAP DANCING.

No shit. Now, wadda ya make of that?

Anyway, I found the magnetic car ribbon that's perfect for me....and my new "Just Say No to Evil Rat Things" mentality...see illustrated picture above. Perfect isn't it?

That one's really hard to top but it did start me thinking about a few ribbon messages that may be appealing: "Just Say No...to Everything." or maybe one that says: "Just Increase the Dose" or maybe one that says:"He's Almost Out of Office."

Magnetic Ribbon Hammy

College Life

2006-03-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

Today I sat with my undergrad advisor for the last time.
Next year is my final set of classes for my BSN.
Since I need to maintain a certain number of credits per semester, I'm in the interesting position of having to add an extra class on for the upcoming Fall semester. It can be anything I want to take. Totally my choice. which is really cool.

I've been looking at classes in all of the different departments. It's like getting a free credit card and being let loose in the Mall. You can buy anything you want, but you can only buy one item.
I started off in the Athletics department. There's a Hatha Yoga class that meets twice a week that will fit in my schedule nicely. There's also an Intro to Hebrew class offered; which strangely enough is something I have wanted to learn for a couple of years now. There's a lot of offerings in the English Department; I could take a Writing class, or a class on British Literature, Poetry or Shakespeare. I could take a few different History classes - which I always find interesting. The Art Department has some appealing classes - an Intro drawing class, or Basic Painting. There's also an Intro to Architecture that would fit in as well. (That one has a lot of appeal too.)

My college record looks like a topographal map....lots of peaks and valleys. My first big splash into college life after graduating from High School kinda looked like my illustration above. I think my entire freshman year in college garnered one or two usable grades. I do recall getting a report card with:

a W (withdrawl)
an X (I'm not even sure what the hell that was supposed to be)
an F (for the 8 AM class that I slept through every single time)
a B
and an A (oddly enough)

The following semester was a complete wash. At some point I just withdrew completely. I think it was on the first day of classes.....it was definitely within the first week. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that ALL of my classes were scheduled BEFORE 10 AM, and that was usually when I woke up....ahem...anyway, things did improve once I regained my balance from all that heady freedom....and transferred to a school that didn't have an on-campus Pub.

However, once I did "get serious" about college, I only took the courses necessary for my Business degree. I didn't want to waste time at that point, and was pretty single minded in my focus. Which was fine for that point in my life. Even years later when I decided to go back to school for Nursing, it was a quick 2 year degree program, and I didn't choose electives there either.

Now that I have this great opportunity and am at one of the largest Universities in this area, I feel like I have a small chance to recapture a little of what I took for granted so long ago. I want to take an elective - and just purely for the fun of it. Just to learn something new.
There are a lot of things that are difficult about going back to school as a "non-traditional student" but there are a lot of great things about it as well. For one, you have a completely different perspective, and another is that you have a foundation of real experience to work off of, and third - you appreciate it a lot more. Additional education becomes an asset rather than a liability.

In 1990, when I first looked at going back to school to become a Nurse, I thought, "Oh my god, it will take nearly 3 years and that's so long...blah, blah, blah...whine, whine, whine..." and my Mother said, "The time will go by anyway, and 3 years from now you're going to say Oh, I could have had that degree by now, so just do it - the time is going to pass either way." You know, that was the best advice she ever gave me. (That, and telling me to make sure I always had a credit card in my own name.)

So 3 years ago, when I thought about going to Grad school for Nursing - and found I had to get the undergrad degree in Nursing first - I really felt like it was going to be a never-ending thing, but...she was right, that advice she gave me so long ago still is true. The time has gone by and now it's almost time to apply for the Master's program. So, if yer thinking about going back to school - I say "Do it!". The time will go by anyway. Just chip away at it, and before long you'll be done.

So now I just have to figure out what I'm going to add on this Fall. So many choices.
I'm just really glad that it seems like, if you live long enough, you do get some opportunities coming around to ya again.

Mortar Board Hammy

Evil Rat Things

2006-02-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't put up a new post since Saturday because Sunday was one of the worst days I have ever had on the job...probably ever. What made it so bad, was that it wasn't an issue with patients, but with co-workers. People who can manage to bring out the absolute worst in you, and ratchet up the bullshit until it gets to a point of no return. It was so bad that I actually completely lost it at work for a couple of minutes. Then, of course, I was bitchy after I got home. Then, had a terrible time sleeping that night...yada, yada, yada. And even though I tried to calm down, and even though I knew it was over and I needed to let it go, and even though I tried not to bitch at the kids...I just couldn't dissipate that anger and frustration.

Monday morning I went to the gym and worked off all that shit with Ron's help. Thank god for physical exercise.

In the midst of all that angst on Sunday night, I had a brief epiphany. I suddenly realized, "Fuck all that shit. None of this crap matters. None of those people matter. Someday this whole phase of my life will be far in the past and won't even be an afterthought. Move on." And even though I was still pissed, it seemed to really clarify things for me. So, in the future I'm just going to care a lot less about a lot of things that happen. I don't like getting angry at my kids for residual shit that happens at work. They don't deserve it, and I don't either. Time is going by in my life, and I need to crystallize what's really important to me. I refuse to spend my energy on that kind of shit again. So I say, "Just say NO to Evil Rat Things." Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all and the horse's they rode in on.

It's time to stop being a Type A personality. It's time to just be a Slacker like everyone else.
I get paid the same, and I'll save the stress on my cardiac system. My kids will appreciate it too.

Because the bottom line is....it doesn't really matter...it's all just stupid shit.

-Epiphanied Ham

Hammy's Public Service Message #1

2006-02-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

I liked the public service blog post that Kimmy did a while back and had thought of doing one myself. So the public service message I'm choosing is on quitting smoking. I decided to forgo the pictures of Lung Cancer, Mouth Cancer, Throat Cancer and all the other pleasant photo's associated with this subject.

I also decided to forgo quoting from the divulged memo's of Big Tobacco directing their Marketing departments on how to hook women, minorities and teenagers. Or quoting statistics regarding the health links to cigarette use.

I'm just going to assume that most smokers know all that shit, and haven't quit because they don't know how. So, here's where I come in. Having had a variety of substantial past experience in many different things of an addictive nature (Disclaimer: although I never inhaled...and all my experience was...observatory) I think I have a pretty good idea what might help someone unentangle themselves from the snare of Big Tobacco.

First, take this simple quiz:

1. Do you have to have a cigarette first thing in the morning? Or if you get up in the middle of the night...say to pee or something? Or do you smoke right before going to bed?

2. Do you tend to smoke under the same circumstances, for example: when you first get in the car, when you are talking on the phone, when you have a drink of alcohol, when you have a cup of coffee, or after you finish eating dinner?

That's it. End of quiz. Here are the answers:

If you answered YES to the first question, then you, my friend are addicted to the nicotine.

If you answered YES to the second question, then you are a habit smoker, not a nicotine addict.

If you answered YES to both, then you have both a nicotine addiction and are a habit smoker (this is probably a really small percentage of people).

So, here's what you need to do:

Nicotine addicts - You need a patch, preferrably the highest dose which I believe is 21 mcg. Apply it before going to bed, sometime in the evening to see how it will affect you. Please don't smoke with the patch on it's really very dangerous. Make sure you increase your water intake, take a daily shower (or two) and try to eat a little ligher for the next week or so. Your going to be detoxing quite a bit and the increased water (flavor it with lemon or lime if you need to) and showers will help. Also if you can increase raw vegetables or salads, fiber or fruit it will speed elimination as well. Make sure you have some support (a good friend or someone who won't sabotage your efforts) and realize that you will be experiencing headaches (take Tylenol) irritability and maybe some insomnia (take Benadryl temporarily). Increase your exercise even just a little bit. Go for a walk around the block after dinner. If ya have a dog, take the dog. And you'll get through it...believe me. When you feel like freaking out, just take some nice deep slow breaths and remember the craving will only last you about 5 minutes. In a way, you have it easier. Once your past this you don't have those habit triggers to set you off. Your biggest hurdle will be in the short run. Keep that in mind, it may help. Know this also, your type of smoker is the type most likely to have a heart attack and more likely to end up with emphysema, so in the long run you really will benefit quite a bit. You might also want to consider Acupuncture or Hypnosis. That may help as well.

Habit Smokers - The patch won't work for you. You need the Nicotine Gum. Put the Gum where you keep your cigarettes, and when you get a trigger to smoke (You pick up the telephone, or get in your car) then reach for the Nicotine Gum instead. You have it easier in one way, you aren't addicted to the Nicotine, but the same things apply only in a lesser way.
Be warned though - Habits are strong associations. Years later you may find yerself tippin' a few too many and reach for OPC's (other people's cigarettes) If this happens, DO NOT I repeat DO NOT buy a pack of "your own". The next day you will be back to normal. Don't keep the association going. Beware of big ass triggers like BREAK-UPS, BAD DAYS AT WORK or Unusual STRESS (like the holidays, or visiting your family). Remember it's only a habit association. Find something healthy to fill the void, like Meditation, Yoga or Aromatherapy.
Consider an Aerobics class or a Spinning class. Something that will rev up your metabolism. You are definitely in danger of filling the void with food, so be careful.

Type Three - I'm not sure if you really have both of these things going on. You may just have an addictive personality, or tend to go overboard with chosen "crutches". If you have a "speedy" personality: Type A, always on the go, lots of coffee, etc. Then try the Nicotine Gum.
If this doesn't work, try a very low dose patch in combination with the Gum. I don't want to sound patronizing in any way, but you may want to consider counselling at some point. Sometimes people who have an "on the run" personality are "running from" something.
You would benefit mightily from yoga if you're open to it. Yoga tends to work the mind and spirit just as much as the body. Try to find a more kinetic type of yoga - something other than Hatha would probably work best for you. Maybe Kundalini or Phoenix Rising, or if you are lucky enough to have a Tai Chi studio around you, that would be very good.

Hope this helps. And remember this, in the BEST addiction counselling programs RELAPSE is a step in the process NOT A FAILURE. Don't beat yourself up, it's non-productive. Be nice to yourself, you're only human and you're trying your best. Make it a learning opportunity. Dissect it, figure out what happened and figure out how not to have it happen in the future.

Good Luck, and I'm pulling for Ya!

Hammy

Disclaimer: Please check with your physician before starting a smoking cessation program, these statements have not been evaluated by the FDC, this post is not supported or funded by the Tobacco industry, this post is not designed to diagnose or treat. Yada, Yada, Yada.
Blah, blah, blah. Besides...I'm poor...ya can't sue me for anything...stand in line with everyone else...a pox on the house of all trial lawyers....a pox on your house, I say!!!

Life In The Box

2006-02-23T17:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to the Harley-Davidson "Garage Party", and it was definitely geared toward chicks. There wasn't a male in sight...all the staff were ladies. There was lots of food, red and white wine and coffee and cheesecake for dessert. (Do these people know their market or what??) All that was missing was chocolate. We tried on helmets, jackets, boots. We sat on Dyna's and "fat boys" and Sportsters. We talked about men, kids, bikes, work and why we wanted to do this crazy thing that we were all there talking about. And we left with a "goodie bag" full of really cool stuff. I had way more fun than I've had in a while.

I'm not sure where this is all going to go. I feel like I'm watching it happen in a way. I do know three things, and beyond that, I can't think too much. So this is what I know for sure:

1. I'm getting my permit.
2. I'm taking a rider class.
3. I'm getting my license.

I've never been a person who has wanted a "planned life". Sometimes I think about that, and don't know if it was a good thing, or not. I grew up pretty smack in the middle class. I saw that my father worked in a job that he really didn't like all that much, and that my mother didn't work. So she worked on us. I was fortunate that my parents pushed education for all three of us, but it was always geared toward what they felt was a "good job". Not that there's anything wrong with a good job, but I was born during a time when I watched the fall of almost every major institution there was. I saw Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew shock the hell out of the American public with the realization that, "Yes Virginia, the government does lie to you." I saw the nightly news flashes of the growing body counts of the Vietnam War. I can still see the picture of the silhouette of a soldier with all the tiny soldiers inside, getting higher and higher as the body counts rose. One of my earliest memories (and this is really scary because I was not even 2 years old when this occurred) was of my mother running into the room sobbing and saying, "They just shot the President." She was referring to John Kennedy, of course, but I didn't realize that for a number of years. That memory is just burned in my brain, seeing my mother running into the room and sobbing like that. I saw the civil rights riots on TV, with film footage of blacks being hosed down with water cannons, and people being dragged and clubbed by cops in riot gear. I saw the Beatles perform on Ed Sullivan and grew up with the anthem of Rock And Roll. I remember my father waking all of us up at some ungodly hour (it was still dark outside) to watch them "land on the Moon". I attended "religion classes" after school during the post Vatican II years when everything in "The Church" was changing; they stopped saying the Mass in Latin, and then all the Altar railing were removed. I remember seeing women on TV taking "The Pill" and burning their bra's, marching with Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. I remember cigarette commercials getting banned from television - and I still recall some of the jingles. I saw Hippies protesting war, promoting free love and smoking pot in the parks; the hero's: Timothy Leary, Allan Ginsburg, Ram Dass and Abbie Hoffman. The funny thing, I'm still watching institutions fall. And I'm still seeing barriers break down.

My early formative years just basically gave me one message - nothing that appears to be an institution, really is. Anything can change. I've never felt that anything was really permanent, only that it pretended to be. I didn't purchase a vacuum cleaner until my 3rd apartment (it was too big not to) and then I cried, because I felt like I had sold out in some way.

In 1989 I got married to a guy that was OK, but really just a boyfriend and not much more. I got married because I was sick of being bugged about not being married. In an Italian family once you're past 24 you're considered an old maid, and the Aunts are mobilized to "find you a husband". It got to the point where it was a depressing conversation on a grinding never-ending loop. "When are you gonna get marriedhavechildrenbuyahousesettledown???" So, I asked Mark if he wanted to get married, and he wasn't busy at the time, so...
I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine about three months before this "blessed event" was to take place. He said to me, "You don't really want to do this, do you?" and I said, "The invitations are sent, it doesn't really matter what I want to do, and Mark will make a great first husband."
It was truly an all out kick ass party. Italians and ridiculous amounts of food, German-Polish and ridiculous amounts of booze, Nukie's rockin' powder blue convertible (Delta 88??) to pose on and enough pictures to make even grandma happy. A good time was had by all. There was even the obligatory family Mafia members to round out the guest list. Three month later I was tossing his clothes off the porch of the 2nd story apartment. "Mission accomplished....can I live my life now??" I have to say, my family didn't bug me about getting married after that.

Part II of this tale

The best times I've ever had (ever) were travelling on the road, going to Grateful Dead shows. The guy I was going out with was a crazy old hippie "taper" and he would go on the road to "tape" all these different Grateful Dead shows. We would work our "day jobs" here at home, and then save up our "time off" and money for planned road trips to the East Coast shows. We'd take off about 2 or 3 weeks at a time and see 10 shows in 3 or 4 states. Come back home and plan the next set of shows. It was one of the freest times I had ever had up to that point in my whole life.
I felt like I had the freedom to be whatever I wanted - who ever I wanted...without all the voices around me, so willing to tell me who I was and who I wasn't.
When Jerry Garcia died, I felt like something inside of me died. I cried so goddamn hard. I cried for a week. I cried because I knew I would never feel that free again.

The routine starkness of the "real world" was too much for the "taper" hippie guy. We broke up and I started dating one of that circle of people. A guy who was fun, and different, wounded and thought provoking. He was a great, great boyfriend - but NOT someone to marry or have kids with. He had his limitations, and in his own context he was OK. He just wasn't OK outside of that - in fact, he basically didn't function. When I found out I was pregnant - I ignored it. I think I was hoping it would go away. I don't know that I had really thought about an abortion, I didn't really want an abortion, but I didn't want a baby either. So, I was ignoring it, hoping it would go away. When I was (I'm guessing here) about 3 months pregnant I had a dream. In the dream I was walking down the hallway of a castle, everything was stone; stone walls, stone floors, stone archways. I turned into a room with an arched stone window and a stone table with a basket on top. In the basket was a baby girl wrapped in a blanket. I knew it was "the baby" and I said to her, "Oh, you are so beautiful! But why are you coming to me? There are so many women who want to have babies and I'm not even trying. Why don't you go to one of them?" but the baby said, "No, I picked you for my mother." so then I said, "Well, I'm not ready yet, why don't you come back in a couple of years and then I'll be ready for you." but the baby said, "No, I'm hear NOW." and then the baby said, "You'll be fine." Well, I woke up like my head had been held under water. I woke up scared shitless. Needless to say...
Anyway, we tried to "play house" but he got mad and took his toys home. He got the Grateful Dead tapes, I got the cat...oh, yeah...and the kids. A robbery (oh, that's right it's technically a "Burglary") helped me and the kids out of that house and into a condo apartment so fucking far away that I felt I was in exile. Every time the alarm went off in the morning my first thought was, "Oh shit! I'm still alive!". It wasn't too good. In fact, it was really bad. I think I was a zombie for a couple of years. Going through the motions of what everyone expected: being a Good Mother, being a Good Employee, Being a Tax Paying Citizen, once in a while Go To Court. Up, wash, dress, eat, kids here, me there, pick up kids, eat, pay a bill, wash, cry, go to bed. Over and over...all the time just numb...really not feeling or caring about a whole hell of a lot.

Picking up the pieces was really slow. After I had the girls I felt like a snowglobe that someone picked up and shook the hell out of, and set it back down. I was so overwhelmed, and went into "survival mode". I lost everything that was "me", because there wasn't room (or so I thought) for "them" and "me". And they needed me, more than I needed me (or so I thought).

I'm not sure what really started things changing. When I think back, I have to say it was a conversation that I had with a really scary looking african-american (is that PC enough??) "psychic" that a friend of mine knew. I called her on the phone to make an appointment with her. She hadn't even met me yet, and as we were talking about when to meet she says out of the blue, "Why aren't you in school?" and I was just dumbfounded, because I HAD been thinking about going back to school but hadn't said anything to anyone. So I sputtered and stuttered, and she said, "Enroll yourself in school. You need to go back to school, and you know you've been wanting to do that." So I did. The day I signed up, it was like someone breathing new life into me.

That Fall, the little one boarded the bus, and I went back to college. And the ice started to crack a little.
The first semester was a near disaster, but I made it through, and made it through the next one, too. This past Fall, I thought, "I've always wanted to weight train." and when the kids boarded the September bus, I walked into the gym where I am now and started training three days a week. The depression weight started coming off, and I could see "Grandma's arms" disappearing. I grunted, sweated and gritted along. I wasn't just transforming muscle, I was transforming myself.

So a few months ago I started thinking, "Oh yeah! I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle."

Maybe Spring really does come after the long Winter? I don't know. All I know is, I'm getting too big for this box...

Out of the Box Hammy

P.S. Mark and I still laugh about what an all out kick ass party that wedding was.

And Now, Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

2006-02-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a couple of days away from the blog and all hell breaks loose. Now that Nukies temporary insanity/urge to hit the destroy button, has been sated I can get back to what I was originally going to post on Monday morning.

Last Friday was a great day!!

The day started with a session at the gym, where Ron and I were discussing bikes (mototcycles to be more precise). Ron is one of the Trainers at the gym, but prior to being a Trainer - he was a motorcycle mechanic. I told him I had been interested in riding one (in the front of the bike, that is) for quite a while, but didn't think I was strong enough to handle one. Ron joked that I also had to get the obligatory tattoo - maybe something like "I love my bike" on my butt cheek - and wear a pair of hot pants. I told him, if he could get me into hot pants I'd tattoo "I love my trainer" on the other cheek.

Our conversation had gotten me thinking, and I stopped at the Harley Davidson dealership. It's an imposing building without windows and one large dark door that gets locked with steel doors at night. I had never been in there and could only envision a lot of big burley tattooed guys hanging around staring at me and thinking aloud, "What the hell is she doing in here?"
Fortunately half the staff was female and the atmosphere was completely different from what I had imagined. I asked one of the gals what I needed to do to "get started" and she told me that Harley was sponsoring a Ladies Night on Wednesday for those women who want to know how to take riding classes and how to select a bike. Needless to say, that's on my agenda for tomorrow night. I also bought a really cute pair of boots. (see pic) And sat on a Sportster 883 that felt pretty comfortable and like something I could handle.

I was planning on going to a retirement party for one of the Town's Paramedics, this great old broad from Brooklyn named Betty. She was one of the first female Paramedics in the State and one of the First (for a long time) in the very small Town Police Department. She got a lot of shit when she started and it lasted a long time. She's been about 100 shades of blonde, always applied a fresh coat of lipstick before going out on a call and probably has slept with half the Fire department and the Police department over her career. I remember her when I was working in the same ER I'm in now, but as a nursing student. I had left the hospital after I graduated and when I returned there a dozen years later, I was delighted to see her still in the saddle (ahem...literally and figuratively). She was truly a force to be reckoned with and will be sorely missed for her uniqueness and personality. The "do" was being held at the Police Club, and I really didn't have anything I wanted to wear to it, since most of my wardrobe consists of scrubs, gym sweats or pyjamas. So I went shopping and to my surprise found I had dropped another size! (woo-hoo) I bought the perfect skirt and top that would go nicely with motorcycle boots (hey, they were all cops, paramedics and firefighters) and I have to say I looked pretty damn good.

The one funny thing I noticed was that we did three things that in this "Politically Correct" society I had forgotten about:

1. We said the Pledge of Allegiance.
2. We said an opening Prayer.
3. The speakers told dirty (and actually quite funny) jokes.

It was like the 50's all over again. It was strange in a way, and in another way very refreshing.

I'm going to pass on one of the Betty stories, because she is so funny and this story sums up her personality to a Tee. She was talking about "briefings" which apparently are the start of shift meetings where the department (Police and Paramedic) review cases and "perps" they are looking for. (Didja like that little bit of lingo there...) So this one cop is talking about this case where a man keeps parking in front of one of the all-girl schools, and sitting in his car without any pants on. The guy is taking pictures of his penis and throwing them out the window onto the sidewalk. The cop keeps looking at Betty and laughing as he's telling the report. So finally Betty (who is not about to be intimidated, embarrassed or outdone by this guy) says, "Alright, let me see one of the pictures, maybe I can recognize him." Like I said - one of a kind.

So...that's what I was going to post on Monday. It's already old news, but....I have nothing else. Actually, that's not true...I always have something to say. But I'll let you know how the Ladies Night goes...and sh-hh...it's a secret for now! No sense in stirring up Edith and Archie...not just yet anyway.

The Ham-ster

Hear's the Deal...

2006-02-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

Ok. After speaking with Mrs. Nukie I have confirmed that Miniscule Thoughts is no more.
We have determined the cause is one of Three probable reasons:

1. Nukie Is Having a Mid-life Crisis.
2. Nukie has Run Out of Ideas.
3. Nukie has gone insane.

For now, Your stuck with the Crazy Sister/Aunt/Sister-in-Law as the family representative.

Unfortunately, I now have to figure out how to add links of everyones blogs in order to read them from my own site, rather than piggy-backing around from Miniscule Thoughts and Puddle Jumping the rest from Kimmy. Sigh.

There is the possible chance that Nukie may resurface sometime in the future, disguised as a blogger named Al from Kalamazoo. The blog could be re-named "Al's Tale's". But that remains to be seen.
He also may post comments anonymously like a Phantom of The Blogger. That also remains to be seen.

Then again, he may just ride off into the sunset, leaving all of us to endlessly talk about his return; stuck in the mire of our own blogdom, like a living version of The Blogman Commeth.

Still again, we may just riddle him with guilt and plague him with doubt until he restores the site and concedes to the collective will of the Blogfather; calling out from behind his computer desk, "Just when I thought I was out, they suck me back in."

The insanity runs on Archies side of the family....(according to Edith).

Respectfully Submitted,

The Ham-ster

All I want for Christmas is...

2006-02-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

Kimmy has this post up about pornography and it got me thinkin' about sex and sexuality.
Now, porn isn't my thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY of appreciation for the male body (oh, yes indeedy I do) and women's bodies are beautiful and curvy, but what is it that people REALLY want when they look at porn?? Sexuality! If it were just raw parts we'd all be stocking our bookshelves with Anatomy books or subscribing to National Geographic. No, we want to be turned on! And what turns us on is sometimes very subtle and hard to define. So I started thinking about what sexuality is to me and I have to say what keeps coming back to my mind is Peter F**king Fonda. God, that guy turns me on. I swear, that's what started me on hippies in the first place. Peter F**king Fonda.

I grew up in a very, very, very small conservative middle-class suburb. We had the only double on our street. My parents and us kids lived in the downstairs flat, and my Mother's mother lived upstairs (except for this one brief stint where she had longed for the old days and moved back to the West side - only to find out, of course, that times had changed. When her flat, which my mom had rented out, became available again she moved back in - permanently. She didn't pine for the old days so much after that freaky deaky experience.)

Anyway, two doors down from us, in this big old Dutch Colonial, lived this crazy old lady named Frieda, and her family. Frieda was a clean freak. She would come outside dressed in a blue dress with a white apron, black crepe soled shoes, and a hairnet on her head; and she would wash the driveway with a scrub brush and a bucket. No shit. She was nuts, but her son! Her son was a hippie, and looked exactly (EXACTLY!!) like PETER FONDA!
He had a VW bug and...best of all...a Motorcycle. The fact that he was probably in his early twenties and I was twelve did not matter to me at all, but alas...he had a girlfriend...and, didn't know I existed. But! He used to sunbathe in her back yard...wearing a black speedo. Oh, God help me!! Needless to say, spent a lot of time looking out my grandmother's bathroom window.

Holy Shit!! The sight of Peter Fonda stradling all that hard shiny chrome still sends my hormones skyrocketing all over the universe. And people think TIES are a phallic symbol! Man, oh man. And that leather...pant, pant, pant...it's so primal and testosterone loaded. Oh, my God!! Who needs porn when you've got Peter F**King Fonda. Jesus, I'm sliding off my chair just thinkin' about it.

I swear that's why I've liked Hippies ever since...Mm-mm...and Motorcycles...Ooooh God...and the smell of a black leather jacket on a man...Oh, Lord have Mercy...can make me do some verrrry bad things. Whoooo! I have to stop writing now...

Easy Rider Hammy

E's Not Dead...He's Just Sleepin'

2006-02-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

The Bushwhacked administration has often reminded me of something...and I just couldn't put my finger on it. This past week, between the Shell Game regarding the Katrina Debacle and Dick Cheney getting in a John Rambo kinda mood, it hit me like a Shot. (No puns intended)
Listening to anyone talking out of this White House is like listening to Monty Python's Dead Parrot skit. See for yourself, if it doesn't sound like familiar White House retoric.....

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Yep...Pip Pip....Spammy

Thank God For Geeks and Nerds!

2006-02-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

Well a Big Huuuuge thank you to Nukie for saving my laptop from imploding. Last night I made an emergency house call visit to the Nukie Household, as my poor laptop had been besieged by all those evil nasties that attach themselves to your poor helpless computer when you're trying to cruise the information highway. Being a decidedly right brain member of the family, my ability to deal with these things on my own is severely limited.

So after a quick call to Nuke, I asked Edith if she could watch the Ham Junior's while I went to Nukies house. Like a nice Grandma, she said yes. Two minutes later the telephone rings, and I didn't even have to look at the Caller ID to know it was Archie. I didn't have to answer the phone to know EXACTLY what he was going to say:

Me: "Hello"

Arch: "YEAH, You can't go driving around...it's bad out."

Me: "It's not that bad out, and my laptop is about to implode, so I NEED to have Nukie fix this for me."

Arch: "Tell yer Mother to come back home, I'll go for Ya."

Me: "I don't want you to go for me, besides I need to be there." Waiting....for what I know is coming next....

Arch: "Well I'm coming over there then, I'll drive ya."

Me: (Sigh)

As we were driving over to Nukie's I thought to myself, "When exactly, will I be able to drive anywhere on my own?" I figure, once Archie is gone my kids will take over where he left off.

A Vision of The Future:

Me: "Hello"

A Junior Ham: "Yeah, what are you doing, Mom?"

Me: "Well, I'm about to go over your Uncled Nukie's house, I need my Crystal Telepathy Ball fixed"

Ham Junior: "You can't go flying around, there's too many atmospheric conditions tonight."

Me: "Well, I HAVE to go, my Crystal Ball is about to go dark, and I need to write a post about President George X. Bush the VII, on the blog."

Ham Junior: "Well I could go for you."

Me: "No, I need to be there, the Crystal Ball won't tune in without my Iris."

Junior Hammy: "Well, I'm coming over there, I'll fly you."

Me: (Sigh).

So, on that note Thank You to Nukie and All the Other Geeks, Nerds, Engineers and anyone else who Predominantly uses the Left Side of Their Brain. I am Eternally Grateful for Your Knowledge and Ability.

(My considerable talents happen to lie elsewhere. :-)

Non-Techie Ham

Happy Valentines Day

2006-02-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

Valentine Box

This morning I realized
That I forgot about your Valentine Box.

It was supposed to be
Decorated, and ready to be delivered
To school
this morning.

I felt so bad telling you,
I didn’t want you to be disappointed,
Or have to arrive at school,
With nothing to show.
When the others would be there
With their boxes,
Decorated so lovingly, or sloppily,
in some cases
Both.

I said to you, “Tell your teacher
there will be a box tomorrow,
Tell her it was your Mother’s fault.”

You looked up at me, no trace of disappointment
In your lovely heart-shaped faced,
“Oh Mom,” you said, “That’s okay,
It’s nobody’s fault.”

Oh sweet child,
Gentle and malice free,
Grace beyond your six small years,
You’ll never know
How much of a Valentine
You have just given
To me.

Happy Valentines Day, all.

Cherish the loves you have and have had

No love given freely

is ever a mistake.....

Romantic and Sentimental Ham

The Fine Art of Finger Pointing

2006-02-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

There can't possibly be anything more painful and aggravating than watching professional politicians talk.

FEMA scapegoat Michael Brown is being filleted again today in an attempt to make Bush and his home boys look blameless in the New Orleans Mess called Katrina.

Problem is, aside from all of the other nonsense being spouted, I find it hard to believe, despite the claims Republican Senator Norman Coleman keeps trying to make, that "President Bush had no idea that the Levee's broke on Monday because Michael Brown didn't (personally) tell him".

Considering there were...oh...about 6000 news crews with cameras and at least 10 channels devoted to the Katrina blow-by-blow news 24/7...how could he not know, when everyone else in the country knew.

Maybe Bush's cable package didn't include the Weather Channel, or CNN or FOX News...or ABC...or NBC....or CBS.

I see that not only isn't the ancient tradition of scapegoating dead yet, but it's being taken to brand new heights.

Pfft! Ridiculousness.

Hammy

Braggin...

2006-02-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

Normally I'm not one to brag. It's just not a big part of my personality. I do like getting credit for an accomplishment, but I just prefer not to do too much tootin' of my own horn. So I have to admit I was a little taken by surprise with my reaction to the grade I received on Ditzy Dora's online exam yesterday.

I got 100%. Which actually shocked the hell out of me. Ya never quite know what you're in for with "the first exam" because you don't know an instructors style, for one thing. And even though the exam was online, it was timed and ya can't go back to the previous questions. (Which I hate!! Grrr!) Plus, ya only get one shot at it. If you screw up and can't finish the exam yer shitouttaluck. So I have to say I worked myself up quite a bit over it before I took it. I did ALL the required text readings....(which I almost never do) and I even read the "recommended" stuff (which I absolutely never do) and I studied all my notes...TWICE (that's twice) mind you.

The thing about online tests is that you get your grade immediately. But I have to say, when it gave me the grade of 100, I thought it was a mistake. Once I realized it was the actual grade I was so psyched! Especially in light of the fact the class average was posting out to be 73! Woo-Hoo Hammy!!

Since I was at home, and the girls get all excited over this kind of thing, I felt pretty comfortable doing a little victory dance in the kitchen. I contained myself somewhat, because I really wanted to run around the house singing "I got a hundred, I got a hundred, Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." But, I made do with the victory dance.

So when I got to class tonight, one of the other gals was bitchin' about the exam...and her grade. I made a comment that I thought it was more difficult than I expected (which it was), but I didn't say what I got on it, and being that we are a "polite society" I figured she'd never ask me. Wrong. As we walked into the classroom, she turns to me and says, "So what ja get?" So, I briefly considered my options, (Lie, pretend I have to go to the bathroom, or tell her what I got) and then I say, "Well, I got 100 on it." to which she replies by staring at me for a few seconds and then saying "Witch!!"

She then spends the rest of the class (it's a three hour class mind ya) telling everyone what I got on the exam. So I start off by saying, in my usual downplaying way, that I read ALL of the text readings and the class notes over TWICE....but then these little horns popped out of my head....and this little pointy tail popped out of my ass.....and I said...."AND I'M SMART!!! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!!!!"

So un-hammy-like.....hee-hee!

And it was just as sweet as a chocolate truffle.
Must be the influence of that upcoming "confident" Leo Moon....

One For The Gipper Ham

Just Piddles....

2006-02-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Since the current Moon is in Cancer I decided to nurture myself a little, before it heads into blazing Leo tomorrow night. A Cancer Moon is a great time to give yourself a little TLC, and Lord knows in this world we sure need it!

Since I took full advantage of the early-in-the-week Gemini phase of the Moon to get myself going on the 2 projects I had for Ditzy Dora's class, I decided to reward myself by baking a pan of brownies last night and cruising the internet for Harry Potter news. (DVD of GOF in stores March 7th, JK is writing book 7 and casting for OOP has already begun). I even let the girls lick the batter off the beaters...(normally reserved for me)...but I did get the bowl and the spatula.

Today I went to a Yoga class with my old instructor. She moved into a new space and it was cozy and warmer than the old room we used to be in. I took care of The Old Girl (my car) on the way home. She had a right rear blinker out, and I figured she needed a little nurturing too. It's not her fault she's a Gastrointestinal Motor's Car.

The last stop before home was at Moti Mahal for a major Indian Food lunchtime pig-out. Mm-mm-mmm! I got home, lit candles and incense, changed into some warm, cozy sweats and snuggled inside the "Magic Cape"....just me, some incense, a nice cup of tea and the last of the brownies.

(The "Magic Cape" is a large, bright red wooly cape that I use instead of a sweater, to wrap around myself when I'm in need of a little extra warmth. I used to wrap my arms around the kids, and tuck them inside it when they were little and not feeling well. I'd give them a little Tylenol and hold them near me. I told them it was a "Magic Cape" and would make them feel better. It always did...but that's what hugs and love and a little Tylenol will do...anyway, the name stuck...and now it's forever the "Magic Cape").

So, before the kids tumble off the bus, I'm going to finish my tea and take a cat nap....and take advantage of the last little bit of this Cancer Moon.

Bed-In Hammy

There's No Such Thing As A Free Speech

2006-02-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I find it ironic that as long as Women, Priests, Jesus, Jews, Politicians, the Military, and Weird celebrities are being bashed no one in the media gives a hoot. But suddenly everyone is afraid to publish cartoons?? In case yer at all interested in what your NOT seeing published in our "free speech press" here in the land of the free and home of the brave click on this link. It's not all that exciting considering the hoopla being made over it. http://www.humaneventsonline.com/sarticle.php?id=12146

Although it does beg the question what is really going on around here? Political Correctness? Cultural Sensitivity? Religious Sensitivity? Or just bald fear of crazy ass people? (Did I here someone say "Bingo", or was that just my imagination?)

If the result of the War on Terror is going to be the slow degradation and destruction of our own civil liberties and values - including our freedom of speech; then we should just raise the white flag right now. Is this what our military are (and always have) been fighting and dying for?? I don't appreciate a lot of things I read, see and hear in the name of "freedom of speech" but I tolerate it, because I value that right - not just for myself, but for all of us. That includes people I don't agree with, and people who don't agree with me.

I thought we already fought this battle? But maybe if the various media outlets were not divvied up and owned by a selected few media moguls, we would have a few more defenders of free speech printing what really amounts to nothing more than a great excuse for a small group of fanatical clerics rousing the fringes and the oppressed into a froth over a little more than a hill of beans. (Especially in light of the fact these cartoons were originally printed four months ago.) But, as always, it's just my Onion pi.

Hammy

The Business of Health

2006-02-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I have a day at work that really makes me wonder what's it all about, Alfie? Today was that kind of day. I don't know if it was the excitement of Superbowl Sunday, or the nasty weather, or the phase of the Moon, or just the weirdness of life, but we were so gosh darned busy that for a moment there I thought it was Thanksgiving Day again. The staffing was a volatile mix of a rather power-loving charge nurse, a spastic doc and me...with PMS. Not good. Add lots of ambulances...heartburn, and several drunks to that picture while yer at it. But the funny thing was the patients I happened to get were people whose lives I touched, or was meant to touch in some significant way. I mean, that happens a lot in this field, but it still throws me when it does. I had a young guy, dumped off by the police for intoxication. No one from his family would pick him up, so he had to stay until his ETOH level dropped to nearly normal. I say nearly, because he was an admitted alcoholic, and the last thing we wanted to do was to throw him into seizures from withdrawal. Still, he was there long enough that we got to talking a bit, in between all the chaos. Now usually ER people are too busy to get into all of the addiction counseling, or we just figure, "What's the use." But for some reason I was able to talk to him about his alcoholism and what it was really doing to his life and health. I don't profess to be an expert, but I was honest, and I really cared, and I was straight with him about where all this would eventually leave him. I don't know if it will make a difference, and it very well may not, but sometimes I just get the feeling I'm "meant to say something." I never really know why, or know exactly what I'm going to say beforehand. I suspect it might be a part of that "big picture" somehow. But when I get that sense, that feeling...well, I go with it because I think to myself, "there is a reason for this. I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure why, but I know there is a reason for this."

I had another guy, an older man. He popped his hip out of joint, for the second time in 2 months. Well, we popped it back in without a lot of difficulty - that wasn't really his problem. I mean, it was his "medical problem" but it wasn't what was really concerning him. Like most older men, they don't really let on about what's really wrong - because men aren't supposed to show those kind of emotions. But once we had a little narcotic action on board...he broke down and started to cry. He was crying about the bill he knew he was going to get for the ambulance, the ER visit and all the procedures. (He had been through this before, and he had a pretty good idea of what the total was going to be - and what wasn't going to be covered). Oh he had Medicare - but only Part A. He elected not to get Part B because his employer was providing other coverage. Then, once he was locked into that decision, his employer changed plans, cut benefits, reduced coverage, increased deductible and co-pays....etc. Most people don't realize Medicare Part A doesn't cover a whole hell of a lot. (Part B isn't too much better either.) I know I was shocked when I found out how bad the coverage is. Oh, it's better than "nothing". But if "better than nothing" is all the healthcare coverage we can offer the men and women who spent their lives and health making this country what it is today...well, that's just shit in my opinion. So here I am, with this poor crying man....my PMS and blood just boiling at the injustice of it all...well, he almost made me start crying too. What a sight we were. I couldn't do too much for him. I just felt like I was handing him platitudes of some sort. But, again I felt like I was meant to be there, and discuss this with him - honestly. (I also gave him a little Hammy advice about how to handle those bill collectors...having had a little experience with that sort of thing back in the days when I was a skip tracer). We had a good cry and then a couple of good laughs. I don't know what that was all about. But sometimes...I don't know...sometimes I think I might just be working off some of that ol' bad karma some how. Who knows, maybe St. Pete will consider letting me in after all.

But I'll tell ya this. I've marched my little fanny on Washington for abortion rights, I've written Congressmen and Senators, and in some cases even the White House over issues I have felt strongly about. But nothing has been a lightning rod for me as much as this healthcare situation. I can't stand to see people crying in the ER over the future bill they are going to receive for trying to take care of their health. I can't stand to see people who work full-time and have no healthcare coverage at all. And it burns my ass that George Bush has put a universal healthcare plan in place in Iraq - paid for with our tax dollars - and yet we don't have one in our own country. The truth is that this system exists because the American Medical Association, and now the Pharmaceutical Companies, want it this way. If you ask most MD's about universal coverage they'll look at you like you've uttered a blasphemy and accuse you of wanting "Socialized Medicine". Somehow, in their mind, everyone having the ability to have BASIC health coverage is somehow equated with them having less money in their pocket, and they've been fighting it since the beginning. The list of people who are covered by state or federal programs grows piece-meal all the time: the very poor, pregnant women, the disabled, the handicapped, veterans, prisoners (those who are incarcerated), illegal immigrants (oh yes!), those over 65, children under 18, the mentally ill, the developmentally disabled, politicians (who have an excellent healthcare plan by the way) and those lucky enough to be covered by their employers. The only ones who aren't covered are the working poor, the temporarily unemployed and those in the middle class who can't afford to buy their own plan.

Healthcare coverage shouldn't be left to "luck". Not in this country.

It's an injustice and it's perpetuated by greed and indifference. I guess we didn't learn as much from Katrina as we should have. I don't exactly know what I'm going to do about it just yet. All I know is I have to do something about this situation. It's just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. An opportunity will come my way, and when it does I'll be ready. Well, I guess sometimes I touch their lives, and sometimes they touch mine.

Socialized Medicine!? What the hell is that supposed to mean??

Hmm-mm, Well then, just call me "Che" Hammy

Whatta Week!!!

2006-02-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

Holy Shitski! I can't believe a whole week has gone by. It's been so jam packed I haven't even had time to cruise the blogs much less write one. (Sniff, sniff). So this is a recap of my week:

Saturday: Took the day off from work to attend the Church retreat for Ham Jr #1's upcoming First Communion. (Which apparently is not called that anymore, and barely resembles anything I ever did.) Had a good time, and learned some new things. For example: The Pelican is pictured in one of the stained glass windows because in the event of a lack of food the mother Pelican will peck at her breast and draw blood, in order to feed the babies and keep them from dying. (Gross, but interesting).

Sunday: Worked 12 hours in a completely crazed ER. Tons of people, staff crabby and worked with Dr. Short-N-Snippy whom I can't stand and thinks he's all that. (Unfortunately he traded shifts with Dr. Handsome-N-Interesting). Stopped for groceries (Never, never shop for groceries on the week-end! Ugh!) Went home, put kids to bed, took a hot bath, fell asleep in the tub. (Ooof!) Woke up with a stiff neck, went to bed.

Monday: Went to the kids school. Met with OT person regarding Ham Jr #2's sloppy handwriting. Gave Cafeteria Manager a check for cupcakes and juice for Ham Jr #1's birthday on Tuesday. Went to gym and worked out with Ron. Went to very, very, very long class/lab (5 hours) with Hetty the Horrible. 25% of the class is repeating due to failing the class in the prior semester. Came home, got kids ready for bed, dropped like a stone.

Tuesday: Went to a work seminar for job #2. Stopped at the store, picked up birthday cake for Ham Jr #1 and some stuff for a nice spread. Went home, put out fire #1 (Cafeteria Manager went to a meeting, forgot to deliver cupcakes and juice. Ham Jr #1 called from school all panicky. Principal saved the day. Found cupcakes in the refridgerator. Delivered them to classroom.) Started decorating the house and cutting up fruit/veggies/cheese when Niece #7 came for a visit. Sister-in-Law left Niece #7 with Auntie Ham while shopping at Mall. Niece squalled and bawled until Sister-in-Law returned. Continued making trays and putting up decorations all the while thanking God I have no more Newborns. Put out fire #2 (No Pizza Delivery at appointed time). Nukie and family arrived, Edith and Archie arrived, Other Brother and Family arrived. Party Time. Cleaned up, got kids ready for bed, Dropped like a stone.

Wednesday: Woke up to NPR recap of Dubya's State of the Union address. Got pissed off. (Addicted to oil?? What an asshole!!) Second day of work seminar at job #2. Stopped at home to get kids off bus. Deposited Ham Jr #2 at Grandma's, took Ham Jr #1 to ER with me for moral support, needed to have the glass in the bottom of my foot removed, that had been there for 9 days. Was insulted by co-workers giving me shit about not coming into ER sooner to have said glass removed from the bottom of my foot. Limped out of ER. Went to drugstore to get script filled for antibiotic. Went home to soak foot, got kids ready for bed. Dropped like a (sore, very sore) stone.

Thursday: Woken up by Ham Jr #2 at 2 AM puking. Happy she made it to the toilet. Again, woken up by Ham Jr #2 at 3 AM puking. Again, happy she made it to the toilet. Woke up at 6 AM in a panic, forgot to take garbage out. Hauled garbage to curb in pajamas. Brrr. Woke Ham Jr #1 at 7 AM to get ready for school. Ham Jr #2 decided (after bus leaves) she's all better. Spends the day running around the house like a monkey on amphetamines while I try to complete class assignment due in a couple of hours. Go to other class with Ditzy Dora. Stare at cute but dumb guy who looks (and acts) like Keeanu Reeves in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Find out I have an online test due and Dora changes the class schedule (again). Figure out I'm basically screwed. Go home, get kids ready for bed. Soak sore foot, take antibiotic. Cruise a few blogs. Create a post which disappears forever when server disconnects. Get disgusted, do a crossword puzzle, go to bed exhausted at 9 PM.

Friday: Kids off from school for Parent Teacher Conference Day (so they are up at the crack of dawn.) Empty dishwasher, throw in load of laundry. Go to kids school to discuss the Junior Hams. Go to gym to workout, bring Ron cookies. Go to UB to drop off assignment. Can't e-mail it, because that's too progressive. Stop in at 2nd job to pick up assignments. Go home to soak foot and take antibiotic. Eat a quick Lunch. Do a case study for Hetty the Horrible's class due on Monday. Answer e-mail. Cruise the internet. Yell at kids who are fighting like cats and dogs. Refrain from selling kids to nearest band of gypsies. Create blog post.

Pffew! So that was my week. Hope yer all good, and see ya later.

Frazzled Hammy

The Real Year of The Dog

2006-01-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

Well, first toilet stories and now Chinese New Years. Great minds think alike. Either that or Nukie and I both need some new lives. Anyway, I had intended to post this on Saturday, so as to make use of everyday of this terrific Year of the Fire Dog. While Nukie's interpretation is pretty par for the (Male) course, the real significance of the year of the dog isn't quite so...doggy.http://nukie310.blogspot.com

2006 is indeed the Year of the Dog. This year is a great chance to make real progress in your life. The Dog is loyal and trustworthy and that can be translated as "steady progress". This isn't a good year for "get rich quick" schemes, and anything that isn't built on solid ground may end up falling away during this year. But this is a great year to work on the long term (5 year or 10 year goals).

There is a saying that "It's great to build castles in the sky, just put foundations under them". And that's the best way to make the most of a Dog Year. Write specific, detailed goals down, so that the substeps can be clarified, this way it will be easier to see if the goals may have some unforseen snags or blocks that need to be worked out. This is not a good year for risks or unplanned spur of the moment ventures. Don't spread your resources out too thinly in this year.

This is the year to fix, mend or invest in those things that are essential to your life. Home, car, career, family. This is the year to clean out those basements, tune up the car, or take a course or certificate program. Family can be strengthened with a little time and attention there as well.
The more solid you make these aspects of your life, the more you can advance them in a Dog Year.

The lesson of the Dog is to stick with the tried-and-true.
Also the Dog teaches us not to take the things we have in life for granted - just as a dog will bark loudly (or in Kimmy's case tear up the Rubbertree plant) when it wants attention, the Dog Year will make those neglected areas of our life a big headache if not taken care of.

The Fire aspect of this year relates to the year of the Yang. This relates to Fame or general reputation. This is a good year to update hairstyles, wardrobe or business cards. This year highlights our "face we present to the world", in other words: your image. And this also presents an opportunity to spruce up your career sector. Maybe with a class or two, a conference or a seminar. If your self-employed this is a good year to review the books and tighten up bookkeeping along with housekeeping.

The bottom line for the Dog is this: it will highlight what in your life is working, and what isn't. So, you can be the pruner, or let fate prune for you. This may be especially harsh in a Yang year.

What this may mean for the outside world in general: harsh weather pattern and stock market fluctuations.

So woof, woof, woof. Make the most of this opportune time.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."

Astro Hammy

Just Some Rambles

2006-01-27T02:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Friday morning and I face the same Friday morning dilemma. What to do with 1/2 a sandwich. It would be so much easier if both kids liked the same things to eat. If I try to make each one a sandwich from one slice of bread, then the sandwich is too thick. If I save the other half, by Monday it will be stale. Sigh. These are the kinds of things I think about at 5:56 in the morning. Usually I stay in bed listening to NPR for a while, but the Spring semester has started and I'm too nervous to sleep, or stay in bed today. I keep thinking, "Do I have the ability to do this, again?" But the answer keeps coming back, "What choice do you have?"

I think about my blog posts and laugh a little. I sometimes wish I were the type of person who didn't care about the things going on "out there". It would be so much easier just to go around life oblivious, or not caring about it all. Sometimes I cruise around to other people's blogs and am a little envious. "Why can't I just write about things like that?" I think. But then I hear a news story, or read something...and it starts all over. "All animals are created equal, Some are just more equal than others." And I just can't stomach the pablum they try to feed me. Just too much, inequity, disregard, too much abuse of power. I can't pretend. Can't pretend I don't care about the downward direction my country is going. So, I write. Do I really think I'm going to change anything??

Ron has called and cancelled our gym session, he's sick. I think, "I wonder if I passed it on to him?" even though I stayed home Monday, so he wouldn't catch anything. So Now what do I do? I should work off this nervous energy and go to the gym. But the gym is across the street from Barnes & Noble...how do I know the car will actually make it to the gym. Without Ron waiting, I'm just so lazy. I think about Runningman and say to myself, "Just get in touch with your Inner Marine." And laugh a little. Discipline is not my strong point. If I stay here I'll just work myself up over what has to be done this coming semester. I keep telling myself, "Just take it one day at a time." But somehow all the tests and papers and those Goddamn group projects all roll into one big ball and I think, "I can't do this, I just can't do this." But I know I will, somehow. And I just want to cry from the sheer magnitude of it all.

Sometimes I think, "How did this all happen? Where did this life come from?" I know I didn't plan things this way. Before panic turns to despair I stop thinking, and picture myself sitting in the old church I used to go to when I was a child. I used to pass it on the way home from school; back then churches were always open during the day, so I'd stop in. It was so nice and quiet that I could hear the candles burning. Once the heavy wooden door closed, all the street noises and children's voices would disappear. I would slip my hand in the cool marble Holy Water font and bless myself as I walked in. I always walked up the middle aisle. Some people would say to me that it was disrespectful - especially when you went to leave. "You shouldn't turn your back on Jesus!" A few times I tried walking out backwards, so I could leave still facing him. But finally I decided those people were just full of shit. I would start by sitting in one of the back pews. But not the very last one. I would just sit and look around at the architecture. I loved the high vaulted ceilings and the stained glass windows (the real ones, not those crappy modern abstract ones). I looked up at the lights hanging from their long slim black cords. I would drink it all in and smell the smells of years of wax and incense mingled together in the air. Usually I had the place to myself. Every once in a while there would be some little old lady, dressed in black, saying the rosary on a pair of black beads. Sometimes there'd be someone from the Parish Office walking through, and they'd stop and look at me suspiciously, wondering if I was up to no good. But most of the time it was just me. Eventually I would work my way up toward the front pews. But not the very first one. I would sit and look at Him and He would look at me. Sometimes I would be there twenty minutes or longer. We would just look at each other. Nothing needs to be said, I reasoned. He already knows. Somehow talking just seemed redundant. Before I left I would go up to the marble railing around the altar (those hadn't yet been ripped out, in the misguided post Vatican II travesty). I would lay the side of my face on the cool marble for a few minutes and then I would leave. Sometimes I left out the side door, so that no one from school would see me. I would walk down the street to the drugstore with my 15 cents and buy a Butterfinger, and then I'd slip a nickel in the weight scale out in front of the store, the one that also told your fortune. Then I'd go home.

The Peanut Gallery of Political Pundits

2006-01-26T05:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess now that Hillary has gone and insulted the Bush White House and the Republican's but good, it stands to reason in the minds of many that she is looking to cast her hat in the political arena come election time.

Ya know, I once knew a guy who was an even bigger conspiracy theory buff than me. A pleasure to talk to. He used ta get my eyes sparkling sometimes. He once told me a story that the CIA (or some such group like that) gathered the Clinton's and the Bushes together - before any of 'em were in the White House - and they had a meeting. According to my friend an agreement of sorts was made. Basically shunting the White House back and forth between them all.

At the time, I didn't give this too much thought. H.W. had been beaten by what seemed to be a landslide victory for Clinton. Iraq was a disaster, and it seemed that whole Bush legacy was washed right up. Clinton was a fairly popular guy, and he hadn't had his famous or I should say infamous blowjob yet. But he was only 1 term in office at that time.
I hadn't even heard anything major about old Dubya, other than he was a half sloshed, coke snorting Governor of Texas. I didn't think he was all that popular in his own state, much less as a Republican Presidential Candidate. And Hillary, well - no one really seemed to appreciate her butting in with that Health Care thing and all. As the years passed however, I started to wonder about what my friend had said. At each step of the way I thought, "No way Clinton will get a second term." But he did. Then came Dubya. I thought "Well, Clinton smoking pot was one thing, but Dubya was arrested for DWI and went into rehab for coke. No way he'll get elected." But he was. Then I thought "Well, the country has had enough time to see what a f**king menace he is, no way he'll get re-elected." But he was. Then came Hillary. As a NYS resident I can tell you she has done little else but show up where she can have a pair of scissors in her hand and a photographer nearby. She hadn't made any moves toward Pennsylvania Avenue either. Until this week. Then she's balls to the wall and coming out swinging.

My friend said to me (way back then) "Think about this. If what I'm saying is true, we will have had the White House controlled by the same 2 families for 2 decades...twenty years of just 2 families controlling the White House." And I laughed and said..."No waaaaaay!!"

H.W. 4 years
Billy Boy 8 years
Dubya 8 years (unless we luck out)

Total: 20 years
And now it's Hillary's turn.

MM-mmm-mmm
X-Filed Hammy

There Is A House In New Orleans

2006-01-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

From NPR:
January 23, 2006 ·
"The author Kurt Vonnegut has been looking to the future through his writing ever since the publication of his first novel, Player Piano. The story tells of a time when men are displaced by machines in the workplace. Society is reduced to a managing class and a consuming class. His books have often included an element of science fiction, including his most famous work, Slaughterhouse-Five.
As part of the Long View series on Morning Edition, (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5165342 )Vonnegut, 83, looks back with Steve Inskeep at how society has changed in the last 50 years.
Short Hammy excerpt from the audio interview on NPR's website:

Steve Inskeep: "Mr Vonnegut you're fortunate and rare in a way in that more than half a century ago you began writing novels, some of which were classified as science fiction or seemed to be a kind of cock-eyed forecast of the future; and then you've had time to look back and see if any part of those predictions came true. I'm thinking of your first published novel, Player Piano. You wrote about a world in which things were still being produced but they were being done automatically, so there weren't jobs for most people and they were just given allowances (do I hear Welfare/Medicaid anyone???) and reduced to being nothing but consumers. People didn't exist to do anything except buy consumer products and keep the economy going. Has any part of that turned out to be true do you think?"

Kurt Vonnegut: (Laughing) All of it!! Where have you been??

Vonnegut's latest book, published in 2005, is a series of essays and speeches called A Man Without a Country.

Hm-mm, very interesting isn't it?
Pondering Ham

P.S. I guess Vonneguts too old for them to kill now, in any case he shouldn't be a threat for too much longer...then again if the No Child Left Behind Act keeps working as well as it has been most kids won't be able to read Vonnegut anyway....unless they come out with a video game version of the books....Grand Theft Vonnegut....Battlestar Vonnegut 5....

The 3 Not So Little Pigs

2006-01-25T05:41:00.000-08:00

Well Firestarter 5 got me thinking about "The Big 3".
As a daughter of a former GM worker I've kinda had all I can stomach with the pablum spouting going on with GM and now Ford. One thing people need to know how to do is speak "Corporate Lingo". When a corporation says "We have lost (insert absurd dollar amount)." We average people think they started the count at Zero and are now "In the red". No, no, no. They started the dollar count at last years profit margin. So when Ford Motor Company says, "We have lost one Billion dollars." What they really mean is that they only made 2 Billion dollars PROFIT instead of 3 Billion dollars profit. (Verify that at NPR) And when General Motors says "We are losing market share and $1000 per day, and will be bankrupt within three years." What that really means is if they never sell another car or make another dime and just coast off the $25 Billion dollars CASH RESERVE they have in the bank, they will be bankrupt of LIQUID ASSETS in three years time. (Verify that at MSN)

Puts a whole nuther spin on it doesn't it??

What they conveniently leave out is the disgustingly excessive salaries, bonuses, stock options, paid housing, paid cars and other ridiculously lavish perks that the top heavy Executive members AND Board of Directors receive annually - not to mention the stock dividends paid to those who own and hold the company's preferred stock (Oh! It just happens to be the same people!) (FS 5 has some of those figures, the rest are easily found on the internet)

They like to blame their woes on the lowly working stiff, who gets paid about $45 - 52,000 a year gross including their healthcare coverage if they work full-time hours.
They like to blame the unions, too.

However, has anyone noticed Toyota has plants in the US and has the same workers, the same unions, the same healthcare benefits, and still manages to gain market share every year.

Maybe that's because Toyota makes cars people want to buy, or maybe its because Toyota doesn't pay all its many top executives multimillion dollar salaries regardless of performance, or maybe its because Toyota takes competition seriously and didn't dismiss decades of trends showing other car manufacturers gaining market share.

Working in a plant, on an assembly line is a gruelling and shitty job. My father (and a lot of other people) busted his ass, lost his hearing, ruined his back and knees working night shift, evening shift and finally day shifts - day in and day out making cars for thirty years in an ear splittingly loud, greasy, dirty, smelly place that was hot as hell in the summer and cold in the winter. Then every 3 years they had to fight every contract as if it were being written from scratch. The company would sit down and "negotiate" every contract by saying "Were losing money. You need to take pay cuts and cut benefits or we are closing/laying off/moving to Mexico." When the union would point out that the Big Guys still got their bonuses the answer would be "We need to give them that money in order to retain them for their expertise." This was in the 70's and amazingly the tune hasn't change much, only now it's moving to China.

American car companies know how to do only one thing well, line the pockets of the top people - including Board Members and Preferred Stock Holders. They know how to lobby Politicians and keep greasing the wheels of Washington. They consistently crank out big gas guzzling pigs year after year, the quality is poor and the designs are stagnant. The last person in the American auto industry that had an innovative idea was John "I wanna be a coke dealer" Delorean. The "Big 3" have ignored the rise of foreign auto makers (and even laughed at their efforts at one point in time) to their detriment. They have failed to use technology for much more than CD players and seat positioning. Ford still makes cars that have crank windows as a standard part of a package.

Not one single car manufactuer has made use of developing technology to reduce gas consumption to a significant degree and not one has utilized any reasonable design ability to alter the internal combustion engine in order to make it possible for a car to run on something else. The internal combustion engine design is a century old technology. We have the ability to run cars off something else, but who wants to do that when most of the top political families (not to mention many of the fabulously wealthy) make their money off petroleum?

I hate to rip the blinders off anyone, but the truth is out there...and it ain't coming from the mouths of the spin doctors at GM and Ford.

But then again....it's just my onion pi.....

Spin Doctored Out Hammy

One little P.S. on this...it's nice that they blame the healthcare plans of the retirees for all their woes as well, what they fail to mention is contract after contract the workers traded off wage increases in order to "buy" those healthcare benefits after retirement. To say the company executives (true quote) "failed to calculate those future costs" makes me wonder what the hell kind of "experts" they have running that show, not to mention the accountants whose job it is to do that very thing. It's also nice that once the workers have fulfilled their end of the deal (i.e. slaved their butts off for thirty years, and spent their youth and health in the process) that the company can now say "Oh, we can't hold up our end of that deal...sorry!" That's shit in my opinion. One caveat - yes, I agree we need a national healthcare plan...but that's a whole nuther blog post and that has nothing to do with this particular smoke and mirror show.

Archie's Birthday Party

2006-01-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

This week "Archie" celebrated his birthday. We celebrated in shifts, in order to separate the "germie" family members (The Ham-ster family) from the "Non-germie" family members (everyone else).

Archie and Edith just had their third (Yes, third) toilet replaced earlier in the week. To be fair, they do have three bathrooms in the house. But there is something very weird about this family and toilets....anyway, Edith had to find another plumber, because she permanently pissed off the one we had been using. So, as we were polishing off the birthday cake and ice cream, Archie starts telling us how offended he was that the plumber who came over had this big-time butt crack showing. Being that Nukie and I were both at the same table, and both just happen to have a blog...we just jumped right in on this conversation:

Archie: "...and I couldn't believe that this guy had this crack showing, and right there with the kids and all, I don't think were going to call him back."

Hammy: "You mean, that isn't part of the code?? I thought they had to have a butt crack showing? At least they do if they're refridgerator repair men. I'm not sure about washer and dryer repair men, though."

Edith: "Well, he was definitely better than that other plumber that came first. He looked like he was HOMELESS, and he SMELLED."

Archie: "Yeah, but he sure knew his plumbing."

Edith: "He didn't even WASH his HANDS when he finished. He left with them all DIRTY."

Nukie: "Well, maybe he was going to wipe them off on the car upholstery."

Hammy: "So I take it ya Didn't shake good-bye, then huh?"

Nukie: "Well, I guess ya gotta decide if ya want The Butt Crack Guy or the The Homeless Smelly Guy."

Hammy: "If ya want a clean plumber with pants that fit ya have ta pay extra for that I guess..."

Archie: (Laughing) "Yeah, yeah...I guess so."

I decided not to mention that the plumber Edith managed to permanently piss off had pants that fit just fine and he washed...his only problem was he drank ....and was somewhat unreliable....and kept changing what he charged ya for services rendered....ahem.

Anyway, I thought Nuke would jump all over this one, but maybe he's reached his quota for toilet stories from the homefront. So, as the saying goes "Never waste a good blog story." (I made that up, there is no saying like that....but there should be.)

Hammy

Back from the dead...

2006-01-24T07:22:00.000-08:00

Well, the kids flu bug caught me...yuk! I'm usually pretty resiliant but every once in a while I take a hit. A couple of things I noticed whilst being ill:

1. Mom's are necessary in order to keep the shorter and younger members of the household from recreating the Island in The Lord of the Flies.

2. A sick parent housed with well children is a far worse torture than the CIA, KBG or any Terrorist organization will ever, ever devise.

3. When you are ill, none of the shit around the house/work/rest of the world goes away...it just waits for you to return.

4. Not even coffee or chocolate tastes good when you are sick.

5. Puking is no fun, but neither is diarrhea.

Green Eggs and Ham

For WDKY: Romance

2006-01-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

Sonnet

First time he kissed me, he but only kissed

the fingers of this hand wherewith I write;

and ever since, it grew more clean and white,

slow to world-greetings, quick with its "Oh, list",

when the angels speak. A ring of amethyst

I could not wear here, plainer to my sight,

than that first kiss. The second passed in height

the first, and sought the forehead, and half missed,

half falling on the hair. O beyond meed!

That was the chrism of love, which love's own crown,

with sanctifying sweetness, did precede.

The third upon my lips was folded down

in perfect, purple state; since when indeed,

I have been proud and said, "My love, my own."

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Wish it were my work, but it's not.

P.S. To people who know what I look like, No, the picture is not me...it's John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

...And "meed" means reward or recompense...in case yer wondering and yer not inclined to get a dictionary and look it up...

Romantic Hammy

Those Yahoo's!

2006-01-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it doesn't surprise me that the Bush government is trying to subpoena private internet search records (I figured it was just a matter of time). What does surprise me is that America Online, Yahoo and Microsoft turned their records over without so much as a fuss. Google, on the other hand, said "No." (Yeah, Google!)

George's buddy, Alberto Gonzales, who unfortunately for us just happens to be our relatively new Attorney General of the United States is pursuing these requests for database records.

Ari Schwartz (of the Center for Democracy and Technology) said the case is a wake-up call to all internet users that "information was being collected on them all the time and was stored indefinitely."

Ya think I should be more subtle when I do a search for photo's of King George using the search terms "Satan's Spawn" or "Tool of the Puppet Master Cheney"??

Just as an experiment I went through the entire alphabet on the Google search bar, one letter at a time, and was more than a little disturbed to see searches I had made over two years ago "pop up" in the window, just by putting in one letter of the alphabet.

Not to be paranoid, but I don't trust the bastards. Never have, never will. I'm also not happy to see the length of time those databases stay in effect.
The Bush administration seems to have no problems with chipping away at privacy a little at a time under the disguise of "patriotism" or some other "public good". Fine, until the day comes when they haul you out of your house in the middle of the night. I would laugh at that last line - except I know somewhere on this globe that very thing is taking place as we speak - and it's not always being done by "the other guys".

Anyway, Massachusetts Rep. Edward Markey is planning on introducing a bill that would prohibit long term storage of personally identifiable information from internet searches. If your so inclined, and ya tend to agree, ya might want to drop him a line in support of that proposal.

But as always...it's just my onion pi.....

P.S. Has anyone else noticed the Spellchecker on this blog site is damn near useless???

Bush-whacked Ham

Gone Fishin' (sort of)

2006-01-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

Bad week at the Hammy household...sick kids!

The L, W & W...

2006-01-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I have to say it's been a few decades since I read that story, but the movie was fantabulous! (Aside from the fact we were sitting in front of the Loud Family, and their kid kept kicking the back of my seat! Grr-rrr-rr....) But that aside, the movie rocked! The characters were very well done, both human and otherwise. And that Witch! Man, was she Eeeeeevil... (reminds me of a boss I once had...).
Surprisingly Hollywood hasn't ruined the crap out of the storyline either!!
The computer graphics weren't over the top, the children's casting was spot on, the scenery was realistic in it's fantastical approach, and the story moved along nicely, not to mention a deliciously Good and Evil storyline.

What I love most about movies like this is that Good triumphs over Evil. And that's how I like things to be. (Warning: this may be a bit of a spoiler if you haven't seen the movie...) At the part where Aslan appears on the steps, death conquered, his resurrected self restored to full glory with the blazing sun shining behind him, I found myself sitting in the theater with tears streaming down my face. (Fortunately it was dark and the seats were high).

I'm sure my Christ archetype was being tapped into. Lewis was considered a Christian writer, so the allegory throughout the movie was pretty difficult to miss, but for me that is what made it so great. (What a great alternative way to illustrate the story of redemption.) Some say the seven books of the Chronicles actually correlate one book with each of the seven deadly sins (pride, greed, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony and sloth).
The L, W & W presumably touches upon the sin of gluttony, as the Turkish Delight ensnares Edmond into the service of the Witch.
Edmond was an "everyman" type of character. A little bit selfish, a little bit jealous, a little bit self serving. While he was not evil, for a while his acts unwittingly allowed evil to flourish nonetheless.

I don't know all the in's and out's of religious dogmas, all I know, is in the end Good will triumph over Evil.
I don't know when, and I guess I really don't know how. But at that moment, in the Regal theater, sitting in front of little Katie-kick-the-seat-in-front-of-me and in between my popcorn stuffed, M&M laced children; at that moment that the resurrected Aslan appeared on the steps - As I sat there tear streaked, I knew in my heart that one day all of this grinding pervasive Evil was doomed to fall. And it will happen whether or not I'm here to see that day. Just like the White Witch of Narnia lost her reign, no Evil has the ability to outlast Good. That's the hope that fuels me. And movies like this fuel that hope.

But it's just my Onion pi............

Turkishly Delighted Hammy

Tagged!!!

2006-01-13T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am dull, really. But here goes:

4 Jobs I have had

Nurse
Skip tracer
Bartender
Baker (As in a Bakery, LOL)
I was once hired as a Playboy Bunny (in the old days) but Chickened Out before I started. Actually, I was afraid my Father would Kill Me!!! (The tail was cute though.)

4 Places I have lived

Where I am Now (The Queen City in The Empire State)
Ditto
Ditto
Ditto (I told You I was Dull)

4 Tv Shows I like

(Yer really gonna hate me now, I don't watch TV...But if I do...)

PBS Mystery
Almost Anything on the History Channel
An Occasional Retro TV Show (To Relive My Youth)
An Occasional TV Show on the Fly When I Need to Let My Brain Melt A Little.

4 Places I have Gone To On Vacation

Toronto, Canada
San Francisco, California
Cincinnati, Ohio (For the Summer Opera)
Tijuana (Where I caught Montezuma's Revenge)

4 Web Sites I Visit Daily

"The Blogs"
Google News
My UB
My Bank (Keep track of all the robbing Peter to pay Paul)

4 Favorite Foods

Chocolate
Coffee (I'm Counting it Anyway)
Chicken
Pasta (Well, wadja expect???)

4 Places I would Like to be Right Now

In a certain person's arms
London
Italy
Baltimore, MD (To See Queen Snarfetta)

4 People I don't Like

Wow! Most of Washington, D.C.
Paris Hilton
Martha Stewart
Brangelina

I am going to tag Nukie, WDKY, Queen Snarfetta (You can answer in My Comment section), Chuckster and Runningman. (If they will consent to answer).

Tagged Hammy

See Ya'll after the Weekend

Viva La Difference!

2006-01-13T05:22:00.000-08:00

One thing I have definitely noticed since starting this blog, and cruising around checking out other peoples sites: men and women are very, very different. Not that I didn't know that before, but the internet has a way of really bringing that to the forefront.

Hammy

Hammy Fact #1

2006-01-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

Hi! I am ridiculously busy today so this is going to be a shorty.

Ham Fact: I once had a boss SOOOO EVIL that I used to sprinkle myself with Holy Water before going in for my annual review. (Word.)

Ham On The Run
(At least I'm not Ham With The Runs...)

In Case Yer Wondering Why Yer Gas Bills Are So High....

2006-01-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today's blog post was prompted by the NPR morning news story about the Securities and Exchange Commission which is considering new rules on divulging executive pay. A little "blurby" mentioned that Exxons No. 1 man, Lee R. Raymond, was earning $80 Million dollars in cash and "other incentives" - like stock options (and all those other little ways the rich have of adding to their net worth while hiding it from the IRS). And those figures were from 2004. Raymond ranked 7th on the 2004 list of highest paid CEO's. (That's 7th people....) Of course, that was all this Ham-ster had to hear, as I was hauling my keester out of bed this morning. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5148985

So, I did a little math. $80 Mill would gross $1,538,461.54 per week. Meaning he would be earning $307,692.30 a day, or $38,461.54 an hour.

What this means, is that when Raymond takes a shit at work, let's say the entire process takes 15 minutes...He earns $9,615.38 while he takes that corporate crap. Not too shabby for wiping yer ass.

I wonder what the No. 1 guy earns while he takes a dump?

On last month's fuel bill I wrote "You bloodsucking bastards!" across it, before stuffing it in the envelope along with my extortion money.
Childish? Oh, yeah...you bet.
Did it make me feel better? Oh, yeah...you bet.
Justified? Well....it's just my onion pi, but....you bet.

Pork Fried Ham

(P.S. Hope the link works. I'm moving through this techie world a little at a time here people, so cut me some slack.)

I'd like to nominate...

2006-01-10T19:03:00.000-08:00

What's worse than having George Dubya in office?? Having George Dunderhead excrete two Supreme Court Justices prior to leaving office. Sigh. Two. That's TWO! As if John Roberts wasn't bad enough, now we have Sam Alito going through the Senatorial dog and pony show. Sam is so conservative He makes Ronald Reagan (his old boss) look like a radical leftist.

Well ladies, we should be pregnant, barefoot and back in the kitchen any day now. (Not a single word Nukie...not one single word!) But we'll be in good company because Sam doesn't like criminal defendants, foreign nationals, consumers or employees either.

Christ! Rehnquist stayed on the bench until he was practically embalmed, and O'Connor...one of the only MODERATE (not to mention the only female) justices we have had on the bench in the last twenty years is retiring at 75 years old.

All I can say is....Filibuster the shit out of him!

Well, #2 on Runningman's Top Ten list says "Never bring a problem to a supervisor without a solution to solve it." So, I'm submitting MY nominees for Supreme Court Justice. In light of the last appointed VERY conservative Justice Roberts, I have picked those whom I feel will moderate the balance. I have three in mind. Surely one of them will do....

Spammy

Today; Part 2

2006-01-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

Well the old girl is back home. The conversation on the ride back to the dealer's centered around Opera (which was pretty nice) As you can imagine, I don't get much of a chance to "talk opera" with many people. The good news is the bill wasn't too bad, most of it was covered under warranty. However, the bad news is I need an entire new DVD system ordered. (I upgraded to the Parents Sanity Package and ordered the built-in DVD) Sigh. Fortunately it is covered under warranty, but it should be considering the car isn't even 2 years old. The old girl knows I love her, but chances are she's going to be my LAST General Motors car. They just suck! The quality is so bad. I stopped "buying" cars about 5 years ago, and just lease them now. The quality is so poor that I just don't want to "own" the problem, I prefer to "rent" the problem temporarily.

On the way back I passed Barnes and Noble. A place which houses 3 of my very favorite Hammy things under one roof: Coffee, Chocolate and Books. Since the car is custom programmed to drive toward any one of those three things the old girl brought me right to the front door as expected. Besides, I needed to work on New Year's Resolution #3, the one about eating "good" chocolate and skipping the crappy stuff. So anyway, there I am, purchases in hand, hovering around the check-out area thinking to myself, "Now, how am I going to justify these purchases (New Year's Resolutions aside) that I want to make?" When a man walks by with his big bag of stuff and says to his wife, "Well, this ought to keep me out of trouble for a while." Bingo! From his mouth to my ears.

Truffle Stuffed Hammy
(Ron the Personal Trainer is going to loooove that come Wednesday morning at the Gym....)

Pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

2006-01-09T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had the most amazing morning. I had to take the old girl into the dealer to be looked at. (She's not really old, but...it's a long story) The brakes are doing funny things and the oil needs changing anyway. I usually wait for the car to be finished, and just take something to read with me, but I had come from the gym and forgot to bring something to do. So, I took the shuttle car offered by the service manager, and was driven home by the same guy that shuttled me the last couple of times I had the car in for service. He is a retired chemical engineer from Columbia, and we always manage to have great conversations. This time, as we were leaving the car lot I noticed a bird perched on the wire high above us. I pointed it out to him and he asked me if I knew what it was ( I suspected it was a hawk of some kind, but it looked too small) turns out I was right, he said it was a red-tailed hawk. That got us on the conversation of birds, which is great because I have always harbored a secret desire to become one of those goony, binocular laden, guide book carrying bird watchers. I described some of the birds I have noticed around my house and he knew the names and characteristics of most of them. (I usually get red winged blackbirds, blue jays, morning doves, hummingbirds and geese - that I can easily identify). He asked me if I thought it was strange that a chemical engineer would be interested in nature. I said no, because the chemical world had so much to do with nature and natural elements - even if it just meant maipulating those elements - with good or bad results. The subject kind of segued into the environment as he told me about a trip he had made to inspect an aluminum producing plant that had caused the tops of the nearby trees surrounding it to become burnt by the by-products of the aluminum production. He said as he walked around he thought to himself, something is wrong, something is missing. And then he realized it was the loons. There weren't any. When the tops of the trees broke off and fell into the water, the acid created killed the minnows in the lake. The frogs, who fed off the minnows went next and then the loons and other birds. He said that even though the water was clear - you could see right down to the bottom of the lake - there wasn't a sign of life in it at all. The lake was "dead". He said that from the mid-1980's they had passed legislation that has now helped turn the area around. And some of the life has started to come back into the lake. It's amazing how much damage we can cause. One little tiny break in the chain has such a domino effect. It's easy to think of nature as being hearty, and resiliant, because it is. But it's also a lot more delicate than we realize. Oops, now I'm talking like one of those dreaded "environmentalists"! Anyway, what I find so cool, is everyone has a story if your willing to listen. Everyone has something to say that makes you think or teaches you something - about the world around you, or yourself in some cases. I once read a syndicated columnist from the Orlando Review (? can't recall) write a column stating that anyone who wasn't a person of note (like a lawyer, a journalist, or a university professor) had no business having a blog, and should be ignored. I almost cut out that column to save. She was an idiot. Everyone can teach you something. Buddha's are everywhere - thank God! My favorite bird story he told me, was the one about the "Engineer bird". The male builds a nest by crossing two shafts of a tall plant together and padding the bottom with colorful feathers and objects. Then if a female walks through the nest (that is - she approves) she's his.
The red-tail hawk apparently offers a fresh kill to a female he has his eye on. If she takes it from him, then their a pair. Kind of cool, huh? What a fun morning. I hope the old girl is doing just as well. And I hope the bill (and I don't mean a bird bill) isn't a hair-raiser.

Pensive Ham

Just a slice of pi

2006-01-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.
At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail Unwillingly to school.
And then the lover, Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad Made to his mistress' eyebrow.
Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard, Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth.
And then the justice, In fair round belly with good capon lined, With eyes severe and beard of formal cut, Full of wise saws and modern instances; And so he plays his part.
The sixth age shifts Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon, With spectacles on nose and pouch on side, His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice, Turning again toward childish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history,Is second childishness and mere oblivion,Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Fortunate Son

2006-01-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

Some Folks are Born Made to Wave the Flag,

Ooo they're Red, White and Blue,

And When the Band Plays "Hail To The Chief",

Ooo they Point the Canon at You, Lord.

Well, It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me

I Ain't No Senator's Son, Son.

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me,

I Ain't No Fortunate One.

Some Folks are Born, Silver Spoon in Hand.

Lawd, Don't They Help Themselves, Ya'll.

But When the Tax Man Comes to the Door,

Lawd, the House Look Like a Rummage Sale.

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me,

I Ain't No Millionaires Son, No, No.

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me,

I Ain't No Fortunate One.

Some Folks Inherit Star Spankled Eyes,

Ooo they Send You Down to War.

And When You Ask Them, "How Much Should We Give?"

Ooo, they Only Answer, More, More More.

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me.

I Ain't No Fortunate One.

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me,

I Ain't No Fortunate Son.

-John Fogarty

I hope ya'll enjoy this one as much as I do!

See Ya After the Week-end.

Very Smiling Hammy

Not Again, Pat!

2006-01-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post is about "God", so some of you might just want to turn around and leave now. For those of you who wish to stay, I'm just making a notation that I use the terms "God" and "He" because it makes it easier to describe a concept. I need to refer to this "Divine Mass of Energy and Intelligent Existence" as something - and the term "God" works well enough for me.
However, the "He" thing is just because I need a pronoun and we live in a patriarchal society. I really don't believe "God" can really be "limited" by something as crazy as a gender. If you're OK with this...then proceed. - Hammy.

Well, you wouldn't think it was possible to do, but I hear Pat Robertson has topped the "Hugo Chavez assassination Request" comment, made one August on his TV program "The 700 Club" . His current comment is about Ariel Sharon's hemorrhagic stroke being "divine punishment for dividing God's land."
Woo. People like him just make me shudder. What a crass, insensitive and stupid thing to say. Not to mention incendiary, anti-Semitic and cruel. (What an ignorant ass.) In the past, he had referred to Sharon as "a very tender-hearted man and a good friend." Jeez. With friends like that who needs enemies? I don't see much difference between this action and the actions of those who celebrated the deaths and destruction of the Twin Towers. They believed that event was also God's "divine retribution" on the Great Satan that is the United States.

Ya know, when I first started this blog, I figured I was going to comment on things that were mostly political. I hadn't really made up my mind about whether or not to comment about "religious issues" because I know there are so many fruity cakes out there; with a Bible propped in one hand (verse at the ready) and and a (figurative, or sometimes literal) gun in the other hand. Just a blastin' away. Trying to "make their point" all over the place. Using a Bible like a weapon - just waiting to tear somebody "less holy" apart. Flinging verses all over the place like throwing knives. I have known many of these people in the past and they are as obtuse and retrograde as they come.

My ex used to say, "There is none so blind as those who will not see." And they're all so sure they have the answers. The privileged few. If you try to tell them any different - about anything - then your branded with a whole host of names they use (much like "environmentalist" is used to discredit, slander and marginalize anyone who cares about the water they drink and the air they breathe). This way, none of them will have to open their minds enough to actually THINK about what is being said. They can leave their minds snapped shut - tighter than a misers wallet. Like the Bad Guest at a party, they suddenly decide they have the right to start limiting who gets in and who doesn't, act like they own the place, and are obnoxious as all hell.

I once heard a preacher say "Religion" is man's attempt at pulling God down, stuffing Him in a compartment (never mind about all those parts that don't fit in very well - we can just leave those out), slapping a label on the outside of it and saying "This is what God is. This is what God says. This is what God likes and doesn't like, and I have the answers and if you say or think otherwise - then you don't know God." (Personally, I don't think anyone with two hands and two feet is capable of taking on that kind of job.) "Spirituality", however, is man's attempt to reach out and touch the Divine.

I always liked that. I wish I could remember who said it, so as to give them credit, but I refer back to it often when I have the rare, but unpleasant occasion of dealing with "religious" people.

I always felt or thought, that "God" or whatever..."Something"...existed, and I decided I wanted to know what that thing was - without anyone defining it for me. So, I started looking for God.

To make a long story short, basically I found that if I looked...I found Him, and I found Him in many places. Whether I sat in a "Church" a "Cathedral" a "Synagogue" or a "Temple"..."He" was there...In all of them. I'm not one of those people who is so smugly sure I have "The Answer", have a bead on "God" and a good idea of whose going to the nice place or the nasty place or any other place. I know there are plenty of people out there who are quite sure they have all that information...and more. All I know is if I looked for "Him"...He was there. I don't pretend to have the answers, but I figured if God doesn't need to be limited by labels, then why should I. So, if anyone really needs to slap a label on me I tell 'em I'm a Born Again Roman Catholic Jewish Buddhist. And let them figure it out.

I decided that God's vest has many pockets. And that's kind of where I leave it. God is a concept that is way too big for me (or anyone else, really) to crunch down into nice little easy sound bites. I don't know what God is. I don't know what God wants, or thinks or who's invited to the party, or even if there is a party. How do I know? I do know God is there; inside me and outside me, and all around me. I know God loves me, I know God laughs at me (I think He really gets a kick out of old Hammy sometimes), I know God protects me, I know God guides me, I know God waits for me....to seek Him out and when I do God is there. He's always been there. There is nothing any one of these goofballs can say or do to shake me from the truth that God loves me (and everyone else by the way) and He is happy with me, and if He isn't....He'll tell me. He always does. He always has. And not with strokes and evilness, either.

I know that God isn't out there setting trip wires or landmines for me, He's not whipping out a scorecard every five minutes - adding and deducting points throughout the day, God isn't perched there waiting to pounce on me when I "fuck up", God isn't sitting around cooking up mad evil schemes every day, God isn't insecure, hateful and neurotic like many of the people who claim to be following Him are. And I know God sure as shit isn't "talking" to all the people who claim to be "talking" to Him!

I don't know this god of Hate; this vengeful, cruel and sadistic thing that Pat Robertson calls "God". I don't know this god who strikes people down with strokes, and waits like a big Cosmic Flyswatter, just waiting for one false move. If Pat Robertson's God has some answers for the Middle East then why doesn't He speak up? They're trying their best to create some kind of workable peace in an area filled with fanatics, mercenaries and terrorists and could sure use some constructive and useful help. Christ! Who wants to believe in a God that keeps his mouth shut until you do something wrong and then whacks the crap out of you? What a psycho version of God!
All I can say, is if that version of God is the real thing, and if all of "those people" are going to be packing Heaven like sardines...Then they can have it.
Because it sounds like Hell to me.

But...It's just my onion pi.

I Ain't Florence Nightingale

2006-01-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well my "Need Ta Git It Off Ma Chest" blog post has created quite a furor with old WayneDawg and the ladies, Kimmyk and Queen Snarfetta! I just love it when ya'll come to my aid! It's touching, ladies! But I'm cool. Wayne is no different from a lot of people who aren't in the healthcare field. The "image" of the stereotypical Nurse gets crossed with other archetypes like your Mom and your Kindergarten Teacher. (Or crossed with fantasies of the Soap Opera Nurse Hottie) Wayne just hadn't had his expectations met, and it threw him a little. Wayne, my friend. Ya'll got a little confused. You mistook venting for job dislike, or job burnout. No, no no, my friend. It is precisely that venting (and I'll grant you that a blog is a very public venting place) that enables me to look those people in the eye, take care of them with real and true compassion, and never let them feel they are a pain in my rear end. I am glad for you that you are happy in yer job. I can't imagine what ya'll do, that ya never have a bad day, never git pissed or feel like singing Twisted Sister's song "We're Not Gonna Take It" while you jump up and down on the desk top, swing from the fluorescent lighting - jump down, moon yer boss and run from the place screaming "Take This Job and Shove It, I Ain't Workin' Here No More". So whatever it is you have found - Well, God-Allah-Jesus-Jehovah-Buddha-Shiva Bless ya man! I love what I do. I don't love it every minute of the Goddarn day, every day of the year. But I feel that way about my kids, too! Shit. (Somedays ya wish ya could send 'em back!)

Wayne, Obviously yer not a Cop, a Social Worker, a Psychiatrist, a Teacher, a Paramedic or a whole host of other jobs that take incredible amounts of heart and soul to perform day in and day out, with a lot of bureaucratic red tape, bullshit, disappointment, fatigue and heartache. Jobs that require "Black Humor" (no, I'm not talking about color or race here) to get through it, jobs that require venting and sometimes some serious tears.

I have done this for 13 years my friend. This is my 2nd career. I have a B.S. in Business. I don't HAVE to do this. I want to do this. I want to do this because I CAN. And not everyone CAN my friend. It has nuthin' to do with the sheepskin. Plenty of people start off in this field - and leave it real quick. And it has nothing to do with the mounds of paperwork, the crappy hours, the swing shifts, the holidays you're required to work, the regulatory commissions you have to ass kiss, the bosses who never say thank you for a job well done (but are the first to shit on yer head if something is wrong), the co-workers who take their frustration and stress out on you, the Psycho Doctor's who scream rant and rave - throw things at you and talk to you like ya just arrived off the banana boat, the wacko sue-happy families who drive you crazy. No, not even all that can take the polish off ma white shoes.

It's because they can't stand there and hold the hand of a sobbing mother who has just found out her 20 year old daughter was driving and hit a tree - smashing her skull and dying instantly; they can't wash the bucket of blood off her body without wanting to vomit, and can't try to tape her head so that her brains don't fall out when the family looks at her. They can't take the 10 month old baby who was beaten to death by the mom's boyfriend while she was out shopping. They can't take the woman who found out she had breast cancer the day she delivered her first baby at another hospital, and is now in your hospital - post-partum, waiting to start chemotherapy and radiation; crying her eyes out because she saw her newborn for only twenty minutes before being transported. They can't take the 21 year old leukemia patient whose first - and last - words after coming off the ventilator were "I love you, Mom". They can't take performing the 2 hour code on the 11 year old that died in the school swimming pool - continuing to code a dead child because his mother is collapsed on the floor begging you to please not give up. They can't take the 18 year old who overdosed because she didn't get an A in one of her classes, and the 67 year old end stage lung cancer patient who won't let go of your hand because he is so afraid to die alone. And believe me, I could go on.

I have every card, every pot holder, every ornament, every drawing, note and letter every patient has ever given me in my career.
I vent because I have to. I vent so as to not take it out on my kids when I come home tired and defeated. Wondering why the hell I do what I do, why I pull out of myself what I pull out of myself, to give to other people, because they need help.

I have been bitten, kicked, scratched, spit on, vomited on, shit on, pissed on, had a psych patient pull me up by the pen around my neck (which is why I don't wear THOSE anymore) one foot off the ground and threaten to kill me (and almost did), had my chin split open by a sucker punch, been sworn at, and then some.

But I'll tell ya one thing there Wayne. When the heat is on - nobody moves faster, has better instincts, cares more and watches more closely than me. And if you or yer loved one is coming in feet first - ya'll better hope ya get me as yer Nurse. Because I'm no Florence Nightingale. Baby, I'm better.

Grade Fucking A Ham!

12 Dead Men

2006-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

Before the next big news story pushes this tragedy out of the way, I just gotta write this out. Ya know, I just can't seem to stop thinking about those 13 miners in West Virginia. God, I can't imagine dying that way! Not only does it burn my ass that the Sago mine was allowed to operate with so many serious, serious violations (208 the previous year and over 40 in December 2005 alone), but all the little "side stories" that have come out around this event have frosted me too. The violations this mine had were all related to inadequate ventilation, which caused buildups of dangerous, flammable and non-breathable gases. NPR's morning show had one short interview with one of the trapped miner's wives in which she said her husband had told the people in charge at the International Coal Group, the mine was building up Methane and Carbon Monoxide gases a full week prior to the explosion. I heard that interview once (at 6 AM) and (interestingly enough) it wasn't repeated as the rest of the stories were repeated later in the day. I also read (On WBFO's website) an interview with a woman in W.V. who was trying to stop the form of strip mining this company was doing - and was "branded" as an "environmentalist" (Read that as a "Trouble making commie pinko tree hugging wacko"). It was an interesting read because the lady was basically a local yokle who really was just pissed off that her property was turning into a polluted pile of shit right in front of her eyes. She was no more an "environmentalist" than George Bush is - but branding her as one is a nice way to discredit anything she has to say. So anyway, in the article she says said "They're calling me an "environmentalist", I don't know, but if someone who is interested in drinking clean water and breathing fresh air is an "environmentalist" then I guess I am one".

By the way. The form of mining this company does is strip mining, which basically cuts the top of a mountain off, and digs the coal out, leaving a gutted mess of mud behind, that excellerates erosion and causes super polluted run-off into the streams and waterways. But when you live in Appelachia, and your dirt, dirt poor with no options for work, education or a way out of that hell, well...what are you going to do? What's a little Black Lung in twenty years when you and your family are starving TODAY?

So what's the point of this blog? Well, the top ass burner of this whole thing is the fact the company or state government or whomever puts out these "official press statements" keeps claming "They have no idea what caused the explosion" and "This needs to be investigated further" I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I damn sure don't know nuthin' about mining...and I ain't anywhere near West Virginia...but how's about this for an educated guess..."Hey, assholes. Maybe it has something to do with that buildup of FLAMMABLE GAS?? Ya think?" Shit.
What is a man's life worth? Not a whole hell of a lot I guess, and 12 men's lives ain't worth much either. Maybe the company will send the widows a Turkey at Thanksgiving, or a Ham next Christmas. And the politicians will keep turning a blind eye, and the International Coal Group will keep stripping the shit out of West Virginia while they all line their pockets and stuff their bank accounts. Business as usual.

I wonder if any of those crying statues of the Virgin Mary are puking yet? Cause this sure makes me want to hurl.

Salty Ham

Capricorn Moon

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

The Queen sent me a great link today. (www.mooncircles.com). It seems we are now in a Capricorn Moon, which basically means it's a good time to re-establish our balance and take stock of where we have been and where we want to be going. (Hence the probable beginnings of the New Year's Resolution tradition). Just picture a Mountain Goat leaping around on the stony cliffs. "Keeping the Balance" is the focus for this moon cycle and those to come.

The Ham-ster has a Ten Year Plan, of sorts. I started it two years ago. At the end of every year I review it to see how I have done. I was actually pleasantly surprised this year. I did pretty damn good. My goals are divided into Personal (It's all about me!!), House (Things I want or need to do), Kids (self explanatory), Career, and Money (of course that's in there). Briefly, the main goals for 2005 were to start a regular exercise program, put in some landscaping, not kill the kids, get 5 classes in toward my advanced degree and reduce debt. And I actually did it. (With a little help from Ron the Personal Trainer, Brian the Landscaper, Dr. Bo, the Pediatrician, Queen Snarfetta, and a shredder that shreds plastic credit cards.)
So with this new Capricorn Moon I have decided This year's goals are: Eliminate all plastic debt and Increase my savings, Get in 5 more classes, Improve my Diet (more vegetables), Meet Mr. Ham and Paint the inside of the House.(And of course, don't kill the kids).

If I could set goals for the United States I would like to see us:
Raise the Minimum Wage to a livable and decent standard.
Put a Basic Health Care plan in place for ALL American Citizens.
Stop the mistreatment and exploitation of Illegal Migrant Workers.
Fund and find Viable alternatives for Petroleum and Carbon Fuel.
Honor the Pensions and benefits that were promised to Workers.
Push George Bush and all his Evil cronies out on a Melting Ice Floe.
Get our Military back Home.

Sigh. If I ran the world....
But, I do run my world (somewhat) so tomorrow morning, it's back to the gym and Thursday, my new 2nd job...School starts up in two weeks...and the kids are back to school (thank God).

As long as there's Coffee and Chocolate all is right with the world (or at least there is hope.)

So, what are you going to do with your Capricorn Moon?

Hammy

Need ta git it off ma chest!

2006-01-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

Warning: It's PMS week, the kids are STILL off from school AND I haven't had my coffee yet, so if anyone is going to be easily offended get the F**k out now!

Man, I am so freaking pissed off today. I worked the entire New Year's weekend in the ER and let me tell you something, there are a lot of fucking losers out there!

All weekend I wanted to scream:
"Yes asshole, if you drink too much alcohol you are going to feel NAUSEOUS and have a HEADACHE and FEEL LIKE CRAP it's called a fucking HANGOVER shithead! Take some aspirin and sleep it off like the rest of us did!!"

And if I get another 400 pounder who complains about back pain or another 2 pack smoker who complains about being short of breath I am going to scream and pound the living crap right out of them. When the hell is some doctor going to have the courage to say that lugging 400 pounds around IS going to make yer back hurt and smoking 2 packs a day IS going to make ya short of breath - and no we don't need to blood test, x-ray and cat scan the shit out of you to figure that out. Lose some fucking weight, stop smoking, and while yer at it get neutered because - your an asshole and the gene pool is already suffering! And before ya'll get offended let me tell you this, if you are one of the (seemingly) few fucking people that DO actually WORK - then all of this is on your dime. Take out your paystub next time your boss hands it to you and take a peek at that little section called FICA - thats what pays these losers to stay home and drink too much, eat too much, smoke too much, fuck too much and then come in by ambulance for the million dollar work-up and go home by MEDICAID (read FREE) cab and do it all over again, while you haul yer keester back and forth to work to pay for it all.

And will somebody explain this to me PLEEZE, how in the hell do people come to this country - not speak a single fucking word of English, have no money, no relatives, NO FUCKING JOB, and get medicaid when 42 million American fucking citizens work WITHOUT PAID HEALTHCARE?? Someone please answer that one for me because I for one can't fucking come up with one single solitary reason why this atrocity would occur.

Fucking A!
What shit!!

Posted by Fried Fucking Hamsteak

Happy New Year!

2005-12-30T18:02:00.000-08:00

Wow, in just a few short days it’s going to be 2006. Woo, scary. Time does fly. Unless of course, you’re at work….or standing in a long line with all yer winter regalia on….or waiting to pee in a bathroom with only one stall.
Anyway, I thought it was time to make out a Hammy New Year’s Resolutions List – considering I’ve had a hiatus from New Year’s Resolutions for about…oh, twenty years.
So, here’s my TOP TEN list for the year 2006:

I resolve to stop buying my kids clothing one size to big, waiting for them to “grow into it”.
I resolve to e-mail less and send more cards to friends I want to keep in touch with.
I resolve to eat only the “good” chocolate and skip the calories eating the crappy stuff.
I resolve to cut people a little more slack. (Of course, I’ll still trash them like dogs on the gossip mill – I mean a girl’s gotta have some fun.)
I resolve to spend more time in Art Galleries and Museums, looking at beautiful things.
I resolve to plant more flowers and put a bird feeder in the yard this summer.
I resolve to attempt to keep up with the laundry.
I resolve to buy a book every month – in a subject or genre I would not, as a rule, read.
I resolve to get rid of the stuff around my house that I don’t use, don’t want or don’t like…and not replace them with anything.
I resolve to nix the plastic and start using old fashioned cash.

So, Resolutions anyone???? Come on, fess up.

Deja Vu all Over Again

2005-12-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

Kids. I have two - girls, actually. This has its advantages of course - namely my house is still standing, which may not have been the case if I had a couple of boys. As you can well imagine, there are the disadvantages too. For one, they never stop talking. Never. They talk so much, and so often that as they grow they need to add more people into their social circle, just so they can continue to talk. My eldest daughter is a prime example of this. Typically she will disembark from the bus, yak and boss her little sister all the way up the driveway and into the house, where she will shed (literally) her coat with the backpack still attached by the coats arms onto the floor and (still talking) pick up the phone to call her friend down the street who is just getting off the bus and into the house herself. Once she finishes that conversation she then sits around the house waiting for one of three suitable opportunities to speak to me. Generally they are: when I have just sat down on the toilet, when I have just picked up the telephone, or when I am doing some extreme feat of mental or manual labor that requires exacting concentration so that I do not accidentally write out a check for my entire bank balance instead of the bill amount or become dismembered in some way. The conversation usually goes something like:

Scenario: Me, initiating one of the tasks above, after all of us have been home for two hours with both children in a television induced catatonia, neither one of them acknowledging I am alive since they’ve been home from school.

Daughter: “Mom, you know what I want for Christmas?! (This conversation, of course will take place in July) I want this thing, you plug it into the TV and it’s a game, it like a Mall thing, I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s at Target and it’s on sale, and there’s a coupon, in the book that they sent in the mail. Grandma gave it to me and I brought it home for you, OK Did ya see it, huh mom?, huh?”

Me: grunting “Oh, uh…. Yeah, honey…..hm-mm”

Daughter: “Mom, do you know if you do 01134 on a calculator and turn it upside down it says “hello”!? That’s reeeeeally cool. Look, you see?? Can you see it, huh?”

Me: “Hmm-mm. Uh, ….yeah…yeah…cool”

Daughter: “Mom, what would happen if someone who never drove before was driving and the gas was on E and they didn’t know what that meant and they thought it meant engage, what would happen? Mom, what does engage mean??”

Me: Heaving something really, really heavy and difficult or expensive to replace
“Uh… wh- what?”

Daughter: “If you were on a desert island and could only eat one food for the rest of your life would it be 1. Spaghetti 2. Stinky cheese or 3. Roasted pig.”

Me: Swearing and slamming something down
“&*^%$#@! Jesus Kee-Reist Almighty!” What is it with you kids!

Why is it NOBODY has ANYTHING to say to me until I sit on the toilet, pick up the gaddam telephone, or start doing something. Then everybody wants to talk. Why is that!?! Do you have to tell me all of this RIGHT NOW? Huh!

Hm-mm. Somehow, I seem to get a funny little déjà vu feeling whenever one of these exchanges takes place. (I also think I hear someone laughing….hm-mm…)

My Favorite Day: The Day After Christmas

2005-12-26T16:20:00.000-08:00

Can I bitch about Christmas now?? Is it OK with ya’ll? (I’ll take that as a Yes.)

God, am I glad Christmas is over! The stress, the pressure and the bullshit.
Why? That’s all I want to know is why! Why do we put ourselves through this Hellishness every year? And Expensive Hellishness to boot.

I worked in the ER both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. I can’t tell you how many people came in for Dumb Ass Stuff. Rashes. Rashes that they have had for days. A Cough, The Sniffles, A Stomach Ache. (Hasn’t anyone heard of Tylenol?? Or Rolaids?? How about Robitussin??) Amazing. Anything to have an excuse to get away from the Stress…and the disappointment. So much easier to seek the Great Escape of the Emergency Room than to face what is really going on. Then, of course, there’s all the people who dragged Grandma out of the Nursing Home, to prop her at the end of the Christmas Table (so that they won’t feel even guiltier than they already do for stickin’ her in a Nursing Home) who then call 911 when she’s exhibits any one of the hundreds of usual symptoms of chronic disease states that she possesses. So we have her blood drawn and analyzed, her chest X-Ray’ed, and her head Cat Scanned – all to find out the only thing she is suffering from is old age and dumb ass relatives.

But, for all those who manage to grit their teeth and stay the course at home, there’s the barrage of shitty, useless unwanted gifts to grin and bear. I’m so tired of getting gifts that are designed for people that "you don’t know very well, but feel obligated to give them something anyway". I don’t need anything – really. And anything I do need, I buy for myself. Anything I really WANT, no one is going to buy me anyway so, save yer money! Give it to charity, or better yet – pay off your credit cards with it and tell me about it later. I’ll be much happier for you…and for me.

But, no one wants to give it up. So, we have to keep on buying gifts for kids that have so much stuff it’s coming out their ears, adults who have absolutely no intention of using what you gave them, and don’t need it or want it anyway, and babies who would much rather play with the bows and the ribbons than the expensive overload of gifts that you just gave them.

To top it all off, the cherry on the sundae is all the religious in-fighting over what should and shouldn’t be said, done, printed, published, televised, put in the Town Square, put in the Public School, put in the Courthouse and sent out as an Official statement. Oy vey! It’s enough to start those crying statues of the Virgin Mary puking!

I say next year we all stay out of the stores and stay in our own homes and just chill. We don’t send cards with messages of any kind and we let everyone do their own thing without comment or criticism. We eat the food we would normally eat and forgo the extra 5 or 10 pounds, and we actually get a decent amount of sleep in the final week of December. We take all the money we would have spent – and pay off our debt, or stick it in the Savings Account. And finally, we take all the time and energy we would have exerted…and spend it curled up on the couch with our families or friends, watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of beer. Then we could all get together sometime in February, when there's nothing to do any way, and there's far less stress and pressure to meet some imaginary standard set by Hollywood decades ago...
...So wadda ya’ll think??

Love and Peace,
One Seriously Baked Christmas Ham

Merry Christmas Bloggers!

2005-12-23T14:07:00.000-08:00

As Christmas nears (or whatever it is that you do or don’t celebrate this time of year) I have a few little Hammy wishes I would like to bestow on all who read this blog spot:

May your bills this year shrink like a cheap linen shirt,
May your Boss never find out on you, all the dirt,
May the Hot Guy or Gal say Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!,
May you pass all your papers, exams and your tests,

If King George gets called back to Hell,
May Old Cheney die first,
So our experience in the White House
Doesn’t actually get worse.

May your blog spots be funny, or witty or cute,
May you pick a winning lottery ticket and give work the boot,
May old Santa find Your roof, and may it not need any Fixing,
May your tax refund be fat, and your return not need Nixing,
May your waistline get a little looser and your crotch a little tight,
May you dance on old New Year’s all through the night.

If your loved one’s at War may they come home real soon,
May us Middle Class warriors actually experience a boon,
May you get all your wishes for love and for health,
Because when all is said and done, that is the true wealth.

Merry Blogging Christmas and
Happy Blogging New Year

Peace & Love,
Baked Hammy – with Pineapple and Lots of Little Glazed Cherries

Boomers!

2005-12-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

It seems to be the season for the Hammy household to take the plunge into the twenty-first century, what with gaming Cubes, and blogs and all. I decided to finally upgrade our TV to a satellite dish – complete with 165 channels of monthly crap, mainly to appease my daughter, Ham Jr. # 1, who was apparently bored with the one channel that she could watch on our broadcast rate cable package. Now, I really don’t have loads of sympathy when she is whining that tune. She’s talking to a person who grew up with 3 local channels and – if the wind was blowing just right and you used enough aluminum foil on the rabbit ears, you also could pick up the Public Television station and 1 fuzzy Canadian station. I managed to survive. But I gave in and now she has the choice of Disney, Nick and Cartoon Network along with 4 or 5 others that run programs that don’t make me cringe too badly.

Disney is not just an interesting power monger of a company; it is also an interesting channel to watch – mainly to see who is on it. The Baby Boomers ostensibly are insistent upon dragging their old, aging rock stars (at least those who have not overdosed and died) around into all forms of media. While Disney was showing some upcoming previews of Holiday TV shows, who should appear crooning “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” with his skinny scrawny pucker lipped self? None other than Steven Tyler, one half of the infamous Toxic Twins. First it was Ozzy and Family (on a reality TV show no less) and now it’s a Toxic Twin on Disney. Shit. When the hell are the Baby Boomer’s going to die already??? It’s bad enough that the programming on most of the major radio stations consist of alternating Pink Floyd with Led Zeppelin and one of the biggest TV sit-com hits has been “That 70’s Show”. But now Retro Television Network has dragged up all the old chestnuts like: Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, Hogan’s Heroes and My Three Sons. Some of these shows were bad twenty years ago – let it go already! And, if all that wasn’t bad enough Target has a line of furniture and accessories with Brown and Orange color schemes, and Vogue magazine just printed an article on the “new” Platform Shoe look.

Why can’t the Boomer’s just drive off to Sun City in their PT Cruiser’s with a trunk full of Hair Dye, Diapers and Polygrip? What a self absorbed generation! Move out of the F**King way already, you had your day! I know, I know – your thinking, “What’s the Harm? Let them relive their youth!” No. I’m telling you – it starts with the media and then it seeps into every aspect of daily life. These people will stop at NOTHING. Just wait. When you start seeing Afro’s come back and Powder Blue Leisure suits with Polyester Disco shirts you’ll wish you had listened to me.

Peace Man!
Ham-N-Eggs

The Cube That Saved Christmas

2005-12-21T05:28:00.000-08:00

Well it is definitely “The Season” because the Ham-ster has found her way in to the dreaded “Mall”. “The Mall” falls into the category of “Things That Make My Life More Complicated” similar in fact, to “pop”. The barrage of stimuli gives the Ham-meister a headache, and I really hate using the “Public Toilet”. (It must be a family trait).
But, a shopping we must go!

My kids still believe in Santa, although I doubt that will last much longer. While it is fun, it does put the pressure on every year. The deal is “Mom” gives all those practical gifts like clothes and DVD’d, books and Craft Toys, etc. While “Santa” gives a big, impractical and often expensive gift that “Mom” would never buy.
For example, one year it was the Barbie Townhouse, complete with two sets of furniture and the car. However, this year “Santa’s” heat bills are outrageous and overtime ain’t what it used to be, and well…”Santa” is broker than usual.

There really is no big ticket item this year either. It certainly isn’t like the “Talking Elmo” days is it?? Thankfully, “the girls” aren’t bigtime gamers, so I have been spared the request for the X Box 360. However, my daughter did mention some “cube thing” that I dutifully trudged out looking for.

Being a “non-gamer” type of Ham, I grabbed the nearest pimple faced young man who seemed relatively idle and asked for a quick 101 course on “gaming”. After ascertaining the subtle, but distinct differences between the Cube, the Station and the Box and after a quick perusal of all the horrible violent games they were associated with, I decided the “Box” would be the best way to go. Alas! The Box package was a tad bit outrageous – making the gas bills look like a bargain, so I did what any chocolate deprived, over-stimulated coffee craving Ham-ster would do. I called Nukie for advice. Nukie directed me to a “game place” (sensible directions having been subsequently obtained by Mrs. Nukie) and I walked in to the Shangri La of gaming games. I asked a less pimply, but equally knowledgeable gaming girl store clerk to “hook me up” with a package of some kind, and after several painful contortions of trading off games that were making my hair stand on end, and juggling various controllers and accessories we headed to the check out counter only to find out they did not accept checks! Fatigue, lack of chocolate and too much coffee and now sans the appropriate plastic as well, I headed home.

The next day, I decided to trade the game world for socks. Nice sensible, easy to figure out socks. I went to Target. A store that I could understand. Well, Lo and Behold. What should greet my bloodshot little Hammy eyes but the Store Circular, advertising a perfectly bundled package for The Cube, that included TWO controllers, all the accessories I needed AND, best of all – a game that didn’t make my hair stand on end. I headed to the Electronics Department, still a little unsure, but figuring this: If I went there and they had one I would take it as a sign from God, and jump into the gaming world and not look back. If they were sold out, I would also take that as a sign from God, and head to the sock department.

In the Electronics Department I found a suitably nerdy enough young man who I knew would know EXACTLY everything I would need, and where to find it. I could almost hear the Holy Choir singing as Nick, the sales kid took it out from behind the locked glass-doored cabinet. “It’s our last one.” He said. And…there it was….like the Holy Grail….THE CUBE. Intact in it’s cleverly marketed bundled package with a nice decent Mario brothers game to boot. Surely, it was a sign. I bought it. “Santa” and dare I say, Christmas has been “saved”.

Civilized Barbarity

2005-12-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

It seems Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel has suffered a mild stroke. That's too bad, really. I happened to be watching CNN during a break at work. CNN - has long ago deemed itself the arbiter of truth and as such, graciously provides us with all the news that fits into interesting sound bites. I found the "celebrations" going on in some parts of the Middle East more than a little disturbing. (As ready with an opinion as the Ham-ster is, I'm not going to even open that can of worms.) But, what I really find is such a disturbing trend, is the celebratory actions some people around the world display at other's serious misfortunes. It reminds me of the "celebrations" that took place in some parts of the world when the news of the Twin Towers was broadcast.

Ya know, I have my political favorites and those that I seriously do not like just like everyone else. But with all that said, I really wouldn't be celebrating if say...Old King George stroked out, or had a massive coronary. Sheesh. I mean, I won't shed any tears when Satan's spawn leaves office, but what the hell! Any time someone has something really horrible happen to them - even if we don't like them - celebrating those misfortunes goes against the hallmark of what is decent, human and civilized. I don't know. It really seems like there has been a huge shift that has taken place on this planet. People are really barbaric, and cruelty has become so open, so vicious. What is it? Is it really the TV? Is it the video games? I mean, where is the compassion - or at least the empathy??

I have a friend in California who had e-mailed me an article about a particular statue of Mary (You know, The Virgin) apparently "crying" tears of blood in a Vietnamese church in Sacramento. I had already been following the story and asked him what he thought about it. He replied back that he wouldn't be too surprised if it was true (with the state of the world and all) and then added - "I'm surprised she's not throwing up!"
It's pretty F**king funny, but true. Man, oh man.

Blogging

2005-12-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

Nukie dropped the NPR “This American Life” blog disc off to me last night.
It’s fabulous. What I noticed first was the great sixties music mix, and then I noticed I was actually hearing my brothers voice. I hadn’t heard my brother talk so much in my entire life. I have to explain, his whole blog thing really took me by surprise. I never realized my brother had so much to say. I always figured there must be a lot going on inside his brain, because he is funny and intelligent, and any time I have heard him speak…which isn’t often, I have to say the conversations have been brief – but enjoyable. Its strange. My family is one of those families that seem entirely made up of people who you don’t know very well. It’s an odd thing, and I never really liked it, but there never seemed to be too much that I could do about it. Anyway, blogs….I had to think about them while I listened to the stories. I actually felt a little bond with all those people – some of whose blogs I had piggybacked into reading, courtesy of Nukies links. I was surprised “Her Daddy’s Eyes” had the voice that she did, and thought Kimmyk sounded a lot younger than I had thought of her, in my mind. He sort of opened up this little world to me – one that I knew existed, but had not found a way into yet. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t thought of it. Anyone who likes to write and is even a modicum of opinionated is sure to seek out a blog site sooner or later…it was just that I wasn’t very computer literate and I didn’t think I could start one up easily. Then, of course, it happened. I somehow involved an old friend of mine, long since moved out of state…Queen Snarfetta, who likes to write…and rant…right along with me. The Queen has closed her site. The piece that she reads on the CD…odd…it was a lot like her in a way. Well, she said the blog had served its purpose. I e-mailed her back. I missed the site. I said by the time I said everything I needed to say I would have been dead for two weeks. It’s probably true. Nukie said (jokingly?) that I would regret starting it; I kind of understand that, as well. But, I don’t regret it. Sometimes it feels like I have volunteered to take home the school hamster over the summer break. If I get too busy, I get a little twinge of guilt. (“Well, really you should just check it at least…make sure it’s still OK….you don’t have to write anything…just at least take a look, then you can sort the laundry.”) It fits in better than I thought it would. Between work and the kids, my classes and…whatever else drags me around through the day. I thought about a recent post of “I Have No Name” where she talks about having your blog “discovered” by the outside world, your job, or family. I don’t know. I don’t think it would change anything now. I had to think, well why am I really doing this? Is it because I’m so pissed off at the Middle Classes economic slide into impending poverty? Is it really that I’m so sick and tired of Medicaid abuse and hearing about how elderly people choose between medical care or food? Is it really the disgust with the political dancing that allows the overseas job shunting, the pension gutting, and the hikes in fuel and goods that strangle everybody on a daily basis? Do I really care if people care? Do I care that I care? Well, yeah. I do. But that’s not the whole story. I realize my laptop has become some extension of me, some way to recover an essence of who I am, or was, or maybe think I am? BC – Before Children I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was, and if I didn’t, it didn’t matter because I had the luxury of time and space. AC – After Children, things all changed. That’s how I classify my life now. BC and AC. Things became…fragmented. I felt like suddenly I needed to hang on to myself, the things…about myself…with both hands, so that they wouldn’t get stripped away. You can get lost in the title “Mom”. Everything changes. This blog….well, I guess it is a way of remembering myself to myself. And maybe along the way I can meet some interesting people, maybe I can even change the world a little.